-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show," everybody. You're here.
You made it. Thank you for watching at home.
Thanks for being here. Yeah, welcome.
Enjoy yourself.
Well guys, I want to wish everyone
a happy Martin Luther King Jr Day.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's such an important holiday.
And of course, leaders from all across the country
have put out statements.
President Biden said...
Vice President Harris said...
Congressman George Santos said...
-Aww. -So that was nice.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Meanwhile, today, Biden spoke in an event honoring MLK,
and Dr. King's daughter-in-law was there.
It was actually her birthday.
So, Biden decided to sing to her.
Let's see how that went.
-On somebody's birthday, you sing happy birthday.
You ready? ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday dear... [ Mumbles ] ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[ Laughter ]
-First rule -- first rule.
Don't start singing "Happy Birthday"
unless you know the person's name.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, that must have been real special for [mumbles].
[ Laughter ]
There's a reason why the birthday song at TGI Fridays
doesn't have the name in it.
Rookie move, Joe.
Every singer knows that when you forget the lyric,
that's when you point the mic towards the crowd.
It's like, ♪ Happy birthday, dear... ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ Happy birthday ♪ And you do that.
I mean, come on. Alright. Let's give him a break.
It's not like Biden's done this before.
-♪ Happy birthday, [mumbles] ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[ Laughter ]
-Oh. [ Laughs ]
-Yep, Biden spoke for 30 minutes.
When he wasn't belting out "Happy Birthday,"
he was doing that weird whispering thing again.
Which brings us to the latest installment of
"Joe Biden: Whisperer in Chief."
♪♪
-You know, all these new IRS agents we have is because
[whispering] they fired a lot of them.
If any of these bills happen to reach my desk,
[whispering] I will veto them.
I think the highest individual loan was 1.2 million
or something. [Whispering] I didn't hear a word.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-[Whispering] He's the best.
[Normally] Speaking of Biden, over the weekend,
five more pages of classified documents were found
at his home in Delaware.
Yep, this year, instead of an Easter egg hunt,
they're going to send the kids over to Biden's home
to look for more documents.
It's like, "Found one under the sofa."
"Alright, hand it over."
At this point, they've found documents in so many places,
it's like we're playing Clue.
It's like North Korea's nuclear codes in the garage
with the Corvette. Yeah, I got it!
Yup, the scandal has gotten so big, today,
Hunter Biden told his dad, "I can't be seen with you
right now."
Hey, I saw that Johnson & Johnson has recently scaled back
production on their COVID vaccine.
That's like Hooters saying that they're taking
kale chips off the menu.
[ Laughter ]
"No kale chips? I'll just get 50 wings."
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is cool -- I read that the latest Gen Z
obsession is using flip phones.
Yeah, tons of young adults are buying flip phones
I think it's great. I used to love my flip phone.
-Oh, yeah. You love your flip phone?
What else?
-What else? I mean, I like flip phones.
I like flying drones.
-That's cool. What else?
-I like hot scones. I like garden gnomes.
I like watching "Game of Thrones,"
"Home Alone," and "Yellowstone"
on my own with an ice cream cone in Bayonne.
I like hair combed, beard full grown, and riding the cyclone
with Tommy Lee Jones, reading poems covered in cologne.
I like Ray Brone, I like Carl Malone,
ozone, singing baritone while Sly Stallone
plays trombone and Roman Grosjean chaperones
about clones and overdue loans.
But you know what I really love?
-Who?
-The Rolling Stones. 2, 3...
♪ [ Singing indistinctly ] ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, there's a lot of pop culture news right now.
"Avatar 2" is doing great at the box office.
The new season of "The Bachelor" starts next week.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Sarah Jessica Parker was just seen filming
the "Sex and the City" spin off with the actor who plays Aiden.
There's gonna be a sequel to the horror movie "M3GAN."
-Wait a second. -What is it, Mark?
-Did you just say that Sarah Jessica Parker,
A.K.A. Carrie Bradshaw, was spotted filming
the "Sex and the City" spin-off A.K.A. "And Just Like That"
alongside the actor who plays Aiden, A.K.A. John Corbett?!
-Yeah, I did.
And here's the photo.
Yeah. -Wow.
Aiden is coming back in Carrie's life.
That's big. Pun intended.
Who else is coming back?
What about her old boyfriend, Patrick?
-I'm not really sure.
-Well, what about Burger?
-I don't know.
-How about Howie?
-I have no idea.
-What about Kurt, John, Jake, or Ray?
-Couldn't tell you.
-What about Wade, Keith, Seth, Jeremy, Sam, Bill, or Jeremiah?
-I really don't know.
-Okay. Well, what about Shawn, Vaughn, Dr. Brad,
Ben, Joe, or Alexander?
-Beats me.
-How about John, Jordan, Jason, Tucker, or Parker?
-Mark, I don't know.
-I made up those last five.
You're useless.
Look, if you're not going to give us any answers,
we're out of here.
Come on, guys.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-And just like that, he was gone.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, guys, I heard that LG is recalling their 86-inch
smart TVs because they can tip over and trap people.
[ Light laughter ]
"Trap?" You know the LG people went on thesaurus.com
like, "What's a better word than 'crush?'
Trap."
[ Laughter ]
Trapped?
Hey, guys, on Friday night, somebody in Maine
won the $1.3 billion Mega Millions jackpot.
And get this -- it's the first time someone
has won the prize in Maine.
In fact, the state is so excited they're considering
changing their official welcome sign.
Right now it says...
But they might change it to...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah.
But they're also considering...
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, there is...
That's what I'm talking about.
Well, listen to this -- a new survey found
that four out of five people would work on vacation
if it meant they could have a longer trip.
And Biden said, "Take it from me, you're better off
leaving your work at work." Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, guys, it is Monday, the start of a brand-new week,
and I think we all could use a little encouragement
to get things going on the right foot.
With that in mind, it's time for some Monday Motivations.
Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ Monday motivations ♪
♪♪
-Hey, your hair looks great today.
[ Applause ]
You're going to have an amazing week.
[ Applause ]
When you're fishing and you throw one back,
its swims over to its friends like, "Guys, it happened!
I finally met Andrew."
[ Applause ]
When you zone out waiting for your pizza rolls,
your microwave is like, "OMG, is he looking at me?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Your JV soccer coach still talks about that goal you made.
Well, almost made.
[ Laughter and applause ]
When you sit down next to someone on an airplane,
they're like, "Jackpot. Hello, future husband."
[ Applause ]
You didn't hear it, but one time,
your favorite teacher accidentally called you son.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, the gym turned you away on January 1st
because they didn't want to give people unrealistic expectations.