[Applause]
almost 50 years ago psychiatrist Richard
Ray and Thomas Holmes developed an
inventory of the most distressing human
experiences that we could have number
one on the list death of a spouse the
two divorced three mental separation now
generally but not always for those three
to occur we need what comes in number
seven of the list which is marriage
fourth on the list is imprisonment in an
institution now some say number seven
has been counted twice I don't believe
that when the live stress inventory was
built back then a long-term relationship
pretty much equated to a marriage not so
now so for the purposes of this talk I'm
going to be including de facto
relationships common-law marriages and
same-sex marriages or same-sex
relationships soon hopefully to become
marriages and I can say for my work with
same-sex couples the principles
principles I'm about to talk about and
no different they they're the same
across all relationships so in a modern
society we know that prevention is
better than cure
we vaccinate against polio diphtheria
tetanus whooping cough measles we have
awareness campaigns for melanoma stroke
diabetes all important campaigns but
none of those conditions come close to
affecting forty five percent of us forty
five percent that's our current divorce
rate why no prevention campaign for
divorce well I think it's because our
policymakers don't believe that things
like attraction and the way
relationships are bill
is changeable or educable why well our
policy makers currently a Generation X
they're in their 30s to 50s and when I'm
talking to these guys about these issues
I see their eyes glaze over and I can
see them thinking doesn't this crazy
psychiatrist get it you can't control
the way in which people attract other
people and build relationships not so
out-there Millennials this is the most
information connected analytical and
skeptical generation making the most
informed decisions of any generation
before them and when I talk to
Millennials I get a very different
reaction they actually want to hear
about this they want to know about how
do we have relationships that last so
for those of you who want to embrace the
post romantic destiny era with me let me
talk about my three life hacks for
preventing divorce now we can inter
intervene to prevent divorce at two
points later once the cracks begin to
appear in an established relationship or
earlier before we commit before we have
children and that's where I'm going to
take us now so my first life hack
Millennials spend seven plus hours on
their devices a day it's American data
and that some say probably not
unreasonably this is probably affected
their face-to-face relationships indeed
and add to that the hookup culture ago
apps like tinder and it's no great
surprise that the 20-somethings that I
work with will often talk to me about
how it is often easier for them to have
sex with somebody that they've met and
have a meaningful conversation now some
say this is a bad thing I say this is a
really good thing it's a particularly
good thing to be having sex outside of
the institution of
marriage now before you go and get all
moral on me
remember that Generation X and the
American public report they found that
91 percent of women had had premarital
sex by the age of 30 91 percent but it's
a particularly good thing that these
relationships are happening later see
boomers in the 60s they were getting
married at the average age for women of
20 and 23 for men 2015 in Australia that
is now 30 for women and 32 for men
that's a good thing because the older
you are when you get married the lower
your divorce rate why why is it helpful
to get married later three reasons
firstly getting married later allows the
other to preventers of divorce to come
into play
they are tertiary education and a higher
income which tends to go with choice for
education so these three factors all
kind of get mixed up together number two
your plasticity research tells us that
the human brain is still growing until
at least the age of 25 so that means how
you're thinking and what you're thinking
is still changing up until 25 and
thirdly and most importantly to my mind
is personality your personality age of
20
does not correlate with your personality
at the age of 15 but your personality
age of 30 does correlate with your
personality at the age of 50 so when I
ask somebody who got married young why
they broke up and they say we grew apart
they're being surprisingly accurate
because the 20s is a decade of rapid
change and maturation so the first thing
you want to get before you get married
is older
number two John Gottman psychologist and
relationship researcher can tell us many
factors that could correlate with a
happy successful marriage but the one
that I want to talk about is a big one
eighty-one percent of marriages implode
self-destruct if this problem is present
and the second reason I want to talk
about it here is because it's something
you can evaluate while you're dating
Gottman found that the relationships
were most stable and happy over the
longer term were relationships in which
the couple shared power they were
influenceable big decisions by buying a
house overseas overseas trip buying a
car having children but when Gottman
drilled down on this data what he found
was that women were generally pretty
influenceable guess where the problem
lie yeahthere's having two options here
isn't it yeah we men were to blame the
other thing the government found is that
men who are influenceable also tended to
be quote outstanding fathers unquote so
met so women how influenceable is your
man men your with that because you
respect them make sure that respect
plays out in the decision-making process
number three that's right
I'm often intrigued by why couples come
into seeming after they've been married
for 30 or 40 years this is the time when
they're approaching the infirmities and
illness of old age at the time when
they're particularly focused on caring
for each other don't forgive things that
have bugged them for years they'll
forgive old betrayals even infidelities
because they're focused on caring for
it's also what brings what pulls them
apart the best word I have for this is
reliability or the lack thereof does
your partner have your back it takes two
forms firstly can you rely on your
partner to do what they say they're
going to do do they follow through
secondly if for example you're out
you're being verbally attacked by
somebody or you're suffering from a
really disabling illness does your
partner's step up and do what needs to
be done to leave you feeling cared for
and protected and here's the rub if
you're facing old age and your partner
isn't doing that for you in fact you're
having to do that for them then in an
already fragile relationship it can look
a bit like you might be better off out
of it rather than in it so is your
partner there for you when it really
matters not all the time
80% of the time but particularly if it's
important to you on your side think
carefully before you commit to do
something for your partner it is much
better to commit to as much as you can
follow through than to commit to more
sound good in the moment and then let
them down and if it's really important
to your partner and you commit to it
make sure you move hell and high water
to follow through now these are things
that I'm saying you can look for don't
worry these are also things that can be
built in existing relationships
I believe that the most important
decision that you can make is who you
choose as a life partner who you choose
as the other parent of your children
and of course romance has to be there
romances a grand and beautiful and
quirky thing but we need to add to a
romantic loving heart an informed
thoughtful mind as we make the most
important decision of our lives thank
you
[Applause]