1.
Positivity
The other day I saw a woman that I was attracted to.
Not romantically, not sexually, just, as a person.
I wanted to be more like her.
And I wanted to be her friend.
Her optimism was attractive to me.
Here’s what happened.
The other day, I was out walking Fred in a very cold, snowy Stockholm.
Against my will but per my obligation as his hooman, I was going to take him for a quick
stroll around the neighbourhood and then hurry back inside.
The cold wind caused my eyes to water and my vision to become slightly blurry.
“Go poop already!”
I thought to myself.
“Why do I even live in this country?”
I mumbled to myself like a bitter old lady.
As I keep my head down to protect my face from the wind, my bitter bubble was bursted
by the voice of a woman from a few meters ahead who was making child-like noises.
“Wohoooo, tjohooo!”.
I look up and indeed, it was a woman, walking hand in hand with a child.
Looked about three.
The woman was jumping around and playfully kicking in the snow.
I overheard her child asking her “but mom, when is it going to rain?”.
The woman replied saying “it’s going to rain when it’s a few degrees warmer, but
as for now, let’s enjoy the snow”.
What a lucky child, I thought, to have a mother with such a positive outlook on life.
I looked over on Fred, and I felt guilty.
I thought “well I must be a bloody fucking joy to walk with.”
What I’m trying to say is, optimism attracts, negativity repels.
Now I’d like to continue to explore this topic with you all.
Besides looks, what else is there?
What does science say about interpersonal attraction?
First, let’s see what you all had to say when I asked you on Instagram.
(show story)
2.
We like people who like us (reciprocal liking)
So there’s this thing called “reciprocal liking” also known as reciprocity of attraction
and I’m literally going to read the definition off of Wikiperia because why not
“It’s the act of a person feeling an attraction to someone only upon learning or becoming
aware of that person's attraction to themselves.”
So picture this, you’re at a dinner with a few colleagues or something at this semi-new
job and you’re sort of mingling a little bit, but because you’re probably introverted,
you mostly just observe and listen.
Then your friend comes up to you and says, “hey Anna said she heard your presentation
and could really relate to your story.
She thinks you’re super cool!”.
YOU are more likely to like Anna now, than you were before you heard that information.
And oftentimes, reciprocal liking can affect our choice of whom we have relationships with,
including romantic, sexual, and platonic.
People are naturally more attracted to those who express positive emotions towards them
and simply knowing that someone is attracted to them can induce this reciprocal interest.
The finding is rather simple—we tend to prefer people who seem to like us about as
much as we like them.
The moral of the story is clear—if you want to get someone to like you, put that person
in a good mood.
Furthermore, it is pretty easy to do so—simply bringing flowers, looking your best, or telling
a funny joke might well be enough to be effective.
Now, reciprocal liking can also be indicated non-verbally, let’s talk about that specifically.
3.
Nonverbal cues
Things like learning forward and eye contact.
Now I know, I know, I used to be quite shy and awkward with eye contact.
I’m not on the other side of the spectrum where I’ll literally stare at someone for
the entirety of when they’re speaking and will only look away to avoid making them uncomfortable.
And I know it’s really difficult for some people, but it’s worth practicing.
I personally find it difficult connecting with someone whom I’m not getting any eye
contact from.
Like once upon a long time ago, I was dating someone for a brief period of time, we’re
talking three dates.
And while they’re company was fine, I don’t think we had a total of one minute of eye
contact during those three dates.
Like, TOTAL.
I tried making it happen but it didn’t, and I was unable to connect with them emotionally
at all, and I told them that, and I ended it.
He would lean back during our conversations, he would look around rather than looking at
me when I was talking.
Although he wanted to continue going on dates, I felt like he didn’t see me, like he wasn’t
interested, like he wasn’t present.
Speaking of reciprocal liking: because his body language really made me question and
wonder if he even liked me, I simply couldn’t like him.
Had his body language made it clear that he liked me, things might have ended differently.
4.
People with positive “affective presence”
The way that a person tends to make others feel is what researchers call "affective presence."
those with positive affective presence make other people feel good, even if they personally
are anxious or sad.
We all know someone like that.
And the opposite is true for those with negative affective presence, we all know someone like
that, too.
Sometimes we are that person.
The former type of person, unsurprisingly, tend to have more friends and romantic interests.
Now how do some people make others feel good simply by their presence?
What are these people doing that put others at ease?
It's not exactly known, but one finding is that a big part of affective presence may
be how people regulate emotions-.those of others and of their own.
How well do you regulate yourself when you experience a bit of annoyance, for example?
Do you infect others.
Throughout the day, one experiences emotional “blips” as Elfenbein puts it—blips of
annoyance or excitement or sadness.
The question is, “Can you regulate yourself so those blips don’t infect other people?”
she asks.
“Can you smooth over the noise in your life so other people aren’t affected by it?”
This “smoothing over”—or emotional regulation—could take the form of finding the positive in a
bad situation, which can be healthy.
But it could also take the form of suppressing one’s own emotions just to keep other people
comfortable, which is less so.
I personally am terrible at hiding my feelings.
If I’m annoyed, chances are, you will know.
Now this trait isn't always necessarily good or used for good.
Some people are professionals at regulating their feelings and use their expertise to
get others to like them (being manipulative).
I guess everything in moderation.
We also all have met someone who is overly optimistic and that can come off as disingenuous
and annoying too.
5.
We like what we understand
We like being understood, but we can also feel more attracted to someone when we feel
like we understand them.
I remember this girl that I had met a few times, we had some mutual friends, but I never
quite felt like we clicked.
The brief exchanges we had were very surface level.
But then one time when we were alone, she opened up a bit about how she felt about moving
to a new city and losing herself a bit in the process, and I could relate to her because
I had also moved to a new city.
And despite this being like the 5th time we met, it was only then that I felt we had a
connection.
So it’s not about oversharing, but simply testing the waters by opening up to someone
and see how they respond can be the beginning of a friendship.