>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHERE THAT CHALKBOARD WOULD NOT BE BLURRED?
ON MY LIVE ELECTION NIGHT SPECIAL ON SHOWTIME, 11:00 P.M.
ON THE EAST COAST, 8:00 P.M. IN THE WEST.
ON THIS SHOW "TIME" SPECIAL -- I WILL NOT BE DRAWING PENISES, BUT THERE WILL BE PENISES.
( LAUGHTER ) FOLKS, THERE ARE A LOT OF SIGNS THE ECONOMY IS IMPROVING, BUT
THERE ARE STILL A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE STRUGGLING TO FIND WORK.
DID YOU KNOW UNEMPLOYMENT IS CURRENTLY 100% AMONG AMERICA'S BILLY BUSHES?
( LAUGHTER ) AND A FRIEND OF THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO LOSE HIS JOB, SO LAST
WEEK I HELPED HIM TRANSITION TO HIS SECOND CAREER.
JIM?
>> STEPHEN: MR. PRESIDENT.
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, SIR.
>> Stephe TEPHEN.
>> Stephen: ALWAYS THE BEST.
HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?
>> STEPHEN: OH, JUST-- YOU KNOW, I'M ALWAYS-- INTERESTED IN TALKING TO THE LEADER OF THE
FREE WORLD.
LOOK, I AM SO THRILLED TO JOIN YOU HERE AT CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY.
AND JUST LIKE ALL THE STUDENTS OUT THERE TAKING PART IN THE WHITE HOUSE FRONTIERS
CONFERENCE, YOU TOO WILL SOON BE LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB.
ISN'T THAT INTERESTING?
>> THAT IS TRUE.
>> STEPHEN: AND I AM HONORED THAT YOU ASKED ME HERE TO HELP.
>> STEPHEN, I DIDN'T ASK YOU HERE TO HELP.
I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GOT IN HERE.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S OKAY TO BE NERVOUS.
ALL RIGHT?
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT?
>> I'M ALREADY SITTING.
>> STEPHEN: GOOD.
SEE IT'S STARTING OFF VERY WELL ALREADY.
AND I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD START WITH A PRACTICE INTERVIEW AND I'VE GOT JUST THE MAN WHO
COULD HELP YOU.
EXCUSE ME ONE SECOND.
>> STEPHEN?
>> STEPHEN: YES SIR, JUST A MOMENT.
>> HELLO.
>> I'M RANDY.
I'M THE OFFICER MANAGER.
>> HELLO, RANDY.
>> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS GOING TO GO VERY WELL.
>> ARE YOU-- >> STEPHEN: OKAY.
>> --INTENDING TO-- HELP ME SHARPEN MY SKILLS-- WHEN I GO IN FOR AN INTERVIEW?
IS THAT-- YOUR INTENTION HERE?
>> STEPHEN: IT'S WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING.
>> OKAY.
>> STEPHEN: WE'RE HERE TO FIND OUT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR A LIVING, OKAY?
>> ALL RIGHT.
LET'S TRY IT OUT.
>> STEPHEN: 55.
TOUGH TIME TO START OVER FOR A MAN.
OKAY.
I HAVE A COPY OF YOUR RESUME HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU HAND IT TO ME AS IF YOU WERE APPLYING FOR A JOB.
GO AHEAD AND DO IT.
THAT'S GOOD.
YOU'RE A NATURAL. OK.
HELLO, MR. O'BALMER.
AM I PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY?
>> CLOSE ENOUGH.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY. LET'S SEE, PAPAPAPAPA I DON'T SEE ANY PROMOTIONS FOR THE LAST EIGHT
YEARS.
THAT'S NOT ALWAYS GOOD.
CAN YOU EXPLAIN THAT?
>> HONESTLY, THERE WASN'T A LOT OF ROOM FOR ADVANCEMENT IN MY LAST JOB.
THE ONLY ONE WITH A MORE POWERFUL POSITION WAS MY WIFE.
>> STEPHEN: OH OKAY.
AH, GOOD.
UH-HUH.
IS IT A TWOFER?
CAN WE GET BOTH OF YOU, BY ANY CHANCE?
>> DOUBTFUL.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
SO TELL ME WHY YOU'RE LEAVING.
YOU SAY YOU'RE NOT BEING TERMINATED, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU CAN'T STAY.
IS THAT TRUE?
>> WELL, I'M LEAVING BECAUSE IT'S REQUIRED BY THE 22ND AMENDMENT OF THE UNITED STATES
CONSTITUTION.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
LITTLE TIP.
WHEN YOU SAY STAYING IN YOUR JOB WOULD BE UNCONSTITUTIONAL, WHAT EMPLOYERS HEAR IS THAT YOU STOLE
OFFICE SUPPLIES.
OKAY?
SO I'D GLOSS OVER THE REST OF THAT, OK?
>> OK.
>> STEPHEN: AND DOESN'T SAY HERE.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
( LAUGHTER ) >> REALLY?
>> STEPHEN: IS THIS THE LONGEST FORM OF THIS RESUME AVAILABLE?
>> WHY DON'T WE MOVE ON?
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, GOOD.
DESCRIBE, IF YOU CAN, THE TYPE OF OFFICE YOU WOULD LIKE TO WORK IN?
>> WELL, I WAS HOPING FOR A NICE CORNER OFFICE.
OR AT LEAST AN OFFICE THAT HAS CORNERS IN IT.
>> STEPHEN: CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT SOME OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS?
AND KEEP IN MIND IT'S IMPORTANT TO DESCRIBE THEM IN SUCH A WAY THAT IT HIGHLIGHTS HOW YOUR
EXPERIENCE MIGHT BE RELEVANT TO A POTENTIAL EMPLOYER.
>> OKAY, WELL-- I BROKERED INTERNATIONAL DEALS THAT SLOWED THE IMPACT OF CLIMATE CHANGE AND
PREVENTED IRAN FROM ACQUIRING A NUCLEAR WEAPON.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, LET'S CHANGE THAT TO "PROFICIENT IN MICROSOFT EXCEL."
ANYTHING ELSE?
>> WELL, I REOPENED RELATIONS WITH CUBA FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 50 YEARS.
>> STEPHEN: I'D CALL THAT ONE "CONVERSATIONAL SPANISH."
SI?
OKAY.
IT SAYS HERE-- LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT.
IT SAYS HERE YOU SAVED THE AMERICAN AUTO INDUSTRY.
>> YEAH, BUT NOBODY BELIEVES IT.
CHANGE THAT TO "DRIVES STICK."
>> STEPHEN: OH, THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD.
IN CASE YOU WANT TO BE A LONG HAUL TRUCKER.
OKAY.
IT ALSO SAYS HERE YOU-- YOU HELPED TENS OF MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WITH THEIR HEALTHCARE.
>> YOU BET.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, LET'S TEST THAT OUT.
IT HURTS WHEN I DO THIS?
>> DON'T DO THAT.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
GOOD.
DO YOU HAVE ANY AWARDS OR COMMENDATIONS?
>> WELL, I HAVE ALMOST 30 HONORARY DEGREES AND I-- I DID GET THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.
>> STEPHEN: OH REALLY?
WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
>> TO BE HONEST, I STILL DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD.
ALL RIGHT.
AND HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO FIRE ANYONE?
>> NO I USUALLY LET SEAL TEAM SIX HANDLE THAT.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, OUTSOURCING.
OKAY GOOD.
NOW, SOCIAL MEDIA, VERY HOT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE WITH THAT?
LIKE TWITTER?
>> WELL, I HAVE 77 MILLION FOLLOWERS.
DOES THAT COUNT?
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.
HOW'D YOU GET SO MANY?
>> EXECUTIVE ORDER.
>> STEPHEN: REALLY?
>> AND PHOTOS OF CATS.
>> STEPHEN: OH, SMART.
NOW, THESE DAYS EVERY BUSINESS WANTS TO APPEAL TO THE MILLENNIALS.
YOU KNOW WHAT MILLENNIALS ARE.
>> I THINK SO.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
HOW DO YOU PLAN TO GET THEIR ATTENTION?
>> WELL, I TELL THEM STRAIGHT UP THAT THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF THEIR LIFETIMES.
THAT THEY HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE HISTORY.
AND THAT THE RESULTS IN NOVEMBER COULD CHANGE THEIR LIVES FOREVER SO THEY HAVE TO GET OUT THERE
AND VOTE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T CATCH ALL OF THAT.
DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A SNAPCHAT FILTER THAT GIVES YOU A FLOWER CROWN?
>> OF COURSE I KNOW THAT, STEPHEN.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
LET'S BE HONEST WITH OURSELVES, OKAY?
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY YOUR BIGGEST WEAKNESS IS?
>> WELL, SOMETIMES-- WHEN I TALK-- I TAKE--
TOO MANY PAUSES.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
IN THREE WORDS OR LESS WHAT'S A COMMON CRITICISM YOU HAVE FOR OTHERS IN THE WORKPLACE?
>> I CANNOT STAND IT WHEN PEOPLE REDUCE COMPLEX IDEAS TO SOME SIMPLISTIC CATCH PHRASE.
>> STEPHEN: WE CAN'T ACCEPT THAT ANSWER.
>> YES, WE CAN.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
LET'S SEE.
ALMOST DONE.
DO YOU HAVE A BUSY SCHEDULE?
AM I KEEPING YOU FROM SOMETHING?
>> YOU ARE.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
IS THERE ANYONE WE CAN TALK TO FOR A CHARACTER REFERENCE?
>> I KNOW SEVERAL TURKEYS THAT OWE ME A FAVOR.
>> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT. GOOD TO KNOW.
AND HOW DO YOU LIKE TO SPEND YOUR TIME?
DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY LOVE DOING?
IS ENCOURAGING THE YOUTH OF AMERICA TO GET OUT AND VOTE THIS NOVEMBER SO THAT THE GOOD WORK
THAT WE'VE DONE OVER THE PAST EIGHT YEARS CAN CONTINUE ON INTO THE FUTURE.
>> STEPHEN: SO NO WHITTLING OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
>> NO-- >> STEPHEN: OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
AND-- NOW SIR, BECAUSE WE ARE ON A NETWORK TELEVISION SHOW, I CANNOT ALLOW YOU TO ENDORSE A
CANDIDATE RIGHT NOW.
BUT I DO-- I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR CHOICE OF SNACKS.
COULD I DO THAT?
>> SURE.
>> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT GREAT.
I HAVE TWO CHOICES FOR YOU HERE.
WOULD YOU CARE FOR AN EXTRA FIBER NUTRIENT BAR, WHICH HAS TRAVELED TO MORE THAN ONE
HUNDRED COUNTRIES, OR THIS SHRIVELED TANGERINE COVERED IN GOLDEN RETRIEVER HAIR, FILLED
WITH BILE THAT I WOULDN'T LEAVE ALONE WITH THE WOMAN I LOVE?
>> WELL, I THINK I'LL GO WITH THE FIBER NUTRIENT BAR.
>> STEPHEN: INTERESTING.
OKAY.
SO, ULTIMATELY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?
>> DONE WITH THIS INTERVIEW?
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, GREAT.
BEFORE WE WRAP UP ANY QUESTIONS FOR ME?
>> I'M STILL WONDERING HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S AN EXCELLENT QUESTION.
INQUISITIVE.
WE LIKE THAT.
OKAY.
FANTASTIC.
WELL, THAT ALL CHECKS OUT, MR. PRESIDENT.
WE'D LIKE TO OFFER YOU THE POSITION.
BUT FIRST WE HAVE TO HAVE THE MANDATORY COMPANY PHYSICAL.
IF YOU'LL JUST-- RELAX AND PUT ON THAT GOWN OVER THERE WE WILL GET GOING.
>> I THINK WE'RE DONE HERE.
>> STEPHEN: I HAVE WARM HANDS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU!
THANK YOU MR. PRESIDENT!
>> STEPHEN: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BILL O'REILLY.