THERE'S SO MUCH GOING ON WITH
THE CORONAVIRUS, GENESIS REUNITE
BEING, AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT,
JOE BIDEN HAS RISEN FROM THE
DEAD.
SUPER TUESDAY WAS LIKE EASTER
SUNDAY FOR JOE BIDEN WHO STAGED
THE BIGGEST COME BACK SINCE
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
HE WON TEN STATES, INCLUDING
TEXAS AND MASSACHUSETTS WHERE HE
WASN'T EXPECTED TO DO WELL.
HE NOW HAS MORE DELEGATES THAN
ANY DEMOCRAT AND BIDEN REVEALED
HE IS ALSO THE BANANA ON THE
MASKED SINGER, SO THAT'S, IT
WASN'T ALL GREAT NEWS FOR YOE.
IMMEDI
THE VERY FIRST MOMENT OF HIS
CELEBRATION SPEECH WAS MARRED BY
THIS.
>> THEY DON'T CALL IT SUPER
TUESDAY FOR NOTHING!
BY THE WAY, THIS IS MY LITTLE
SISTER VALERIE, AND I'M JILL'S
HUSBAND.
OH, NO.
THEY WITCHED ON ME.
THIS IS MY WIFE, THIS IS MY
SISTER.
THEY WITCSWITCHED ON ME.
>> Jimmy: I HOPE THEY DON'T MIX
UP THE HOTEL ROOM KEYS,
BECAUSE -- OH, BOY.
IT WAS A LOCKERSHOCKER OF THE D
BERNIE SANDERS.
A LOT OF PEOPLE WAITED UNTIL THE
LAST SECOND TO DECIDE, IT WAS
LIKE A WEDDING CEREMONY ON "LOVE
IS BLIND."
IN CALIFORNIA, LINES WERE, SOME
VOTERS HERE IN LOS ANGELES
WAITED THREE HOURS TO VOTE, AND
IF I'M WAITING IN LINE FOR THREE
HOURS, I BETTER GET A POPEYE'S
CHICKEN SANDWICH AT THE END OF
IT.
THIS IS IS WWHAT IT WAS LIKE IN
SACRAMENTO LAST NIGHT WHERE ONE
UNLUCKY DAD LEARNED THE VALUE OF
THE WORDS "VOTE BY MAIL."
>> YOU'RE AT THE END OF THE
LINE.
>> YEAH.
>> WHAT AN HONOR.
>> HOLD ON, DAD, I'M ON THE
NEWS.
I'M TRYING TO GET HIM TO COME
VOTE.
>> IT CLOSES IN TWO MINUTES.
>> NEVER MIND.
>> Jimmy: COULD HAVE BEEN THE
ONE THAT PUT TULSI GABBARD OVER
THE TOP.
IT'S ESSENTIALLY A TWO-MAN
CONTEST, JOE AND BERNIE FIGHTING
FOR THE NOMINATION LIKE IT'S THE
LAST BOWL OF JELL-O AT THE
SENIOR CENTER.
ISN'T YOUR LATE 70s A WEIRD TIME
TO START A NEW JOB?
THE ONLY JOB YOU SHOULD START IN
YOUR 70s IS WALMART GREETER.
WE ALREADY HAVE A RULE THAT YOU
CAN'T BE YOUNGER THAN 35 TO BE
PRESIDENT.
I THINK CONGRESS NEEDS TO CAP
THAT, TOO, AT AGE 70.
PEOPLE LIKE GEORGE WASHINGTON,
NO ONE EXPECTED TO LIVE UNTIL
AGE 78.
THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY WAS
35 THEN.
BACK IN 1789, THEY MADE THE
MINIMUM AGE TO BE PRESIDENT 35.
MAYBE THEY DIDN'T WANT A
PRESIDENT, I DON'T KNOW.
BY THE WAY, WHY IS THE MINIMUM
AGE 35 IN IF WE WANT SOMEBODY
WHO'S 33 AND GREAT, WE CAN'T
HAVE THAT PERSON IS?
JESUS DIED AT 33.
HE WOULD HAVE BEEN INELIGIBLE TO
BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I DON'T KNOW.
I FEEL LIKE THE REASON THAT WE
GO FOR THE OLD WHITE GUYS IS
BECAUSE WHEN WE WERE GROWING UP,
WE WERE TOLD THAT'S WHAT GOD
LOOKED LIKE.
AND NOW, BECAUSE OF HIS
RELATIONSHIP WITH BARACK OBAMA,
JOE BIDEN IS VERY POPULAR WITH
AFRICAN-AMERICANS, AND BERNIE,
ONE OF THE REASONS HE WAS THIAB
TO DO SO WELL IS HE'S STRONG
WITH LATINOS.
PRESIDENT TRUMP THIS AFTERNOON
DEMONSTRATED HIS POWERFUL
COMMAND OF ESPANOL.
>> ALSO HERE THIS AFTERNOON IS
IS MIGUEL GUTIERREZ.
I
I'D LIKE TO ASK MIGUEL TO COME
UP AND GIVE US YOUR STORY.
>> Jimmy: ALL'S MIG-WELL THAT
ENDS MIG-WELL.
IT'S NOT LIKE A COMMON NAME.
GUILLERMO, HOW MANY GUYS DO YOU
KNOW NAMED MIGUEL?
>> Guillermo: ONLY ONE.
>> Jimmy: SEE?
AND'S FROM THERE.
OUR PRESIDENT ALSO KEPT BUSY ON
TWITTER.
HE POSTED A PICTURE OF MIKE
BLOOMBERG LICKING HIS FINGERS
WHILE EATING PIZZA.
HE WROTE, DON'T LICK YOUR DIRTY
FINGERS, BOTH UNSANITARY AND
DANGEROUS TO YOURSELF AND
OTHERS.
I THINK HE'S SURPRISED THEY ARE
BIG ENOUGH TO LICK.
I WANT TO LOOK AT THIS VIDEO
AGAIN.
THIS REALLY HAVE SOMETHING.
IT'S A CRAZY WEEK WHEN I AGREE
WITH THE PRESIDENT ON SOMETHING,
BUT THAT IS, I THINK HE JUST
STARTED THE DOMINOES RIEVIRUS
THERE.
THE NEW YORK MAYOR DROPPED OUT
OF THE RACE.
THE ONLY PLACE HE WON WAS
AMERICAN SAMOA.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN CHEAPER FOR
HIM TO JUST BUY AMERICAN SAMOA,
FOR THAT MUCH MONEY, THESE ARE
THE THINGS MIKE BLOOMBERG COULD
HAVE BOUGHT WITH $500 MILLION.
THIS ORIGINAL DA VINCI.
250 BU BOUGATTIS.
25 OF THOSE HEART OF THE OCEAN
NECKLACES FROM "TITANIC."
THE CALGARY FLAMES.
HE COULD HAVE PAID FOR ALL OF
TRUMP'S GOLF SINCE HE BECAME
PRESIDENT.
AND WHILE BLOOMBERG MAY NOW BE
OUT OF THE RACE HE DID RELEASE
ONE FINAL CAMPAIGN AD, WHICH,
HAD IT RUN, MAY HAVE PROVEN TO
BE HIS MOST EFFECTIVE YET.
>> AMERICA, OURS IS A NATION
FOUNDED ON IDEAS.
WE NEED A CANDIDATE WHO CAN WIN
VOTERS' HEARTS AND MINDS.
MIKE BLOOMBERG IS THAT
CANDIDATE.
HE'S THE ONLY DEMOCRAT RUNNING
WHOSE NAME YOU HEAR IN EVERY
SINGLE COMMERCIAL BREAK, EVERY
SINGLE TIME YOU TURN ON THE TV.
YOU'VE SEEN HEM THOUSANDS OF
TIMES.
BUT LOOK AT HIM.
REALLY, LOOK AT HIM.
LOOK DEEP INTO HIS EYES.
SURRENDER YOURSELF TO THE
INEVITABLE.
SUBMIT TO BLOOMBERG.
THERE IS ONLY BLOOMBERG.
BLOOM-BERG.
>> I'M MIKE BLOOMBERG, AND
YOU'LL DO AS I COMMAND.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS
NOT, I GUESS NOW WE WON'T.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SO BLOOMBERG IS OUT.
HE ENDORSED JOE BIDEN TODAY.
AND THIS IS VERY CLEVER.
THEY HAVE A GREAT PLAN,
ACTUALLY, FOR THE UNSOLD
BLOOMBERG CAMPAIGN MERCHANDISE.
YOU KNOW HOW BECAUSE OF THE
CORONAVIRUS THERE'S A SHORTAGE
OF THOSE MASKS?
WELL, NOT ANYMORE THANKS TO
CLEVER TAILORING ON THE TEAM OF
TEAM BLOOM BERPG.
THERE YOU GO, PROBLEM SOLVED.
PRESIDENT TRUMP IS A WELL-KNOWN
GERM PHONEE
GERMAPHOBE, AND HE'S SAID TO BE
GOING AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE
SAYING "I CAN'T GET SICK, I
CAN'T GET SICK", HE SUPPOSEDLY
BANNED SOME STAFFERS FROM HIS
OFFICE.
AND YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHO HE
BLAMES ON THE LIMITS FOR
TESTING.
>> OBAMA ADMINISTRATION MADE A
DECISION ON TESTING THAT TURNED
OUT TO BE VERY DETRIMENTAL ON
WHAT WE'RE DOING, AND WE UNDID
THAT DECISION A FEW DAYS AGO.
>> Jimmy: HE ALSO BLAMED
PRESIDENT OBAMA FOR POKEMON GO.
TRUMP HAS BEEN TELL ADVISING HIS
MEETINGS ON THIS.
HE HAD A ROUND TABLE WITH THE
CEOS OF THE AIRLINES DURING
WHICH HE PRESENTED THE BRIEGHT
SIDE OF THE CORONAVIRUS.
>> IT'S AFFECTING THE AIRLINE
BUSINESS AS IT WOULD.
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE STAYING
IN OUR COUNTRY, SHOPPING AND
USING OUR HOTELS IN THIS
COUNTRY.
SO FROM THAT TANSTANDPOINT I TH
THERE'S PROBABLY A POSITIVE
IMPACT.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT, AND GUESS WHO
OWNS HOTELS.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE SMARTEST MAN
IN THE WORLD.
MIKE PENCE GAVE A CORONAVIRUS
UPDATE.
HE BRAGGED THAT THEY HAVE, HE
SAID IN A POSITIVE WAY, WE HAVE
2500 TESTING KITS AVAILABLE.
THAT'S GREAT, THAT'S LIKE THE
SHIP IS SINKING, BUT DON'T
WORRY, WE HAVE AN INNER TUBE,
JUMP ON.
BUT THE PRESIDENT IS NOT WRONG.
PEOPLE ARE HOPPINSHOPPING A LOT
MOSTLY BUYING HAND SANITIZER,
WHICH YOU CANNOT FIND NOW
BECAUSE OF PANIC BUYING.
THIS IS A TEXT I GOT FROM JAMES
BABY DOLL DIXON.
HE WON'T FLY, HE WON'T DO
ANYTHING.
THIS PHOTO YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE
IS THE REAL PASSENGER SEAT OF
HIS CAR.
HE'S GOT CIGARETTES, TOWELETTES
AND DOUGHNUTS EVEN.
IF THE CORONAVIRUS DOESN'T GET
HIM, EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS CAR
WILL.
ALSO A BOTTLE OF COLOGNE IN THE
MIDDLE WHICH HE COULD GARGLE IN
A PINCH.
BE WELL, BABY DOLL.
SMOKE HARD AND EVERYTHING WILL
BE OKAY.
SOME SCUMBAGS ARE TAKING
ADVANTAGE OF THIS BY JACKING UP
PRICES FOR SANITIZER LIKE PURE
EL.
THIS IS LISTED ON AMAZON FOR
$99.
THEY GOT AROUND RULES BY LISTING
IT AS A COLLECTIBLE.
AND AN 24-PACK OF TRAVEL SIZE
PURELE.
LYFT REPORTED THEIR BIGGEST DAY
OF REVENUE EVER.
PEOPLE ARE SCARED TO USE PUBLIC
TRANSFORMATION.
MAYBE THE HONDA WITH THE BOWL OF
COMMUNITY BETH BREATH MINTS
ISN'T THE SOLUTION.
NOT EVERY COMPANY IS THRIVING,
ONE UNFORTUNATELY NAMED PRODUCT
HAS BEEN AN UNEXPECTED VICTIM OF
AMERICAN STUPIDITY.
>> SOME AMERICANS SAY THEY'RE
AVOIDING CORONA BEER BALLSECAUS
CORONAVIRUS.
MORE THAN A THIRD SAID THEY WILL
NOT GUY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE.
>> Jimmy: REALLY?
REALLY IN A THIRD OF US?
THINK CORONA THE BEER IS CAUSING
THE VIRUS IN THAT'S LIKE
THINKING GATOR CAUSES AIDS.
I FOUND IT DIFFICULT TO BELIEVE.
SO WE DECIDED TO GO OUT ON
HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD TO DO OUR
OWN UNSCIENTIFIC POLL TO SEE IF
WE GOT SIMILAR RESULTS.
>> DO YOU THINK THERE MIGHT BE A
CORRELATION BETWEEN CORONA BEER
AND THE CORONAVIRUS?
>> POSSIBLY, IT WOULD BE
SOMETHING TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT.
>> DO YOU THINK THERE'S ANY
CORRELATION?
>> INITIALLY, I DID THINK THERE
WAS A CORRELATION BETWEEN THE
TWO.
LUCKILY, I DON'T DRINK.
>> GOT YOU.
IF YOU DID DRINK, WOULD YOU BE
CONCERNED ABOUT DRINKING CORONA?
>> YES.
>> WHY?
>> BECAUSE IT SOUNDS THE SAME.
>> ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT A
RESU
RESURGENCE OF THE ZUMA VIRUS.
>> OF COURSE!
>> ARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT
GETTING SOMETHING LIKE
BACARDIOSIS?
>> OF COURSE, IF MY MOM SEES
THIS, SO YES.
>> WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN YOU
HEARD MIKE PENCE WAS THE HEAD OF
THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE IN.
>> I THINK HE'S THE MOBEST FOR E
JOB.
>> WHAT ABOUT BARTLES & JAYMES
TO WORK ON THE TASK FORCE?
>> I THINK THEY'RE QUALIFIED AS
WELL.
>> WE NEED SOME TECHNOLOGY IN
OUR SYSTEMS.
>> WHAT ABOUT A FIREBALL.
>> THAT AS WELL.
SINCE OUR TECHNOLOGY IS IS
CONSTANTLY IMPROVING I'M LOOKING
FORWARD TO THAT AS WELL.
>> HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING HEED TO
ADVICE FROM GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS
FROM THE SURGEON GENERAL OR
CAPTAIN MORGAN?
>> YES, AND I'M NOT PANICKING.
I'M STAYING CALM.
GO DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE
VACCINATED AGAINST WHITE CLAW?
>> I JUST GOT VACCINATED.
SO YES.
>> WHAT ABOUT WHITE CLAW?
>> OH, MY GOD, THAT'S ON TELL
IGS AND I'M GOING TO BE LIKE THE
[ BLEEP ] IDIOT.