I'm a little bit awkward I guess.
I figured that out recently.
I noticed that because one time
I was shopping in a grocery store
and the owner of the grocery store
accused me of being
a spy for another grocery store.
(audience laughing)
I guess he was looking at me
like no one looks that
uncomfortable.
(audience laughing)
He's up to some cabbage espionage
definitely.
Yeah, I'm pretty awkward.
So that's the only thing I can feel
confident about I guess.
If someone tries to make me feel
more uncomfortable,
I just turn into bane
from the Dark Knight Rises and like,
I was born in the awkwardness.
You may be adopted.
(audience laughing)
I think I have
an inferiority complex
but I'm really arrogant about it.
I'm like no one's better than me
at being below everyone, so.
(audience laughing)
I've been checking social media way
too much.
I was checking Instagram like 19
times a day, and now I check it once
a day for 19 hours.
So that's where I'm at right now.
But I'm trying to be more
in the moment.
The last person I dated
said I wasn't in the moment enough.
I think that's what she said.
I wasn't really listening.
(audience laughing)
But I'm trying to grow up.
Well, I was reading some
of my journals, I was like wow,
I used to be really immature.
But I realized it was an entry
from like two days ago.
(audience laughing)
Sometimes someone will tell me
like a funny embarrassing story
and I don't even get why it's funny,
I'm like that sounds like a pretty
normal situation.
Thanks.
(audience laughing)
Like if someone in my family
was kidnapped
and I told the kidnapper I have
a particular set of skills,
he would know that I'm not talking
about social skills.
(audience laughing)
So there's some things I
can't-- like I could never shop
for someone at Victoria's Secret.
I'd be like yeah,
I'm shopping for my girlfriend.
They'd be like, "you don't have
"a girlfriend.
"We can tell somehow."
Like this one time I went to Subway
and the lady behind the counter
was like, "What type of cheese
"would you like?"
And this guy said, "American."
I thought he said I'm married so it
was a really confusing conversation
for me to hear.
"What type of cheese would you like?"
I'm married, please back off.
(audience laughing)
But I was next.
She's like, "what type of cheese
"would you like?"
I'm like, I'm not married.
(audience laughing)
She's like, "what?"
I was like, oh, nothing.
I got to go.
(audience laughing)
I just ran into a rest room.
I first I was in the wrong one.
I was like, oh, this
is a weird men's room.
There's no urinals.
There's a bunch of women laughing
at me.
(audience laughing)
They were like, "he probably doesn't
"have a girlfriend."
(audience laughing)
I found the men's room.
I was using that diaper changing
stall, which I thought was OK.
But I came out and there were guys
waiting to change babies in line.
I felt like I had to explain why I
was in there.
I was like,
it's OK I'm wearing a diaper right
now.
(audience laughing)
And that totally works if you're
in that situation, there's no follow
up questions.
(audience laughing)
I don't have any kids
but I found out George Foreman,
he names all of his kids
after himself.
And I want to do the same thing.
I'm going to name all of my kids
George Foreman.
(audience laughing)
And if one of them gets braces,
they'll have a George Foreman grill.
So that is my plan.
And thank you.
I did that joke on America's Got
Talent and it didn't go very well.
I had to go out after there was--
the act before me was a parrot.
And it was doing all these tricks
where it's flying through hoops
over the audience.
And the worst part was afterwards
backstage the parrot was repeating
my jokes back to me
and getting bigger laughs than I
did.
(audience laughing)
I've decided not to go to the Apple
store anymore because people ask me
a lot of questions when I go there.
And I don't actually work there,
so I don't know what to tell them.
But anyway, I went--
for a while
I was doing comedy on this MTV show
called Wild 'n Out,
and it's a hip-hop style improv
show.
So people don't believe me when I
tell them that I'm on it.
They're like, "are you the accountant
"or something?"
I guess because I'm very white,
like, I just found out my blood
type is khaki.
(audience laughing)
So the first year I did that show
I couldn't even get into the after
party.
The bouncer was like,
"this is for the cast of Wild 'n Out."
I'm like, yeah, I'm in the cast.
He was like, "no, you're not."
I was like oh, yeah?
Well, you actually seem to know what
you're talking about,
I'm out of here.
But I came back, I was like look
I have a backpack
that says Wild 'n Out.
He's like, "fine your backpack can
"come in."
One time someone actually came up
to me, he's like, "Can I get a picture
"with your backpack?"
I was like, do you want me in it?
He's like, "no,
"you can take the picture I guess."
But when I auditioned for that show
it was tough because they were like,
do you have any impressions?
And I don't really do a lot
of impression.
I don't know if you picked up
on that so far.
But I was trying to come up
with something on the spot.
I was like, all right,
this is Beyonce talking
to a marionette maker,
if you like it, then you should've
put a string on it.
And they were like, "is that it?"
I was like, well, I could do maybe
how about Andy Rooney from CBS's 60
Minutes, which might be a weird fit
for an MTV show.
But I thought maybe if they don't
know who the person is maybe
they won't be able to tell that I
don't sound like him.
So I was like, I am Andy Rooney.
I was at the Apple Store,
they didn't have any apples
and stuff.
And so I didn't think the audition
was going well,
because the producers were like,
"this is usually a high energy kind
"of show."
I'm like, oh, I'm not usually high
energy that's why I really turned it
up today during this audition.
(audience laughing)
And they were like, "we don't know
"if it makes sense for you
"to be on the show."
But once I was on it they were like,
"yeah, this really doesn't make
"any sense."
(audience laughing)
I don't know if I'll get to keep
doing it for long.
I saw them auditioning new people
this year.
There was like a nerdy white guy
auditioning, I'm like, I wonder who
he's going to replace.
(audience laughing)
But it's been fun.
One time someone recognized me
in a coffee shop but then they
thought I left and I was still
there.
So I got to hear how they would
describe me to other people.
And they were like, "the guy
"from Wild 'n Out is here.
"The guy that looks
"like the grown-up kid
"from The Christmas Story
"if he was home-schooled."
(audience laughing)
And they started doing impressions
on me, which was hurtful
because they were
good at impressions.
(audience laughing)
But one time someone came up to me
and she's like, "are you
"Jacob Williams?" I was like, yeah.
And she was like, "no, you're not."
I was like, oh, maybe she's right.
She was a lot more confident
about this than I was.
(audience laughing)
But usually, people are nice.
One time, someone was like,
"I've never met
"a real celebrity before."
I'm like, you've still never met
a real celebrity.
She's like, "I watched you for months
"on that show."
I was like, oh, yeah, I watched you
for months too.
That's not the right thing to say,
probably.
Anyway, it is weird if someone's
like, "you look familiar."
I'm like, oh, did you see me on TV?
They're like, "no, I think I saw you
"at the Apple store earlier."
(audience laughing)
But before I did comedy
I did real estate.
And I just wanted something more