Alright, now, as I've said before,
board games were a big deal, when I was a kid.
So much of a big deal, that I'm doing a second part to this video.
Because well, I had board games coming out of every orifice, when I was a kid.
So here we go, back to the board game Grade-A-Thon,
where I talk smack about your favorite games as a kid,
and give them a crappy letter grade to go along with it.
First up, Pictionary.
Now, personally, I like the game of Pictionary.
In contrary to how crappy my cartoons are,
I can actually draw at a fairly decent level.
The only problem is, every time that I play Pictionary,
my partner draws like his hands are broken,
and all his drawings look like a goddamn Rorschach inkblot for Christ's sake.
"Uh, is it getting bullied in middle school?
Or a picture of my parents fighting?
Repressed memories?
What the hell is that?! I don't know!"
We'll give Pictionary an A- if you can draw,
or a D- if your drawings look like two turds smashed together.
Next up, Operation.
Now, Operation is a game of skill and finesse.
And the concept is simple:
you have a patient, named Cavity Sam,
and he's having a few issues.
For one, he's got a bunch of foreign objects lodged inside of his body,
and for two, he's got no dick and balls.
Which, I think, is a more pressing matter.
Not to mention Sam's health insurance is so shitty,
he has to elicit a couple of 8-year-olds to operate on him in the first place.
Now, overall Operation was a downright nerve-wracking game.
I mean, you barely touch the damn metal side, and all of a sudden,
B
BL
BLA
BLAA
BLAAA
BLAAAR
BLAAARP
BLAAARP!
B
BL
BLA
BLAA
BLAAA
BLAAAA
BLAAAAA
BLAAAAAA
BLAAAAAAA
BLAAAAAAAA
BLAAAAAAAAA
BLAAAAAAAAAA
BLAAAAAAAAAAA
BLAAAAAAAAAAAR
BLAAAAAAAAAAARR
BLAAAAAAAAAAARRR
BLAAAAAAAAAAARRRR
BLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR
BLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR
BLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR
BLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR
BLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR
BLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRP
BLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRP!
Fucking Cavity Sam goes all Rudolph on you,
starts vibrating and shit.
How could you play that game as a kid and not be filled with anxiety?
"Okay, easy does it.
Just a little bit more..."
B
BL
BLA
BLAA
BLAAA
BLAAAA
BLAAAAA
BLAAAAAA
BLAAAAAAA
BLAAAAAAAA
BLAAAAAAAAA
BLAAAAAAAAAA
BLAAAAAAAAAAA
BLAAAAAAAAAAAA
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAR
BLAAAAAAAAAAAARP
BLAAAAAAAAAAAARP!
(Thud, crashing noise)
We're gonna give Operation a D,
actually, we're gonna give it two Ds
for the size of fucking batteries that it took to power the damn thing.
Next up, Taboo.
Now, Taboo is a personal favorite of mine.
If you've never played it before,
basically it's the game of Pictionary, but with words.
You have to get your partner to guess the top word on the card
without saying any of these no-no words at the bottom.
And just like Pictionary, it helps to have a good partner.
Like if me and my cousin David are partners,
it's not even fair.
We'd be sitting there rattling off answers left and right.
- Parachute pants. - MC Hammer.
- Helen Hunt. - Tornadoes.
- Tim Allen. - Santa Clause.
- A fucking cat going over a waterfall. - Uh... Homeward Bound?
"Time's up, 47 points!"
"What the hell just happened?!"
But God forbid if you and your partner are on a whole different brain wavelength.
You're not gonna get shit.
"Uh, let's see here, they come when you get hurt."
"Uh, I don't know, a fucking masochists?"
"A masochist, what?"
"Uh, time's up, ambulance!"
"It was a fucking ambulance!"
"Oh, that's what you meant!
I thought that...
well you know what, never mind what I thought."
Taboo gets an A, we're moving on.
Next up - Don't Wake Daddy.
Now, this game was the shit back in the '90s.
And the concept of this game was:
sneak your piece into the kitchen,
but don't get caught by your plastic dad,
or he's gonna give you the spankings.
But why play the board game,
when you could go over my friend Michael's house,
and play it for real?
That's right, I'm talking about
Don't
Don't Wake
Don't Wake My Drunk-ass Stepdad.
The concept of that game is:
me and Michael try to sneak by his passed-out stepdad
and get into the kitchen, where he has Little Debbie snacks.
"Okay, we got 'em, nothing can stop us now."
(Farts)
"Oh, what the FUCK?!"
(Glass bottle shatters)
"GET OUT OF KITCHEN, YOU LITTLE SHIT!
YOU'RE GETTING 10 ACROSS THE ASS!"
Don't Wake My Drunk-ass Stepdad gets a D for...
Dangerous, how about dangerous?
Next up - Apples to Apples.
Now, I'm sure I'm gonna get lambasted on this one,
but I have to say, Apples to Apples sucks ass.
Well, maybe it's not the game that sucks ass,
maybe it's just the people I play it with.
Because every game of Apples to Apples goes the same way.
As soon as that little green descriptor card gets flipped up
I get all excited, because I think I have just the right card to play!
How in the hell can somebody not pick my card?
It's perfect!
But it doesn't matter, because there's always some idiot judging the cards,
that's totally oblivious.
"Okay, the word is senseless.
Let's see, we got Wood Chipper,
Croutons, The YMCA, and Hellen... Keller?
Who the fuck is that?
Oh well, I like Croutons, Croutons is the winner!"
"God damn it, Carol!
Fucking read a book once in a while, will you?!"
Apples to Apples gets a D+,
and Carol can go fuck herself.
Next up - Chutes & Ladders.
Now, who doesn't like a game of Chutes and Ladders?
It's a pretty simple concept.
You just pick which dirty little kid you want to be,
then you try to make it to the top of the board
by climbing ladders and avoiding slides.
There's nice little pictures on the board that teach you life lessons.
Like if you steal a lady's purse,
you can buy yourself an ice cream.
If you try to do some sweet Mat Hoffman shit on your bike,
then you're probably gonna break your fucking clavicle.
You just gotta make sure you avoid that big Six-Flags-Attraction-sized
fucking slide that's in the middle of the board.
Because one minute you're fucking around with a vase,
or an urn or whatever the hell that is,
and then all of a sudden, boom, you're back at the beginning,
you have a concussion,
and you just desecrated your Grandpa-Pappy's ashes.
Chutes and Ladders we'll give a... give it a B, I guess.
Because I don't know, does anybody fucking pay attention to these letter grades?
Probably not.
B+ for Chutes and Ladders.
Alright, let's cut to the worst game that I had growing up as a kid.
And that game is none other than
Jumanji the fucking board game.
Now, I know I mentioned this before in the older video,
but it's worth repeating:
How do you fuck up Jumanji as a board game?!
It's a game that's based on a movie
that's based on a game.
You'd think it'd be pretty good.
Our little 8-year-old asses are all amped-up to play it.
Thinking we're about to fight the Amazon rainforest and shit.
"Oh sick, I hope a hoard of rhinos comes storming through my front door
and fuck up my stepdad!"
Well, imagine our surprise,
when we find out that this game doesn't have stampedes,
or monkeys with shotguns
or David Alan Grier.
When the hell is Van Pelt gonna pop out of the closet
with a rifle and be like,
"Not good enough, Sonny Jim."
Well, never, apparently!
Because all you do in Jumanji the board game
is draw cards and roll dice. :(
It's boring as hell and it's a waste of time.
And if you don't want to take my word for it,
check out this Amazon review, it's got two stars!
And I know it's in Spanish,
but allow me to translate, ahem.
"This game is booty, Robin Williams is not included."
Jumanji gets an F along with...
two draw twos
and a go fuck yourself.
The end.
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