- It's so fun. You get so drunk.
You start a bonfire outside.
You fucking firebomb anybody that tries
to get through the gates.
A lot of times it's your cousin, you know.
You don't even care.
[dark electronic music]
[bell dinging]
Oh. [chuckles]
Nicely done.
Yes.
Mmm.
Mmm!
[moaning]
[piglet whining]
♪ ♪
[fork clatters]
♪ ♪
[whining]
♪ ♪
[whining continues]
♪ ♪
Your mama's so delicious.
[cheers and applause]
- This next man just finished his 130th movie.
Tom Arnold, everybody!
[cheers and applause]
- I'm gonna tell you about some jobs I had.
I had a great job.
I worked at a meat-packing plant for three years.
Anybody else done that?
The Hormel meat-packing plant in Ottumwa, Iowa.
By the way, if you work on the kill floor
of a meat-packing plant, you will get very drunk every day.
Okay?
There's a documentary called "American Dream"--
It won an academy award in 1990--
about our meat-packing plant.
I voted for every strike that came up.
I didn't even read the paperwork, you know,
and by the way, man, it's so fun.
You get so drunk.
You start a bonfire outside.
You fucking firebomb anybody that tries
to get through the gates.
A lot of times it's your cousin, you know.
You don't even care.
And then people were interviewing us outside,
and they're like, "Why are you striking?"
And I go, "I have no idea, but it's fucking fun, man.
I know that."
And if you watch that documentary,
you see what happens.
The company just fired us and just changed the name of the
business, and then they hired people from other countries
to work for half the pay.
Yeah, anyway, it didn't work out too well,
but my best job, I think, was McDonald's.
So after that, I went to the University of Iowa,
and I needed money, right?
So--first I applied at Pizza Hut.
But they made you take a lie detector, so...
and then they ask you questions, you know,
real personal ones, like, "Have you ever stolen food,"
and earlier in my life, I worked on a farm.
I grew up on farms, and I was bailing hay for a guy.
We all did--for 14 hours-- and this guy was supposed
to pay us $1.40 an hour, and he was an asshole,
and he only gave us 70 cents an hour,
'cause he said we drank too much water.
So I sold one of his cows.
Anyway, that's technically stealing.
I think it's technically-- I did, for real.
I don't consider it stealing, but anyway,
so--and I had, like, a fucking Pinto.
It was a tough--anyway, but I had those bungee cords.
I mean, he was safe.
Anyway, it's a long story... That's true.
So, I get this job at McDonald's in Iowa City.
And it is the best job because,
if you unload the truck on Thursdays,
you get one meal of whatever you want to eat.
So I would have eight Big Macs with Quarter-Pounder meat
and a Diet Coke.
And then I would start my workday,
you know, feeling totally sick and disgusting.
And that's--it's shocking
I became a drug addict because of that.
Anyway, but I loved there.
I got to play Ronald McDonald
for the kids on Sundays
with terrible hangovers.
It was just a wonderful place to work.
And all my friends loved it.
You know how your friends love it
when you work at a place like that, right?
They fucking line up there.
And they want free food. You know?
And it's really hard 'cause they got computers,
so you gotta pay attention
and keep track of the food.
And you have to pretend you've thrown food
into the hopper that was in there too long,
and you've thrown it away,
so when you're giving away free food.
And, you know--and by the way,
all that food that was in the hopper
that they put into a trash thing,
I take home every night.
And my roommates, we love it.
And sometimes we'd get a bad Filet-O-Fish
or something and somebody gets really sick.
But anyway-- otherwise it's a waste.
It's only been in there 12 hours, that's fine.
So...
[light laughter, murmuring]
And anyway...
So, my buddy, Moe, who's still my buddy,
you know, he comes in there every Friday,
and he wants a bag of cheeseburgers.
So I give him a bag of cheeseburgers.
I give all my friends whatever.
And then I have to figure out on the computer--
you know, 'cause it makes you real smart working there.
And...and then I see Moe.
He's talking to the owner, Kevin [bleep].
And they're pointing at me.
And I'm like, what's going on?
And he goes, "This customer says
you forgot some of his cheeseburgers."
Like, my own fucking buddy is narcing on me,
who I just gave free--
you know, that's the kind of friends I have, so...
I also had a part-time job at Paul's Discount,
and this really helped.
And what I did to Paul's Discount was,
every day I'd go into work, and then I'd get a gym bag
off the shelf, and I'd fill it up with stuff
that friends wanted me to steal,
and I'd go home with a full gym bag,
and the owner would take me home.
And every night, it was scary, 'cause it still had
the things on it, and, you know, the clips.
And I just prayed he'd shut off the security system
as I walked by the cash registers.
And so it was a very exciting place to work.
And then--and then one day a beer distributor came in
and said he wanted some golf clubs and stuff,
and I said, "I'll make you a deal.
"You drop off 50 cases of beer at my house,
and I'll make this trade," so we--you know,
a good deal for everybody.
And--and it was a Friday night, Iowa football game,
so I knew we were gonna be partying very hard,
and also, McDonald's, we had this game going.
And every time you bought a bag of food,
we put a game ticket in,
and you could win a Big Mac or a Big Breakfast or $5.
And so, I was getting ready to leave--it was Friday night.
And I see a box of those, 6,000.
And I'm like, fuck that. I'm taking it home.
So I take home the box,
and me and my friends stayed up all night.
Our fingernails were-- were just destroyed,
'cause you gotta rip the sides off.
And in the morning, we had 157 free Big Breakfastes.
And we'd been up all night with the free beer.
And it was, like, a real classy party,
like, you know, a brunch of something,
so, anyway, we go down to McDonald's.
Since I work there, I can't cash it in.
But my buddy Moe can.
So I park behind the dumpster.
And Moe goes in and he goes up to the front.
And he puts them up there and he says,
"I'd like 157 free Big Breakfastes."
And the lady goes,
"Oh, I'm sorry, sir, did you not read the fine print?
It's only one per visit."
And my friend Moe is pretty smart.
He's like, "Boy, the kids at the home
are gonna be pretty sad."
And Kevin [bleep], the owner, who's still the owner,
runs over and goes,
"Sir, we will honor those.
For the kids."
So the next thing I see
is my buddy Moe with a giant cardboard box
full of Big Breakfastes.
I'm like, holy shit, we did it.
We did it. Brilliant.
And then right behind him is Kevin [bleep],
the owner of McDonald's with another big box
of Big Breakfastes.
And I realize, I'm gonna be fired in about five seconds.
And Kevin [bleep],
that guy is such a jerk,
he didn't even take the food back.
He just looked at me in the car
and just gave me that, "I'm...
"I'm so disappointed.
"I considered you assistant manager material, Tom.
You could've ended up at Hamburger U."
Anyway, so that's my last day at McDonald's.
So...later in life...
I know, it's sad. It was a great job.
Later in life, I got sober,
and when you get sober you have to make a list
of all the people you need to make amends to.
And mine was a pretty extensive list.
And...once I got past the girlfriends
whose credit I'd ruined, I got to McDonald's
and Paul's Discount, and I sent them checks.
And...I called Kevin [bleep].
And he's such a nice guy, he cried.
And he wouldn't take the money.
He had to give it to the Ronald McDonald House.
How nice is that, right?
'Cause I'd stolen, you know, $10,000 worth of food.
I mean, that's pretty-- like, that is...
The one thing I did do, when I left,
they stopped putting pockets on the uniforms.
'Cause I--you know. Anyway...
but there's a happy ending, because one time
I hosted "Saturday Night Live."
And I got to play a McDonald's manager,
And this was when Bill Clinton was president
and would always go to McDonald's.
And the great Phil Hartman, who I love too...
Yeah, everybody...
[cheers and applause]
Most of the people that I love are dead now apparently,
but Phil Hartman was wonderful, and I had--
I played Kevin [bleep].
I had his name tag on there as a tribute to that guy,
so that's a happy ending to that story.
Thank you guys very much for being here.
Thank you.
- Tom Arnold, y'all.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.