- Hi, I'm Dr. Tracey Marks, a psychiatrist,
and I make mental health education videos.
Today's video is based on a viewer question from Rena.
It's a long question, so I've shortened it
and paraphrased it in certain parts,
but the gist of it is that
she feels she can't do the things she used to do
because of her bipolar illness.
Essentially she feels held back
because she feels going hard
the way she usually does will trigger a manic episode.
Here's how she asked the question.
"For years I built my life into developing
"myself into a media mogul focusing on
"eco-conscious innovators
"and entrepreneurs.
"And for a very short time had some great success,
"including having a public-access cable TV show
"with several pilot episodes,
and a number of websites that I was building up
"with online courses, networking events
"and other social media platforms.
"Over the years my involvement in building this business
"took a toll on my marriage,
"leading to divorce, putting a strain on my family,
"mainly because they didn't believe I'd be very successful
"and thought I should get a "real job."
Rena had a series of negative things happen to her
that led to divorce, losing her job and losing her home.
She goes on to say "I had my first manic episode,
"at which time I was hospitalized.
"And at that time I got my official diagnosis of BP1.
"I was 35 at this time.
"Now that I'm stable and medicated
"I'm afraid of stepping back into a limelight
of any kind.
"Right now my life is easy.
"I'm poor financially,
"but rich in time.
"I fear that if I change anything,
get more goal oriented, put myself out there,
"get back into the game,
"that I may have a manic episode again,
"fry my brain again
"and end up in the hospital,
"and maybe not be able to recover as well as I have now.
"I feel that I've totally self stigmatized myself
"into stability and I don't see myself growing out
"of this disorder and getting back into the bandwagon
"as I once had.
"It's both heartbreaking and relieving at the same time.
"As I'm sure you know, producing media is a hustle,
"and I'm no longer sure of myself as I once was
"because I accept that I am BP.
"Could you speak to that part of us
"that struggles with what we thought
"was real for us before our diagnosis,
"and what should be a reality for us
"in a society and status quo we live in
"now that we're categorized as a stigmatized population
"here in the U.S.?"
I heard a couple of issues here in her question,
so I wanted to clarify what she was really asking me.
So I said "are you saying that your bipolar disorder
"holds you back from hustling because you fear
"if you become too intense about what you do
"it could push you into mania?"
And she said "Yes, exactly.
"I recognized after being diagnosed that much
"of what I'd done to achieve the successes
"I had before the diagnosis were possible
"because I was unconsciously experiencing
"the symptoms of BP1,
"racing ideas, grandiose thinking,
"sleeplessness, restlessness, having the expectations
"that others should know I'm a genius,
"planning for expansion of success
"before understanding the reality
"and hard work it takes to convince others
"that you have talent,
"and know what you're talking about.
"So yes, I have the fear that I may have an episode
"if I go back to trying to pursue the life
"I'd lived before my diagnosis.
"How can I deal with this fear?
"WoUld it just be better, smarter, to move on
"and focus on the present moment
"and not try and push myself?"
Woo.
Thanks so much for this question, Rena.
It brings out some important points
when it comes to managing your ambitions
and also addresses a fear that's unique to an illness
that changes your perception
and makes you lose touch with reality.
One of the things I heard her asking
that I've seen other people grapple with
is this idea that the mania allowed you
to do things that you otherwise wouldn't be able to do
because of the super energy
and amped up outlook that you have
that let's you achieve these things.
Once you crash and burn,
you're left thinking about what happened
and the kind of person that you became
when you were on fire
and rising to the top.
You may ask yourself was that really you?
Or was it a fake you that you need to
say goodbye to because it's a dangerous state to be in.
Really severe mania can be so destructive
and disruptive that it can be devastating
for people when they come down from it.
First of all, because there's often a big mess
to clean up of things that you did
or neglected while you were manic.
But secondly, if you get to the point
of being delusion, it's devastating to feel
like you've lost your mind
and that you couldn't control your thoughts.
It can really take a hit to your self esteem
and make you feel very insecure.
I've had people say to me
I didn't know that I could think that way,
how do I know I won't get like that again?
They can become like Rena
and be afraid to do anything
that could push them close to that edge.
So that's the conflict Rena is talking about.
If she plays it safe to keep from
going too close to the edge,
she feels trapped in a stale existence
that's not giving her much fulfillment.
On the flip side, she's stable
and that's a good thing.
But it feels like life on auto pilot.
So here's my thoughts about this.
First, you can't produce mania simply by being ambitious.
You can have grand ambitions
as part of your baseline personality.
Mania is an emotional state
that increases your energy and impairs your judgment
and impulse control.
And that's the state of mind
that takes your baseline ambitions
and grows it to a grandiose
and unrealistic level.
Mania is a part of bipolar disorder
and it's not something that just happens
because you work really hard.
So in Rena's case it sounds like her first
manifestation of the illness was mania.
That mania fueled the hustle
that helped build her business.
But she didn't get bipolar disorder
because she was building a business.
Some of the things that she did to build a business
may have been a something of her being manic at the time.
However, she did build the business over years,
and it may be that the mania creeped in
later in the process.
Since she still has a desire to return in that business,
I doubt that the business only happened
because she was manic.
Usually business ideas that arise only out
of a manic episode don't survive the aftermath of mania,
meaning once you're back to your normal way of thinking,
you don't wanna return to that idea
because you realize that it was something
that wasn't realistic.
So this speaks to the issue
of how you tell the difference
between something that you did
only because you're manic
and something you would normally do,
but the mania allowed you to do it
faster, better or more.
As for returning to media work, Rena,
your bipolar disorder should not mean
that you can't pursue your interests.
But it does mean that you have to set some limits
on how much you work
and how, and you have to prioritize your self care.
With bipolar disorder it's important
to stay on a treatment regimen,
whatever it is,
and make sure you have good sleep hygiene
so that you get consistent sleep.
These limitations may make it harder
for you to do certain types of work.
For example, it would not be in your best interest
to work in a job that required you
to be awake for 24 to 36 hours at a time.
Also you wouldn't wanna take a job
that would not allow you to be able to take your medication
or see your doctor because you have to travel out
of the country for six months at a time.
These are just some examples
of how your disorder creates some limitations
on the kind of work that you do.
So if the only way that you can work in media
is to do things that make you
not sleep for days, not take your medication,
not follow up with your doctors appointments,
and not eat healthy,
then I'd say it's not the best kind of work for you.
But I have a feeling it's not that limited.
I don't doubt that working in media is demanding,
but maybe it doesn't require
you to fry your brain to be successful.
The brain frying comes from the shortcuts that you take
to get where you wanna go
maybe faster than you need to go.
If you step it back to accommodate your needs
for self care, than maybe the outcome
is that you grow slower,
but slow growth is still growth.
Also, if this work gets you excited,
being excited and having ideas
doesn't mean that you're manic
or will become manic because
you're just so excited.
The over the top grandiose ideas
come from the mania that descends upon you
and takes what you're already doing and thinking
to another level.
If that's what you're afraid is gonna happen,
the work around that is to stay in treatment
and also be aware of the early signs
that you're becoming manic.
I did a video on the manic prodrome
where I talk about recognizing early signs
of mania so that you and your doctor
can make an intervention to keep it from escalating
and becoming mania.
Thanks again for this great question, Rena.
I hope you find contentment with whatever
decision you make and stay well.
And to you, thanks for listening.