WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW," I'M I'M YOUR HOST
STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, I KNOWATES COMEDY SHOW BUT I HAVE SOME SAD NEWS
TONIGHT.
AS OF 10:48 P.M. EASTERN LAST NIGHT, THE G.O.P. HEALTHCARE
BILL WAS PRONOUNCED DEAD OF TERMINAL SUCKING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
I CLAP WHEN I'M HEART BROKEN, TOO.
YOU COVER THE PAIN.
IT WAS ALWAYS A LONGSHOT BECAUSE THE REPUBLICANS CONTROL ONLY ALL
THREE BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT ( LAUGHTER )
CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO DO EVERYTHING.
THE FINAL BLOW WAS DELIVERED LAST NIGHT, WHEN UTAH SENATOR
AND MAN FAILING TO GET ANYONE TO RAISE THE ROOF, MIKE LEE, AND
KANSAS SENATOR AND GREY ALIEN WHO FOUND A CAN OF BRONZER,
JERRY MORAN, RELEASED STATEMENTS OPPOSING THE BILL AT THE EXACT
SAME TIME.
IT WAS THE RARE SIMULTANEOUS NO-GASM.
( LAUGHTER ) IT IS HARD TO OVERSTATE THE
LEVEL OF FAILURE HERE.
THE G.O.P. CRUSHED THEIR CAR AT 90 MILES AN HOUR INTO A CLIFF
WITH A GRIN ON THEIR FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S LIKE IF BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN
TOOK A PONTIAC AZTEK TO BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO TO RENT "THE
LONE RANGER" AND WATCH IT ON LASER DISC.
THAT'S HOW BADLY THEY FAILED.
( LAUGHTER ) REPUBLICANS SAID ONE THING FOR
THE LAST FOUR ELECTIONS: >> WE NEED TO REPEAL AND REPLACE
OBAMACARE.
>> REPEAL AND IMMEDIATELY REPLACE THE FAILURES OF
OBAMACARE.
>> REPEAL AND REPLACE OBAMACARE.
>> REPEAL OBAMACARE AND REPLACE IT.
>> WE WILL REPEAL AND WE WILL REPLACE.
>> REPEAL OBAMACARE AND REPLACE IT.
>> REPEAL AND REPLACE.
>> REPEAL AND REPLACE IT.
>> STEPHEN: IT WAS YOUR ONE JOB.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S YOUR TAGLINE, IT'S YOUR
MOTTO, IT'S PAUL RYAN'S "REPEAL AND REPLACE" TRAMP STAMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
HE LOOKS GOOD.
>> Jon: GOT THAT FOOTAGE, BOY!
♪ OH, YEAH!♪ .
>> Stephen: LOOKS GOOD.
AND IT WASN'T JUST THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES AND THE SENATE,
IT WAS ALSO THE CHUCKLEHEAD IN CHIEF.
>> THE FIRST THING WE'RE GOING TO DO IS REPEAL AND REPLACE
OBAMACARE.
MY FIRST DAY IN OFFICE, I'M GOING TO ASK CONGRESS TO PUT A
BILL ON MY DESK BECAUSE WE WILL TERMINATE OBAMACARE AND REPLACE
IT, BELIEVE ME, WITH SOMETHING GOOD.
BELIEVE ME.
>> STEPHEN: I DON'T.
( LAUGHTER ) BELIEVE ME, I DON'T.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
NOT THEN, NOT NOW.
NEVER!
HEY, REMEMBER, TWO MONTHS AGO WHEN TRUMP AND THE G.O.P. THREW
AN OLD WHITE GUY PARTY CELEBRATING WHEN THE HOUSE
PASSED THEIR VERSION OF THE BILL.
"GUYS, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SO MANY CHICKENS.
LET'S START COUNTING!" NOW, THAT CELEBRATION SEEMS
ALMOST AS EMBARRASSING AS LYNDON JOHNSON'S "VICTORY IN VIETNAM"
LUAU.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE REPUBLICANS HAVE A GREAT
BACKUP PLAN.
SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND MAN DESCRIBING THE SIZE OF HIS
PROSTATE, MITCH MCCONNELL, CAN INTRODUCE A BILL SIMPLY
REPEALING OBAMACARE WITH NO REPLACEMENT.
YOU KNOW, JUST TAKE IT AWAY AND DON'T FIX IT.
YOU KNOW, HOW WHEN YOUR CAR GETS A FLAT TIRE, YOU REMOVE IT, THEN
CUT THE BRAKES AND LET IT ROLL INTO A CROWD OF UNINSURED OLD
PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: TRUMP LIKES THE PLAN, TWEETING,
"AS I HAVE ALWAYS SAID, LET OBAMACARE FAIL AND THEN COME
TOGETHER AND DO A GREAT HEALTHCARE PLAN.
STAY TUNED!" "YES, STAY TUNED."
BECAUSE REPEALING YOUR HEALTHCARE IS THE HOTTEST NEW
REALITY SHOW: NO SURVIVOR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
SO IT'S DECIDED.
THE WHOLE LEADERSHIP GOT TOGETHER AND DECIDED IT.
THIS MORNING, THEY ANNOUNCED THEY'RE GOING TO REPEAL NOW AND
REPLACE LATER.
AND TONIGHT...IT'S DEAD.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, MITCH MCCONNELL CAN'T BE
HAPPY ABOUT THIS.
CAN WE GET A LOOK AT MITCH?
NAH, HE LOOKS GOOD.
THAT'S HIM HAPPY, I THINK.
>> Jon: WOW, WOW.
>> Stephen: THIS IS A GOOD TIME TO REMIND YOU THAT WHEN
THEY KNEW BARACK OBAMA WOULD VETO IT, THE G.O.P. VOTED
MORE THAN 60 TIMES TO REPEAL OBAMACARE.
BUT NOW THAT THEY CAN ACTUALLY DO IT, THEY DON'T HAVE THE
BALLS.
ALL THOSE TIMES THEY VOTED, THEY MUST HAVE BEEN YANKING THEIR OWN
LEVER.
BUT, NOW, WHEN THEY HAVE A REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT, THEY CAN'T
GET THEIR VOTE UP.
SO TRUMPCARE IS DEADER THAN THE PEOPLE WHO WOULDN'T HAVE
HEALTHCARE IF TRUMPCARE PASSED, -- WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD IF
TrumpCare PASSED.
BUT THE PRESIDENT HAD SOME INTERESTING MATH TO TURN THIS
INTO A WIN.
>> IF YOU LOOK AT IT, 48-4.
THAT'S A PRETTY IMPRESSIVE VOTE BY ANY STANDARD... AND YET YOU
HAVE A VOTE OF 48 TO 4 OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, AND YOU
NEED MORE?
THAT'S PRETTY TOUGH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: 48 TO 4?
THAT ADDS UP TO 52, NOT 100.
YOU JUST IGNORED ALL THE DEMOCRATIC VOTES.
EVERYTHING'S A SUCCESS BY THAT LOGIC.
"IF YOU JUST TAKE OUT THAT ONE ICEBERG, THE TITANIC HAD A
FANTASTIC MAIDEN RUN.
( LAUGHTER ) FASTEST TRIP TO THE BOTTOM OF
THE OCEAN EVER.
ALL RIGHT?
TREMENDOUS BOAT."
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT PERHAPS THE BEST PART OF TRUMP'S REACTION WAS THIS REAL,
ACTUAL SCREENGRAB FROM FOX NEWS WITH THE LOWER THIRD "TRUMP:
EVENTUALLY WE WILL GET SOMETHING DONE."
( LAUGHTER ) SO, EVENTUALLY, WE WILL GET
SOMETHING DONE.
SO, ONCE AGAIN, IT'S TIME TO UPDATE THE HAT.
EVENTUALLY SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER ) SO ALL THEIR PLANS COME TO
NAUGHT AND ALL THEIR LIES.
THEY LIED TO THEIR VOTERS AND PEOPLE WHO TRUSTED THEM.
SO THEY DON'T REPEAL AND REPLACE, AND REPEAL AND DELAY IS
ALREADY DEAD.
SO WHAT'S THE PLAN?
WELL, TRUMP HAS ONE, TELLING REPORTERS THIS AFTERNOON --
>> I THINK WE'RE PROBABLY IN THAT POSITION WHERE WE'LL LET
OBAMACARE FAIL.
WE'RE NOT GOING TO OWN IT.
I'M NOT GOING TO OWN IT.
>> Stephen: NO, NOT GOING TO OWN IT.
VERY PRESIDENTIAL, EXPLAINS THE SIGN ON TRUMP'S DESK THAT SAYS
"WHOSE BUCK IS THIS?
I THINK OBAMA LEFT THIS HERE."