I know y'all hear this country-ass accent.
My whole town is about this big,
and since I slept with everybody down there,
I relocated to Atlanta, Georgia, to turn my life over to Christ.
I need y'all to know I'm moving to Houston, Texas,
in a couple of weeks.
Atlanta ain't as big as I thought it was.
[applause]
It's a shame when you start re-fucking niggas.
I was like, "Ugh, you again?
Come on.
I got here loving Atlanta.
It's crazy, 'cause they treated me so nice.
They valet parked my car at a Cheesecake Factory.
Turned up, the white man came out,
gave me a ticket. He said,
"We gon' take your vehicle, "park it for you.
Have a wonderful night at Cheesecake Factory."
I'm like, "Wow.
Let me tell you some stuff though."
I said, "First of all, you gotta turn this key
"all the way back and jiggle it to get it out the ignition.
"You gotta roll this window down and stick your arm out of it,
"'cause this car ain't gonna open from the inside.
"Uh, oh, that brick on that back seat,
"it go behind the tire once you park it,
'cause this mother will roll."
He gave me $5 and said, "Go on down the hill,
put it in the first parking space you see."
I love young men, ladies.
I love me a good, young, tender "roni," you hear me?
Macaroni, Rice-A-Roni.
I like my men so young,
they cologne made by Johnson & Johnson.
I like my men so young, when I bring him home
from a date, his Mama say,
"Show me on the Teddy Bear where she touched you."
Like, what do your men call you? - Bae.
- Bae, boo, shawty, skeeza.
I'm all them.
It's all me.
But they ain't got no money, ladies.
They'll put your lights out, but can't pay
to get them motherfuckers back on.
But I'm telling you what to do, ladies,
you got to get you a old man.
Yes, they heard your brakes squeaking.
They seen that tire bald-headed in the back.
[cheers and applause]
They know it's back-to-school time for your children.
You can find 'em easy, they got three little old names.
Mr. Willy,
Mr. Earl,
and Mr. Charles. Who know? Who know?
Mr. Charles turned me on...
the way he pay rent.
Ain't nothing sexier than that. Telling you something.
But you gotta get used to old man stuff though.
Mr. Charles paid the rent, the light, the water,
and gave me my allowance.
Yes, it was my civic duty to take him out,
but he asked me, "What color you wearing, red, green, blue?"
I said, "Why?" He said, "So we can match up."
I said, "Hell no!
Ain't nobody matched up since '84."
Guess what he did.
Put on that COOGI sweater with all the colors in it.
Said he was gonna match me whether I wanted to or not.
But y'all, I do all manners of evil,
'cause I already know I'm on my way to heaven.
Y'all can't stop me.
Y'all can't. I'ma be in the VIP section,
eating [indistinct] cakes and drinking champagne.
And I'ma tell you why.
'Cause I was nice to Jehovah Witnesses.
Jehovah Witness came to my house.
"Hi." I said, "Ma'am, it's hot out there, come on in.
You want something to drink?" I gave her some water.
She drank the water. She was looking at me,
I was looking at her.
She was looking at me, I was looking at her.
She was looking at me, nigga, I was looking at her.
I said, "Ma'am, ain't there something
you want to talk to me about?"
She said, "I don't know, I ain't never made it this far before."
Y'all ain't shit!
I'm Sweet Baby Kita.
[cheers and applause]
[hip-hop music]