MALE SPEAKER 1: And now, the CEO of K-Swiss, Kenny Powers.
[APPLAUSE]
KENNY POWERS: Woo hoo, yeah!
Kenny fucking Powers!
Come on, raise it up!
Woo hoo!
Come on!
There you go, two at you!
Let me hear fucking more!
[APPLAUSE]
KENNY POWERS: All right, cool!
OK.
OK, OK, shut the fuck up!
I have a dream, a wet dream, and today you get the pleasure
of witnessing my dream come true.
The way I see it, there's three things an athlete needs
to succeed.
Talent, strippers, and most importantly, speed.
Because speed is what takes an athlete to the next level.
Today, it's time to unleash my greatest creation ever, my
magnum fucking opus, Blades!
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC]
KENNY POWERS: Witness and behold the world's most
advanced running shoe.
He's doing the running man, get it?
That's hilarious.
Look how nimble he is.
OK, running man, that's cool.
You're overdoing it now.
You're making yourself look stupid.
Get the fuck out of here.
Now, let me give you a sneak peek into the
brilliant mind of me.
Yo, word.
Welcome to the K-Swiss R and double D lab.
Double D for development, and also for huge tits.
Come on in.
Cool science, dog.
In order to create a shoe that will make an athlete run
faster than fuck, I not only watch how fast
this cheetah runs.
I watch how that motherfucker kills.
Suck it, slow ass animal.
What's up?
Me and my smart as hell scientists here have developed
what I like to call speed activated technology.
Run slow and the blades will become soft and pillowy, like
these awesome things.
Or, flip the fucking turbo switch and
blades will react quickly.
Like a spring loaded shotgun for your fucking feet parts.
Nice work, dickheads.
But next level technology like this doesn't mean jack shit if
it doesn't translate to peak performance on game day.
That's why I enlisted the help of all pro
linebacker Patrick Willis.
PATRICK WILLIS: Aah!
KENNY POWERS: See if he can run this motherfucker through
some tests.
Fuck that wildebeest up!
PATRICK WILLIS: [YELLING]
Aah!
KENNY POWERS: Willis, that is fucking bad ass!
That is how I invented Blades.
[APPLAUSE]
KENNY POWERS: As for the name, I got to give credit where
credit is due.
To a Chinese man by the name of Bruce.
Ni Hao, player.
You're fucking blown up these days.
You got like a bagillion Facebook fans.
BRUCE LEE: Definitely, definitely.
[LAUGHING]
KENNY POWERS: Whoa, whoa.
Don't get cocky on me there kimosabe.
BRUCE LEE: I meant that as a joke, of course.
[LAUGHTER]
KENNY POWERS: All right, time for serious.
Remember that time when me and you were fucking around in
your dojo playing with swords and shit and those derelicts
tried to step to us?
BRUCE LEE: Violence man.
[LAUGHTER]
KENNY POWERS: Oh yeah, that was violence.
Well while you were busy tearing them a new asshole, I
saw something.
You see these motherfuckers?
These little scratches on your titties, they were the
inspiration for the name Blades.
BRUCE LEE: And it's a heck of a name, man.
KENNY POWERS: Yeah, no shit.
I came up with it.
BRUCE LEE: All type of knowledge ultimately means
self knowledge.
Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup--.
KENNY POWERS: OK, how about this?
How about instead of doing all this poetry shit, we just go
fuck some dudes up with this blade, huh?
BRUCE LEE: [LAUGHTER]
KENNY POWERS: [LAUGHTER]
Woo!
[APPLAUSE]
KENNY POWERS: Yep, that was me.
That exchange was completely real.
But all this blood, sweat, and innovation doesn't mean a
goddamn thing if we don't get feet in the shoes.
So we're making Saturday morning commercials
specifically for the soft little minds of children.
Let's get these kids fucking hooked on speed!
All right ladies, let's see what these blades can do.
Fuck yeah, Blades!
Woo!
Speed!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
You just shit your pants, nerd.
Blades!
Woo!
Aw shit, evil dude.
Run fast or die, hombre.
Speed!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Speed!
Take that, fuckers!
Blades, go buy them.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC]
[ASTRONAUT BREATHING]
KENNY POWERS: Walking on the--
fuck.
Walking on the moon was the greatest thing that man had
ever done, until now.
I've basically taken all the fastest shit I've ever seen--
bionic missiles, fucking Bruce Lee, cheetahs--
and I've combined them together to make the best shoe
you've ever seen.
You may applaud now.
[APPLAUSE]
KENNY POWERS: Oh yeah, water on the moon feels just right.
What do you ladies say we take a trip to Uranus?
You get it?
MALE SPEAKER 2: Blades.