- Hey, you're here!
I was kinda hoping you wouldn't show up.
The fact that you agreed to go out with me
really makes me wonder what's wrong with you.
Before I called you to set up this date,
I wrote down what I would say
and rehearsed it for an hour.
Would you like some wine?
I think I'm gonna get some
because it helps me not feel embarrassed
about every word that comes out of my mouth.
I hope you're ready for me
to paint a very distorted picture of how social I am,
because you're the only person I've talked to
in three weeks.
To get ready for tonight,
I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos
about how to be charming and flirty on a date.
Yeah, clearly those YouTubers are full of (beep).
Tell me more about you because I've been talking so much,
I now feel extremely self-conscious
and am sweating profusely.
Mostly in the butt area.
(chuckles) Yeah, you know, I just realized,
I've said, "Oh, nice,"
to the last five things you've said in a row,
and now all I can think about
is how I cannot say "Oh, nice" again!
I gotta tell you, I'm usually in my pajamas by this time.
I am so drained right now, but I'm gonna keep talking to you
because I've invested so much time
and energy into this interaction,
that I really don't think I have it in me
to start over with someone else.
There's an internal struggle
between the part of me that wants to find true love,
and the part of me that wants to go home right now
and watch a TV show I've already watched six times.
Okay, and there's our second pause longer than three seconds
with me chuckling nervously
as I try to think of something else to say,
so let's just end this date right now
before you get an accurate picture
of how awkward I truly am.
Thank you for offering to split the check with me,
but I've got it.
I've saved a lot of money over the years
by never going out or having fun.
I had a great time with you tonight.
Now I just gotta figure out if I like you enough
to leave the house for a second date.
All right, time for an awkward goodbye
where I try to stay vague and noncommittal
about whether you'll ever hear from me again.
If you don't initiate a kiss, there won't be one.
And there won't be one.
(laid back jazz music)