-Welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. You made it. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, today is National Pharmacist Day.
Yeah. To celebrate, pharmacists everywhere were like,
"A Pfizer shot for you, and a tequila shot for me.
Here we go. Let's keep it going."
If you want to do something nice for your pharmacist,
you can stop asking them if they have any more
COVID tests in the back.
"Everything we have is out."
Speaking of COVID tests, the state of Florida
let a million COVID tests expire in a warehouse.
But now the FDA has decided to extend the expiration dates.
[ Laughter ]
When they heard that, every New York hot-dog vendor
was like, "Is that really safe to do that?
Because..."
Yeah, the FDA just extended the expiration dates.
When they heard that, the CDC said,
"Hey, making up rules as you go is our thing."
Meanwhile, Florida was like, "You can put any date
on them if you want.
We're still not going to use them.
We don't care. We don't..."
Now, get this.
I saw that grade schools in Massachusetts
are using dogs to sniff out COVID.
So if the dog starts barking,
either you have COVID or Lunchables.
[ Sniffs, growls ]
-"Bologna." -But good news.
If this works, The White House plans to mail everyone
in the U.S. a COVID dog.
That's right. So that's kind of cool.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yesterday, former President Trump
hung up during an interview with NPR.
[ As Trump ] I've had enough.
[ Normal voice ] After being challenged on
his baseless election-fraud claims.
Of course, it's not the first time
Trump's hung up on a phone call.
I mean, we actually got ahold of some audio from other ones.
-Really? -Yeah. Take a listen to these.
Very interesting. It's just -- -Wow!
-Quick to the trigger on that. -Wow!
-Switching gears, researchers found that Netflix
has continued to produce content that shows people smoking,
despite making a pledge that they would stop.
Yeah, people don't want Netflix to glorify addiction
while they watch five hours of Netflix every night.
Netflix was like, "We had a doll mow down
300 people in 'Squid Game.'
You're drawing the line at smoking?
Okay."
Well, listen to this.
I saw that the Oscars are going to have a host
for the first time in four years.
Yeah, that will be great. [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, it turns out a lot of celebrities
are interested in the job, and we actually got
our hands on some leaked audio of their auditions.
Here, take a look at this.
-Oh, man. [ Chuckles ]
I can't believe I'm hosting the Oscars right now.
This is so crazy.
Okay, so, like, here are the nominees for Best Kiss?
Oh, no! I don't think that's an award.
Kissing's, like, pretty tight, though.
[ Beep ]
-Oh, wow! -Wow!
-Wow! This is just -- Look at these bright lights.
-Oh, my God! Those little statues! Wow!
-Wow! -Wow!
-Wow! [ Beep ]
-Great to be here on Hollywood's biggest night, brother.
I read on Facebook that wireless printers give you COVID,
also those Applebee's buzzers, too.
Anyways, the nominees for
Best Technical Direction in a Short Film are, brother...
Oh, wow. [ Cheers and applause ]
"Wow!" -"Wow!"
-Some business news.
Apparently, DIRECTV and Dish Network
are once again in talks to merge.
Yeah, it's taken a while to reach a deal
because neither of them work when it's raining.
That's right -- DIRECTV and Dish Network might merge,
and if they do, maybe they'll be named
Forbes' Most Powerful Company of 2003.
-Oh. -Yeah.
I saw that, this week, Pope Francis
went to a record shop in downtown Rome and bought a CD.
Yeah, I guess he's a big music fan.
Can we see him?
I guess he listened to his CD on his drive home.
-♪ A-B-C-D-E-F-U ♪
-Wow. Interesting.
He likes that? [ Cheers and applause ]
I like Gayle, too.
Hey, I heard that Domino's said, this year,
it's expecting unprecedented food-cost increases.
Meanwhile, Papa John's was like,
"As long as ketchup prices stay low, we're fine."
[ Audience groans ]
Oh, come on. He's not watching. [ Laughter ]
And, finally, a pub owner in Ireland
is so tired of hearing about COVID
that he's making any customer who mentions the virus put
2 euros in the COVID jar.
Yeah, that's not to be confused with the other COVID jar,
a bowl of communal peanuts.
We have a great show, everyone.