What is your middle name, Matt Gourley?
You are Matt
Eustace Gourley. James.
Matthew James Gourley. Matt Eustacious Gourley.
No, no. No. (Sona laughing)
Matthew James Gourley. Yes, Eustace.
Matt Eustace Hezekiah Gourley. ("Shh" from toy sounds)
What is that? What do you got there?
Is that the Shusher?
That's a Baby Shusher, yeah.
I have one, two of those. What is that?
What is that?
It's just something you put next to your baby
to try to get it to be quiet,
and it just shushes them. (Sona laughs)
And so I'm shushing you.
Why don't you just go, "Shush?"
That's all it's doing.
It's doing what you could do. Because then you can
just go out.
You and your wife can go out and get food
and leave this behind.
Well why don't you just leave...
Get like a Michelin tire,
put an ice pick through it,
and let it hiss at your baby (Sona laughs)
while you and your wife hit the bar scene.
I don't understand why you'd need that thing.
That thing seems...
And that's not comforting, (Baby Shusher continues)
that's not, "Hush." (gently)
That's (hisses).
Yeah. There's a reason it's in here with me
and not being used on my baby. Yeah, that thing's terrible!
Yeah, we don't use it either.
It looks like a salt and pepper shaker,
Yeah.
but when you turn the knob
it makes your baby think that there's an asp
in the bed with it, (Matt laughs)
ready to strike at her jugular.
That's terrible.
Well I think he was using it now for a different reason.
Yeah, I was. And it wasn't working.
No. I can talk right through that.
I don't need that.
That wouldn't have worked in my house growing up,
let me tell you.
Six apes,
six Irish apes
running around smashing into each other.
(laughing) Redheaded orangutans.
No, I was the only redhead,
but I was a redheaded orangutan with five other apes,
all of us smashing and crashing into each other
in a confined space.
My father, of course, always at the lab.
He'd always say, "Well, I've gotta go to the-"
Sure. The lab is a cocktail bar.
Yes, exactly. Yeah,
he wasn't even a doctor. Trust me.
Trust me,
he's not even a doctor. The lab.
He bought a white coat. (Matt laughing)
He took a white coat off of an ice cream vendor,
and said he was a doctor,
and was just gone all the time.
(Sona laughs)
And my poor mother
would just be trying to get us all to be quiet
and just settle down,
and nothing ever worked.
You know what I'm picturing?
You know that scene in Zoolander,
where they're like jumping on the computer
trying to open it up,
and they're just a bunch of monkeys?
Yeah. I just picture six of those.
Yeah! Just running around,
jumping on things,
and making weird, like, grunting noises.
Yeah, no it was uh... Your poor mom.
My mom did everything she could to get us to settle down,
and it didn't work.
And once my mother and father,
they never got to go out to dinner...
And first of all,
in Boston, in the 70's,
I think there was one restaurant in our,
(Matt laughs) within 30 miles of our house.
And uh, it was a-
Was it something like, "The Jolly Roger," or something?
Yeah, exactly.
It had, um...
And it was this restaurant that my...
It was Tony's Italian Villa.
(Matt and Sona burst out laughing)
And it was on- It's not even a restaurant!
And it was on Route 9.
Tony's Italian Villa. (laughing) It's his house.
Tony's Italian Villa was on Route 9,
and my poor folks,
it was the one restaurant they could take us to.
And they could afford it
because we'd all cram into one booth,
and it had one of those mini jukeboxes
at the end of the table.
You know those mini ones? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Nothing says Italian restaurant
like a mini jukebox. (laughs) Yeah.
And my brother would always put,
whatever it was back then,
a nickel into it,
and play "American Pie"
because the song lasted longer
than any other song. (Sona laughing)
Oh, god. So I was sitting there,
at Tony's Italian Villa,
which, by the way, had these terrible paintings on the wall
of, like, the Parthenon,
and Anthony Quinn,
and Zach Galifianakis, (Matt laughing)
and like- All Greek things.
Yeah. Anything Greek.
Mike Dukakis, Olympia Dukakis,
Mount Dukakis. (Matt laughing)
And we'd sit there,
and you'd hear...
And I just associate them,
they knew, they served one thing,
which was pizza.
They'd bring us a pizza,
and we'd each get one soda.
We were allowed one soda. (Matt exhales heavily)
We never got to drink soda,
cause my dad's a doctor.
We never got to drink soda
except when we went to Tony's Italian Villa.
And we each got one soda,
and the nickel would go in.
♪ A long, long time ago ♪
♪ I can still remember ♪
And you'd be like, "Oh my god, here we go.
This song goes on for nine minutes."
And Neal would say, "Yeah, but it's a nickel!"
Yeah, did he wanna get his nickel's worth?
That's why? Yeah! Yeah.
He just wanted as much song as possible?
So every time was like,
and I didn't know what...
It was "Chevy to the levee,"
and I didn't know what a levee was.
And then I remember, I'd just sit there
waiting for the pizza,
which we always got,
and we'd each get our one Coke,
which wasn't very much Coke.
It was a narrow glass.
And I'll never forget the time my brother Neal said,
"Hey. I'll race you to see who can drink their Coke first."
And I went, "Okay!"
And he said, "Go!"
And I just inhaled the Coke instantly,
and Neal didn't even take a sip.
(sighs) Brutal. And my Coke for the,
not just the week, maybe the month,
was gone! (Sona laughs)
(Matt sighs) And Neal was just
laughing at me with these... That is brutal.
And he had a big donkey laugh.
He was like, (laughs maniacally)
and then I heard,
♪ Drove my Chevy to the levee but the ♪
And then a guy would come over and be like,
(in a Boston accent) "You want your pizza pie?"
You're like, "Can you at least pretend to be Italian?"
This story has somehow depressed me.
(laughing) It really is.
Guess what? I still,
whenever I go back and see my parents,
I always, if I'm driving in,
you know, from anywhere,
and I'm driving on Route 9,
I pass the building that used to be
Tony's Italian Villa, (Matt sighs)
'cause it's long gone.
♪ A long, long time ago ♪
♪ I can still remember when ♪
♪ Olympia Dukakis was on the wall ♪
(Sona giggles)
♪ And the three men I admired most ♪
♪ The father, the son, and the garlic toast ♪
♪ They looked a bit in dim light like Donny Most ♪
♪ The day the pizza pied ♪
(Conan mimics a guitar riff)
Sona, do you wanna leave?
Yeah, I have to go.
I wanted you guys to understand my childhood.