You know, what pisses me off
about watching sports is the press conferences
after the game.
Do we have to interview them when they lose?
(audience laughs)
Everybody wants to find out, "why did you lose?"
(audience laughs)
Why did you...
"Well, shit, the other team scored more."
(audience laughs)
"It's how it works."
(lively drum music)
School was fun, man.
I tried to play sports.
You know, every guy wanna play sports.
I ended up not playing.
I wasn't that good.
I tried to play football.
I wasn't that good.
I broke both of my wrists in practice and shit.
(audience laughs)
Ambulance came to get me.
They were like, "god, how you do that shit?"
(audience laughs)
I was like, "man, just take me to the doctor, god damn."
(audience laughs)
I don't know how I did it, damn.
(audience laughs)
"Take me to the hospital."
"Stop asking all these damn questions."
(audience laughs)
Shit.
(audience laughs)
I used to play, man,
'cause I wanted that jersey for pep rally,
I wanted that jersey 'cause I wanted to run out there,
that's how you get the girls.
I used to run out there in the pep rally,
just run out there.
Jersey clean, ain't played one game.
(audience laughs)
Coach never let me in a game.
I'm up there, I be in the bench,
talking about the team 'cause we losing.
They sorry as hell.
(audience laughs)
We would win they put me in the game, shit.
(audience laughs)
One time, somebody got hurt.
Coach put me in the game.
I was like, "what the hell?"
He's like, "Tucker, get up here."
"The hell you want?"
(audience laughs)
Want you to go in the game, wide receiver,
"somebody got hurt."
Oh, shit.
(audience laughs)
I didn't know none of the plays.
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
Cool.
Game almost over.
"Get in the game, boy."
(audience laughs)
I got out there.
"That's okay, I'll go out there."
Quarterback, he get in the huddle,
he say "we gonna run, run the ball."
So, they gonna run the ball.
I say, "he ain't gonna throw to me,"
so I'm-a have some fun.
And I was good 'cause I played
with my older brother and sisters.
I could fake somebody out in a minute.
I was good.
I used to
(audience laughs)
play street ball, I fake, whoa.
(audience laughs)
So I said, I'm-a fake him out, I'm-a get out there.
So he hiked the ball, and I faked the guy out.
Ah, he fell down.
I was look, "whew", I was out there.
I said, "whoa, shit."
(audience laughs)
I saw my mama in the stands.
I said, "hey, Mama."
(audience laughs)
"I'm going pro."
(audience laughs)
"I'm-a buy you a house, Mama."
(audience laughs)
I knew, I knew I was cool.
He was gonna run the ball.
All of a sudden,
quarterback threw the ball at me.
I was like, "what the fuck are you throwing at me for?"
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
Oh, shit, that ain't the play.
God damn, man.
(audience laughs)
He knew I didn't go to practice last week, shit.
(audience laughs)
I was hoping something would happen,
like, a bird would hit the ball or something.
(audience laughs)
It'd rain or something.
Ball came, I dropped it.
I was like, shit.
My whole family was up, cheering.
They was, ha.
I dropped the ball.
They was like, "oh, that ain't my brother."
"That ain't our brother." (audience laughs)
"Our brother number 10."
"We don't know who that was, we don't."
"Come on, Mama, let's go, let's go."
"Come on, he gave up on us"
"we gonna give up on him, shit."
(audience laughs)
"Embarrass the Tuckers like that."
"Let's get outta here."
I'm very philosophical, you guys.
(audience laughs)
I feel like life is about timing, you know?
Timing, when to pull out,
when to (audience laughs)
stop wiping.
When do you ask (audience laughs)
a professional athlete for his autograph
after a home playoff loss?
And I think the answer is never.
(audience laughs)
Thankfully, one of my friends doesn't think this way.
It is my favorite thing that's happened
in my adult life, okay?
One of my buddies, he lives in Cincinnati,
he is a big Cincinnati Bengals fan, okay?
(people cheer) Now.
Yeah, I know, they're tough.
So.
(audience laughs)
He goes to their game, they lose,
which isn't weird, and then,
(audience laughs)
he decides he's gonna wait in the tunnel
and ask players for autographs.
Now, if you're like me, you might be wondering,
wait, are you friends
with, like, an eight-year-old boy or something?
(audience laughs)
No, it's a grown man.
So. (audience laughs)
Picture me in the tunnel of the stadium,
like, "hi, guys."
(audience laughs)
"Keep your head up."
(audience laughs)
"Can I have an autograph?"
And he said they were all like, "no."
And some of them were like, "fuck you."
(audience laughs)
Imagine your heroes being like, "fuck you."
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
(Tom laughs)
Oh my god.
And then Adam Pacman Jones walked out of the locker room.
Now, if you don't follow football,
and you're like, I don't know who that is,
well, how can I best describe him?
Um, one time, he went to a strip club,
and a bunch of people got shot.
(audience laughs)
And then that happened two more times.
What's up? (audience laughs)
I'll give you a sense of his vibe.
It's bang, bang, ba-bang, bang, bang,
ba-bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
He is not approachable.
So. (audience laughs)
My honky ass friend,
(audience laughs and claps)
the biggest honky in America
(audience laughs)
goes, "Pacman."
(audience laughs)
"Will you sign this football?"
And he said Pacman went, "What?"
(audience laughs)
Which, to me, would've been like, oh, so you don't?
All right, cool. (audience laughs)
My friend just decides to make it more clear.
He's like.
(audience laughs)
"It's a football, and you play it."
(audience laughs)
"I just watched you."
(audience laughs)
"Will you sign this?"
And he said Pac goes, "The fuck did you say to me?"
Which, now, I'm like, "why are you still there?"
(audience laughs)
And he's like, "I think 'cause I'm actually shitting myself
as it happens."
(audience laughs)
But now, he knows he's got one shot.
Pac walks right up to him, like, "What'd you say?"
And my friend, he just goes,
"Look, man, it's a football."
(audience laughs)
"It's for my dad,"
"and my dad loves you."
And he said Pacman looked at him,
and he said, "Tell that motherfucker I appreciate him."
(audience laughs)
That's the end of the story, but.
(audience laughs and claps)
I'm a huge Vanderbilt fan.
Woo. Woo.
Thank you, couple of us, yeah.
The storm is coming together.
(Nate chuckles)
I did not go to Vanderbilt.
Vanderbilt asked me to say that.
(audience laughs)
I was like, "I think people know,"
and they go, "we do too, but just say it also."
(audience laughs)
Vanderbilt went to their first bowl game in football
in, like, 20 years in 2008,
and so we all go to it, we're very excited,
it's at Tennessee Titans Stadium,
so me and a bunch of buddies get together,
we go tailgate, we get cornhole,
a grill, like, we're going all out.
And my ticket was at will call, so I went,
I was like, "Look, I gotta go get my ticket."
"I'll be right back."
So I go get my ticket,
and before the lady gives it to me, she ripped it,
which means you have to go in,
and it was, I mean, a full three hours
before the game starts.
I was like, "I don't wanna go in yet," you know?
And she's like, "You have to go."
(audience laughs)
And I just walked into just an empty stadium,
60,000 empty seats.
I'm just, I go to my seat.
I don't even just go to a different,
I went to, like, the one I'm supposed to go to like a loser.
The players are, like, in jeans.
They're not even dressed yet.
(audience laughs)
I was like, "I'm real excited for the game."
I, like, startled them.
They're like, "oh, I didn't even know
anybody was in here."
(audience laughs)
"Did you go to Vandy?"
I was like, "you would think, with how early I'm here, but."
(audience laughs)
I also think, if I went to Vandy,
I wouldn't be in this situation that I'm in.
(audience laughs)
I walked to the top of the stadium,
and just watched my friends tailgate.
I just sat up at the very top,
(audience laughs)
and I was like, "I'm already in, guys."
"Yeah, I decided to save our numbered seats."
(audience laughs)
Nothing was open.
I stood in front of a concession stand
like I was waiting for an iPhone to come out.
(audience laughs)
Just, that gate was down,
and I'm just, like, already trying to figure out
what I wanna eat,
(audience laughs) and they came, and opened it,
and one side got stuck, and I helped them.
I go, "I'll get that side."
I helped them open it.
They're like, "Oh, do you work here?"
I was like, "I've been here a little bit longer
than you have, so."
(audience laughs)
I'm the first generation American, you know?
Like, it's hard to be first generation
'cause you have to learn how to be American,
and teach your parents how to be American too.
Like, for me, in Texas,
I'm a big sports fan.
Like, I love sports.
I'm from Texas, I love football.
(audience cheers and claps) Now, here's the thing, though,
people don't understand, when you're a sports fan,
when you have a team, that's your team.
Those are your boys,
whether they suck or they're good,
like, those are your boys, you know?
(audience chatters)
People are passionate about sports.
I'm from Texas, I like football, dude.
Like, I love the Cowboys, right?
(audience claps and cheers)
Not everyone clapped.
See, five minutes ago, you all loved me,
but now. (audience laughs)
I get it.
You know how hard it is
to be a fan of a team that sucks?
(audience laughs)
It's like you're dating that guy
that can't get his shit together.
(audience laughs)
Every season, they make promises they can't keep.
(audience laughs)
Nah, baby, come back.
This year, I promise you a ring.
Oh, okay.
(audience laughs and claps)
It never works.
And my friends tell me all the time,
they say the same thing,
switch teams, you gotta switch teams.
That's my team.
I can't do that, that's my team.
It's like having a kid that's flunking math,
and you're like, ah, fuck it,
I'm gonna cheer for the neighbor's kid, he's smart.
(audience laughs) You can't do that.
You can't.