(audience applauding)
- You know, I really like that show
Jewish Mum of the Year.
I think they should do more of these,
but with different categories.
My mom would be great in Geordie Mum of the Year.
She once made me a terry towelling boob tube.
(audience laughing)
She didn't mind me being sexy, as long as I was warm.
(audience laughing)
When I was little and I didn't know a word, I'd ask my mum,
but there was one time I must have asked a rude word
and she said to us, "In the future,
"when you're asking about a word
"and you think it might be rude,
"just say so, so I can brace myself."
(audience laughing)
So then I go, "Mum, this word might be rude.
(audience laughing) "What's Velcro?"
(audience laughing and applauding)
"Mom, what's tea-bagging?"
(audience laughing)
"Oh, thank God, I thought it was gonna be something rude.
"That's when you steep the teabag for a long time,
"so that the tea is strong enough to take away
"the taste of bollocks in your mouth."
(audience laughing and applauding)
I've also been watching The Only Way Is Essex.
TOWIE is responsible for vajazzling, isn't it?
Have we got anybody in the room who's been vajazzled?
(audience laughing)
We'd have probably heard you walk in wouldn't we?
(audience laughing)
You can do it on the cheap though,
just in case you were wondering.
Just Pritt Stick and a tube of glitter.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Does it have to be all smooth for a vajazzle,
or can you just thread it through your bush?
(audience laughing)
Like when you're decorating a Christmas tree,
make sure it looks good from all angles.
(audience laughing)
Ofcourse, there's a northern version of TOWIE,
it's called Geordie Shore,
and it's like someone watched TOWIE and went,
"This is too high brow,
"it needs more Jager bombs and shagging."
(audience laughing)
I love it, but it's like someone's fired
an orange paint cannon into a zoo.
(audience laughing)
So what does a real Geordie man
think of these new Geordie men?
I know just the fella.
It's my dad, Phillip.
(audience applauding and cheering)
Hello Dad, I've got my fancy little camera.
Can you see us all right, love?
- Yes, I can see you perfectly, all right.
- Excellent, now, you've been watching
some telly for us, haven't you?
Did you watch The Only Way Is Essex?
- Yes, is that the one where they do the be-javelin?
(laughing)
- No, that was the Olympics, Dad.
(audience laughing)
It's like a posh version of Geordie Shore.
You've watched Geordie Shore, haven't you?
What did you think of that then?
- Do you want to know the truth?
(audience laughing)
- Yes, but try not to swear too much.
(audience laughing)
- It's horrendous.
(audience laughing)
- Aw, that's a bit mean.
- No, Sarah, the people have got no morals,
no manners, no respect,
no respect for themselves,
(audience laughing)
not prepared to accept responsibility,
live in a skip.
(audience laughing)
- Can I just remind you that it's a comedy program.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Well, what do you think about Holly?
She's the one with the red hair.
What about her?
- Holly wants to start being the hunter and not the prey.
- Oh, that's quite good, that's quite deep, isn't it?
(audience laughing)
So, would you watch any of these programs again?
- Never, unless you asked us.
(audience laughing)
- Aw, thank you very much.
Everyone, my Dad, Phillip.
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
The thing is, on Geordie Shore, they have sex so much
it's like they think they're dying out.
(audience laughing)
I described Geordie Shore to someone who's never seen it
and she said, "Oh, it sounds like Friends."
(audience laughing)
I said, "Yes, but with more Canesten."
(audience laughing)
But to find out what the show is really all about,
please welcome Holly, Charlotte, Gaz and James,
from Geordie Shore.
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music) Hello, (blows kiss) hello.
Thank you very much,
thank you very, very much, I'm a genuine fan.
Thank you very much for coming on the show.
Now, is there anything out of bounds?
Do you, like the girls,
do you ever look at an outfit and go,
"It's just too slutty." Ever?
(audience laughing) - No.
- Technically directed a question at you,
but well done for answering for the girls.
"No, never." (audience laughing)
I think you all look lovely tonight.
You really do, you've all scrubbed up.
(audience laughing)
Now from the show,
do you ever get a day off from the show?
'Cause you live together, don't you, all the time?
Do you ever get a day off where you just think,
I'm just gonna read a book
and I'm not gonna shag any women?
- [Gaz] You can't.
- You can't read books?
- You're not allowed to.
- Gary never thinks that, ever.
- No, you're in there for, like, about six weeks at a time.
You've got no phone, no internet, no TV, no nothing.
You're just in there, go out five nights a week.
- So that's your excuse for shagging all the time.
- What else are you meant to do?
- You have to, there's nothing else, not even board games.
Kerplunk, have you got Kerplunk?
(audience laughing)
- There's one game on the Xbox.
- One game, that's all you've got?
I feel like we should post some stuff to you.
I'm feeling quite sorry for you,
like you're in prison.
You're in a shagging prison. (audience laughing)
So just like prison, then.
(laughing)
Anyway, what are we all doing sitting here?
You guys like to party, don't you?
- Yeah!
- [Sarah] Let's do it.
(audience cheering and applauding)
(upbeat music)
- I'm Holly.
- I'm Charlotte.
- I'm Gaz.
- I'm James.
(audience cheering and applauding)
(gasps) (laughing)
- I'm Sarah. (laughing)
- [Charlotte] Can you not walk?
- No! - Why?
- [James] That's hilarious.
(laughing and cheering)
Now, I'm not very good at heels, as you can tell.
You can't walk like that in a night club,
so, can you do a demonstration of, like, a sexy walk?
- Right, so you just have to strut with confidence.
So, it's head high and just try not to fall over.
- Try not to fall.
- So you just go and strut.
- Wow, that is really good.
(audience cheering and applauding)
I'm gonna give it a go, are you ready?
- Go on then.
- Head high, and just strut.
(audience laughing) (cheering and applauding)
- I can't take this seriously.
(laughing)
- I haven't been to a night club since the olden days.
- [Charlotte] Right.
- So, how am I supposed to behave?
Like, what should I do when I'm in the nightclub?
- You just need to dance.
- Shall we do a demonstration, right?
Yous two dance and I'll talk you through it, right?
- Do you wanna know the main dance
if you wanna pull a lad? - Yes.
- Right, are you on the pull tonight, Sarah?
- Okay. (audience laughing)
- Right, here we go, right.
So you're in a club-- - Right, you come with us,
just go along with us.
- So, you're dancing and you're walking over
and you spot a guy that you like,
and you're like "Well, whoa, how am I gonna get him?"
So you're like, "Right, I'm just gonna do the move."
And then you slut drop.
(audience laughing and applauding)
- Oh my god, if I go down, I'm never coming back up.
- Go on, Sarah, right you're in the club--
- We'll talk you through it again.
You're in the club and you're dancing
and you spot a guy that you like over there
and you're like "Well, whoa, how am I gonna get him?"--
- Have I had a drink?
Have I had a drink?
- Yeah, so you're a little bit drunk and you're a bit tipsy
and you're walking around.
And then you turn your back to him
and then slut drop! (audience cheering)
(laughing)
- Oh, you're strong. (laughing)
- You're nearly there.
- You're supposed to get back up.
I mean, I think I need a bit more practice,
but I think that was a pretty good first go,
don't you think? (audience laughing)
Oh no, oh no!
Oh shit! (audience applauding)
I wasn't expecting my dad.
Hiya dad, I didn't know you were coming back.
(audience laughing)
Have you been watching the whole time?
- Yep. (audience laughing)
- What do you think?
- I hope you're not coming home like that tonight.
(audience laughing)
(applauding)
- Now, I don't know what I'm saying,
you know, this isn't me at all,
this is quite clearly not me at all.
This is not my experience.
I think I'm gonna show you what it should be like.
This kind of music's not my sort of thing.
Let's play some music.
(record scratches)
("Wired For Sound" by Cliff Richard)
(audience laughing)
Cliff Richard, Wired For Sound, this.
Can we dance to this? - Yeah!
- I've got some presents for you, as well.
Let's bring the presents on.
- Oh, right, okay.
(audience laughing)
- Get them all on, kids!
- Does this come in short-sleeve or a V-neck?
(audience laughing)
- Lovely nana cardies for the girls.
(audience laughing)
Let's have a big round of applause
for Holly, Charlotte, Gaz and James from Geordie Shore!
(audience cheering and applauding)
Thank you very much! - Thank you!
- [Sarah] Hello, I'm Sarah Millican,
and thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show,
called Bobby Dazzler.
For all the information about where I'm going, and when,
go to sarahmillican.co.uk, thanks.