WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, DONALD TRUMP IS CLEARLY LOSING IT, AND HE DID NOT HAVE A
SURPLUS OF "IT" TO BEGIN WITH.
THE IMPEACHMENT VULTURES ARE CIRCLING, AND HE'S WORRIED,
BECAUSE HE KNOWS THERE'S A LOT OF MEAT ON THAT BONE AND IT'S
GETTING GAMEY.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN OUR ONGOING SEGMENT:
>> "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> YOU CAN'T IMPEACH SOMEBODY FOR DOING THE BEST JOB OF
ANYBODY IN THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: IN RESPONSE TO IMPEACHMENT, TRUMP HASN'T
FORMULATED MUCH OF A PLAN YET, UNLESS YOU COUNT FREAKING OUT ON
TWITTER: "AS I LEARN MORE AND MORE EACH DAY, I AM COMING TO
THE CONCLUSION THAT WHAT IS TAKING PLACE IS NOT AN
IMPEACHMENT, IT IS A COUP, INTENDED TO TAKE AWAY THE POWER
OF THE-- DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT-- PEOPLE,
THEIR VOTE, THEIR FREEDOMS, THEIR SECOND AMENDMENT,
RELIGION, MILITARY, BORDER WALL, AND THEIR GOD-GIVEN RIGHTS AS A
CITIZEN OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!"
( APPLAUSE )
RIGHT, BELIEVE ME.
THEY'RE COMING FOR YOUR RELIGION, OUR BELOVED JEEBUS AND
ALL 12 OF HIS APOSSIBLES.
( LAUGHTER )
DANCER, PRANCER, KILI, FILI, DORI, NORI, ORI, CURLY,
GRUMPY, AND JOHNNY STORM THE HUMAN TORCH."
WHAT DOES HE MEAN--
WHAT DOES HE MEAN-- THE HUMAN TORCH!
WHAT DOES HE MEAN, "TAKE AWAY YOUR GUNS AND RELIGION"?
DOES HE NOT KNOW IF TRUMP IS REMOVED FROM OFFICE, MIKE PENCE
BECOMES PRESIDENT?
OR IS HE TRYING TO TELL US THAT PENCE IS WAY DIFFERENT BEHIND
CLOSED DOORS?
(AS PENCE) "IT'S ALL BEEN AN ELABORATE
RUSE, MOTHER, SO THAT I CAN TAKE AWAY THEIR AK-47s AND GIVE THEM
TO MY SWEET LORD SATAN.
ALSO, YOU ARE NO LONGER MOTHER.
YOUR NAME IS SUGARSHORTS.
NOW, BACK UP THAT BADONKADONK LIKE A TONKA TRUCK."
BEEP!
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS )
>> Stephen: TRUMP-- TRUMP-- THANK YOU.
TRUMP CONTINUED TO FROTH IN A JOINT APPEARANCE THIS AFTERNOON
WITH THE PRESIDENT OF FINLAND.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TODAY'S INSTALLMENT OF...
>> "CHAIR CHAT" >> Stephen: TRUMP WAS CLEARLY IN
A BIT OF A MOOD.
AND IF YOU HAD TO SUM IT UP IN ONE PHOTO FROM TODAY, IT WOULD
BE THIS ONE.
HE LOOKS LIKE AN OLD CAT WHEN YOU BRING HOME A NEW CAT.
( CAT HISS ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP GOT FEISTY RIGHT OFF THE BEAM WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABOUT
ADAM SCHIFF.
>> CALL HIM SHIFTY SCHIFF.
WE DON'T CALL HIM "SHIFTY SCHIFF" FOR NOTHING.
HE'S A SHIFTY, DISHONEST GUY-- WHO, BY THE WAY, WAS CRITICAL OF
ONE OF THE GREAT SECRETARIES OF STATE, GRADUATED NUMBER ONE IN
HIS CLASS AT WEST POINT, GRADUATED TOP-- ONE OF THE TOP
IN HIS CLASS AT HARVARD LAW SCHOOL, THE MOST HONORABLE
PERSON, MIKE POMPEO.
AND THIS GUY WAS NEGATIVE ON MIKE POMPEO.
HE CAN'T-- YOU KNOW, THERE'S AN EXPRESSION: HE COULDN'T CARRY
HIS BLANK STRAP.
I WON'T SAY IT, BECAUSE THEY'LL SAY IT WAS SO TERRIBLE TO SAY,
BUT THAT GUY COULDN'T CARRY HIS BLANK STRAP.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
( LAUGHTER )
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THAT?
BLANK STRAP, I'M TALKING ABOUT A WANG POUCH.
HOW ABOUT THAT THAT BANANA HAMMOCK?
ANYONE?" THEN TRUMP GOT TO THE HEART OF
THE IMPEACHMENT ISSUE.
>> THE WHISTLEBLOWER WAS WRONG.
THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS THE TRANSCRIPT OF THE ACTUAL
CONVERSATION THAT I HAD WITH THE PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE.
>> Stephen: YES!
ALL THAT MATTERS IS THE TRANSCRIPT, THE TRANSCRIPT WHERE
THE PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE ASKS FOR MISSILES, AND YOU SAY, "I
WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO US A FAVOR, THOUGH."
( LAUGHTER )
SAYING, "I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, TOO, IF IT WASN'T
FOR ME RELEASING THIS SIGNED CONFESSION.
HERE, I'LL RIP OFF MY OWN MASK!
I'M OLD MAN McGINTY!"
THEN, ABOUT AN HOUR LATER, TRUMP HELD A JOINT PRESS CONFERENCE
WITH THE FINNISH PRESIDENT.
HE BEGAN BY DEFENDING HIS ASKING THE UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT TO DIG
UP DIRT ON JOE BIDEN.
>> THE CALL WAS PERFECT, THE REAL CALL, THE CALL I MADE.
MANY PEOPLE WERE ON THE LINE.
I KNEW THAT BECAUSE USUALLY WHEN I SPEAK TO FOREIGN COUNTRY
LEADERS-- YOU CAN NAME ANY ONE OF THEM-- BUT WHEN I SPEAK ON
THE PHONE, I KNOW THAT WE HAVE MANY PEOPLE LISTENING FROM
VARIOUS INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "FROM VARIOUS INTELLIGENCE
AGENCIES-- THE SAUDIS, I THINK, ARE ON THERE, I BELIEVE THE
CHINESE HAVE ME BUGGED PRETTY GOOD, BUT NOT RUSSIA.
I JUST FORWARD THEM THE TRANSCRIPTS DIRECTLY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH, WOW!
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
AND HE KEPT INSISTING THAT HIS PHONE CALL WAS PERFECT, AND THAT
THE DOCUMENT THAT PROVES HE'S GUILTY DOESN'T SAY WHAT WE ALL
SEE THAT IT SAYS.
>> I HAD A TRANSCRIPT DONE BY VERY, VERY TALENTED PEOPLE,
WORD FOR WORD.
COMMA FOR COMMA.
DONE BY PEOPLE THAT DO IT FOR A LIVING.
WE HAD AN EXACT TRANSCRIPT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS EXACT TRANSCRIPT
AND SEE WHAT THE TALENTED PEOPLE WROTE.
RIGHT ON THE FIRST PAGE IT SAYS, "NOT A VERBATIM TRANSCRIPT OF
THE DISCUSSION."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT SAYS THAT RIGHT ON THE FIRST PAGE.
MR. PRESIDENT, IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU CAN'T READ?
( LAUGHTER )
YOU: THE AMERICAN PEOPLE CAN.
THOUGH, IT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY YOUR SIGNATURE LOOKS LIKE A LIE
DETECTOR TEST.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT YOU FAILED.
TRUMP TALKED ABOUT HOW HARD THIS IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY HAS BEEN ON
HIM AS A PRESIDENT, THE MOST POWERFUL VICTIM IN THE WORLD.
>> WE HAD THE MUELLER COLLUSION DELUSION, OKAY.
THAT WENT ON FOR YEARS.
AND THAT'S FINALLY DONE.
NOW, I GET THREE DAYS OF PEACE.
AND I'M WALKING ABOUT THE UNITED NATIONS, GOING TO MEET WITH THE
BIGGEST LEADERS IN THE WORLD, AND I HEAR ABOUT THE WORD
"IMPEACHMENT."
I SAID, "WHAT DID I DO NOW?" >> Stephen: WELL, IT'S GOOD TO
KNOW--
IT'S GOOD TO KNOW EVEN YOU CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF YOUR CRIMES.
BUT--
WHY-- WAY AHEAD OF ME.
WAY AHEAD OF ME.
BUT HERE'S MY PROBLEM, HERE'S MY PROBLEM WITH WHAT HE JUST SAID--
WHY DID YOU GET THREE DAYS OF PEACE?
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
I HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP SINCE YOU WERE ELECTED!
NOW TRUMP-- IS THIS THE SAME THING.
IN THE SAME PRESS CONFERENCE, TRUMP CAME DOWN HARD ON NANCY
PELOSI FOR SUBPOENAING TRUMP'S STAFF.
>> NANCY PELOSI HANDS OUT SUBPOENAS LIKE-- YOU KNOW, SHE
HAS TO APPROVE IT.
SHE HANDS OUT SUBPOENAS LIKE THEY'RE COOKIES.
YOU WANT A SUBPOENA?
HERE YOU GO, TAKE 'EM.
LIKE THEY'RE COOKIES.
>> Stephen: YES.
THEY ARE LIKE COOKIES, BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOUR PRESIDENCY
CRUMBLES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S A CRUMBLE UP.
>> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
THEN THINGS GOT EXTRA SPICY WHEN A REPORTER DARED TO DO HIS JOB.
>> Reporter: THE QUESTION, SIR, WAS WHAT DID YOU WANT PRESIDENT
ZELENSKY TO DO ABOUT VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN AND HIS SON
HUNTER?
>> ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
( LAUGHTER )
WOW!
YEAH.
UH-HUH.
LOOKS LIKE THAT WAS-- THAT IS-- LOOK LIKE THAT REPORTER CAUGHT
PRESIDENT TRAVIS BICKLE BY SURPRISE.
(AS TRUMP) "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
WELL, I'M THE ONLY ONE BEING IMPEACHED, SO YOU MUST BE
TALKING TO ME."
WOW.
THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD, PRETTY GOOD "TAXI DRIVER."
CAN WE GET ROBERT DE NIRO'S REVIEW OF TRUMP'S PERFORMANCE?
>> ( BLEEP) HIM.
( BLEEP ).
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WOOO!
ROBBIE "D."
♪ OH, ROBBIE "B" ♪ >> Stephen: BOBBY D.
THANK YOU, TOUGH GAY.
ANYWAY, TRUMP WAS REFUSING TO ANSWER A QUESTION.
>> ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
>> YEAH.
IT WAS A FOLLOW-UP OF WHAT I JUST ASKED YOU, SIR.
>> ARE YOU READY?
WE HAVE THE PRESIDENT OF FINLAND.
ASK HIM A QUESTION.
>> I HAVE ONE FOR HIM.
I JUST WANTED TO FOLLOW UP ON WHAT I ASKED YOU.
>> DID YOU HEAR ME?
DID YOU HEAR ME?
>> DI.
>> I'VE GIVEN YOU A LONG ANSWER.
ASK THIS GENTLEMAN A QUESTION.
DON'T BE RUDE.
>> NO, SIR.
I DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE.
I JUST WANTED YOU TO HAVE THE CHANCE TO ANSWER THE QUESTION I
ASKED.
>> I'VE ANSWERED EVERYTHING.
ASK THE PRESIDENT OF FINLAND A QUESTION, PLEASE.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AND HERE'S THE QUESTION: GOT
ANY DIRT ON JOE BIDEN?"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
A LITTLE SOMETHING-SOMETHING?
NO?" EARLIER TODAY, NANCY PELOSI AND
ADAM SCHIFF HELD THEIR OWN PRESS CONFERENCE, AND THE SPEAKER
REMINDED US THAT THIS IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY IS ABOUT THE
CONSTITUTION.
>> WE JUST HAVE TO LOOK AT THE FACTS AND THE CONSTITUTION.
ANY OTHER OBJECTIONS PEOPLE MAY HAVE TO THE PRESIDENT HAVE NO
PLACE IN THIS DISCUSSION IN TERMS OF IS HE TOO COWARDLY TO
PROTECT CHILDREN FROM GUN VIOLENCE?
IS HE TOO CRUEL TO PROTECT DREAMERS?
IS HE TOO IN DENIAL TO UNDERSTAND CLIMATE CHANGE?
THE LIST GOES ON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY.
>> Jon: WOOO!
>> Stephen: I SEE-- I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING THERE,
MADAME SPEAKER.
(AS PELOSI) "THIS INQUIRY IS ABOUT THE
CONSTITUTION.
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT THE PRESIDENT DOESN'T
KNOW HOW TO WORK AN UMBRELLA OR THAT HE GOT HIS HAIR FROM A PET
CEMETERY, OR THAT HE'S SO DUMB THAT HE THINKS THAT CHECKS AND
BALANCES ARE BREAKFAST CEREALS!"
( APPLAUSE )
WATCHING THEIR PRESS CONFERENCE, AND HE DID NOT LIKE WHAT HE SAW.
SO HE ISSUED A RARE PRESIDENTIAL SWEAR-WORD TWEET:
"THE DO NOTHING DEMOCRATS SHOULD BE FOCUSED ON BUILDING UP OUR
COUNTRY, NOT WASTING EVERYONE'S TIME AND ENERGY ON (BLEEP),
WHICH IS WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN DOING EVER SINCE I GOT
OVERWHELMINGLY ELECTED IN 2016, 223-306.
GET A BETTER CANDIDATE THIS TIME.
YOU'LL NEED IT!" WOW, USING THE POTTY-TALK.
OKAY, GRANDPA, DON'T GET YOUR BLANK STRAP IN A BUNCH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
RAMI MALEK IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, WALL 'GATORS!
WALL 'GATORS!