Has this ever happened to you?
I don't think the world revolves around me.
I hate being liked by everyone.
I wish I didn't seem so intelligent.
Well, look no further. With the Douchebag Workout,
you'll never seem humble, likeable, or smart ever again!
All you have to do is watch this video, follow along, and before you
know it, you'll go from humble to HUMBRO!
Likeable to LIKEABRO!
Smart to...
DUMB!
(nasally voice) Hey, gang! Welcome to the Douchebag Workout.
If you're a beginner, take your time.
We're gonna start off with a simple warm up, so come on!
Let's get started.
Set up the tripod, set up the lights,
take out your camera, lock it in tight!
Turn on the timer, run on back,
unbutton your shirt and hunch your back.
Now breath in, exhale out.
Clench your abs and make a pout.
Import picture, photoshop,
add some contrast, make them pop!
Now export, upload, almost done!
Don't forget your humble caption.
Pain is gain, and here's a taste.
Diet's working! Happy face!
Now share to Facebook, Instagram,
Tweet it, Tumble, email, spam!
Like it first, make sure you tag
all your friends like a real douchebag!
Congratulations, you just completed the warm up.
YOLO swag!
You're officially a douche online, but that's nothing, folks.
A true douchebag is a douche everywhere.
Especially in person!
Beginners, take your time! You're not gonna become Kanye overnight.
Just follow this program once a day, everyday, and you'll be set.
Here we go!
Wake up in your Louis V. jammies,
brush your teeth, take a bathroom selfie!
Skinny ripped jeans, aviators indoors,
super deep v-neck with chains galore!
Now slick your hair, shoot a fake freethrow.
Stroke your brows and flick your nose!
Take your car, roll down the windows,
turn up the bass, pump up the stereo!
Now force yourself into that lane.
Cut off one car, and the other tailgate.
Flip him off as you slow down.
Don't signal til' you turn right now!
Take your time, even though you're late,
'cause you can always use your grandma's handicapped space.
Now back to work, check your comments down under.
Accountant trying to count, you should yell out random numbers.
Keep looking busy by playing Counter Strike,
but only friendly fire team kill till night!
Now hit the gym, do a curl before you go
to the bar to hit on girls with your bros.
Prove you're tough by taking shot after shot.
Start a fight for no reason, get rocked, and then dropped.
Wake up with a headache on a hospital bed,
Then decide to sue the guy who put a dent inside your head.
Now take a pic of the money you've got.
Say how you started from the bottom, now you're on top.
You're officially a douchebag. Congratulations, my friend.
Now it's time to sleep, wake up and do it again!
And just like that, you're officially a douchebag.
Hashtag #KilledIt!
- See, it wasn't that hard. - That's what she said.
Just follow this workout once a day, every day,
and before you know it, you could be just like
some of our satisfied customers, such as:
Kanye West, John Mayer, Ashton Kutcher, The Biebs post puberty,
every guy not wearing a shirt in their profile pictures,
Larry from Spongebob, the ShamWow Guy, the Sham-Woohoo Guy,
and anyone who answers, "Yeah" by saying,
"Uh, j'yeah."
The list goes on and on!
Hell j'yeah!
And that was just one of the workouts. For the easy price of $69.69,
you'll receive the complete Douchebag Workout DVD,
which includes bonus douchebag features, such as:
The 'How to take up two stalls' workout,
the 'Saying "Borrow" when you really mean "Keep" sing-a-long',
the 'How to eat from both fries on your way home tutorial'
and it even comes with a whole list of douchebag activities
for you to do with your friends, such as:
The infamous leg tripping game,
the ever-so-popular knee buckler,
the classic nut shot,
and even this thing!
(popping noise)
But that's not all!
- For an additional $69.69-- - That's what she said--
you can get the douchebag workout SWAG EDITION!
It comes with a gold trim DVD case for FREE!
But wait, order now and you'll receive this PROTEIN POWDER SHAKER
that you can carry around everywhere so that people know that you work out!
But hold on!
If you order now, we'll also throw in your very own SWAG GLASSES!
Made with 100% real CUBIC ZIRCONIA--
Butt hole!
You order now, you'll also receive 50 WIFE BEATERS,
the size CHILDRENS SMALL,
so that your mother only has to do your laundry TWICE A MONTH!
So what are you waiting for? Order now before it's too la--
This offer is no longer valid because you waited too long.
TEEHEE