IT'S NO SECRET THAT I'M
FASCINATED BY GWYNYTH PALTROW.
NOT AS FASCINATED AS SHE IS, BUT STILL.
PRETTY FASCINATED.
I ESPECIALLY LOVE HER LIFESTYLE WEBSITE GOOP, YOUR NUMBER ONE
SOURCE FOR $5,000 JUICERS.
AND THIS WEEK WAS HUGE FOR GOOP HEADS LIKE ME BECAUSE GOOP JUST
CAME OUT WITH ITS FIRST ANNUAL SEX ISSUE, FEATURING CURATED
EROTIC MERCHANDISE FOR YOUR BEST LIFE, INCLUDING SEX TOYS.
(LAUGHTER) FINALLY A PLACE TO FIND SEX TOYS
ON THE INTERNET!
(LAUGHTER) THE ISSUE WAS LOADED WITH
SENSUAL MERCHANDISE GUARANTEED TO SHOCK YOUR PRUDISH AUNT.
ESPECIALLY IF SHE'S ALSO YOUR ACCOUNTANT.
FOR INSTANCE, GOOP RECOMMENDED THIS SEX WHIP THAT SELLS FOR
$535.
BECAUSE, IF YOU'RE WILLING TO PAY $535 FOR A WHIP, YOU'RE
CLEARLY INTO PUNISHING YOURSELF.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
THAT'S A FINE JOKE, BUT IT DOES IMPLY I KNOW WHAT THE MARKET
RATE FOR A WHIP IS.
(LAUGHTER) I DON'T KNOW.
THEY ALSO SELL THIS $15,000 GOLD PLATED -- LET'S SAY, "EXCLUSIVE
MASSAGER."
(LAUGHTER) YES, I WANT TO ASSURE EVERYONE
THAT IT IS BLURRED.
YOU ARE NOT GOING BLIND FROM USING YOUR EXCLUSIVE MASSAGER.
(APPLAUSE) I WISH -- I DON'T KNOW HOW -- I
DON'T KNOW HOW TO CONVEY TO YOU HOW MUCH TIME AND HOW MUCH
EFFORT WENT INTO FIGURING OUT WHETHER WE COULD SHOW THIS TO
YOU NOT BLURRED, OR IF WE DID BLUR IT, HOW MUCH WE HAD TO BLUR
IT, AND I ALSO -- WHAT I COULD CALL IT BEFORE WE SHOWED IT TO
YOU.
FOR INSTANCE, I COULD SAY PARTS TO HAVE THE WORD THAT IT IS.
FOR INSTANCE, I COULD SAY THE WORD "DILL PICKLE."
(LAUGHTER) AND I COULD SAY DOE, A DEER, A
FEMALE DEER.
(LAUGHTER) BUT IF I, UH, IF I TRIED TO ADD
THAT PICKLE TO THE DEER -- CAN'T DO THAT.
LET'S JUST SAY IT RHYMES WITH THE WORD BILBO.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND IT'S THE WORD (BLEEP).
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) GOING TO BE TOTALLY (BLEEP)ED,
RIGHT?
TOTALLY BLEEPED.
YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT I SAID.
I HAVE TO SAY, A GOLD SEX TOY IS A GREAT GIFT.
IT'S THE PERFECT WAY TO LET YOUR LOVER KNOW: "I AM A RUSSIAN
OLIGARCH."
ALTHOUGH IF $15,000 IS A LITTLE STEEP, FOR AROUND $8,000, THEY
ALSO OFFER A SILVER EXCLUSIVE MASSAGER.
AGAIN, IT'S BLURRED.
SILVER, OF COURSE, FOR WHEN YOU FINISH SECOND.
(LAUGHTER) THAT LOOKS LIKE NOTHING!
THAT LOOKS LIKE NOTHING!
THAT IS LIKE A TOPOGRAPHICKICLE MAP OF NEW ZEALAND!
(LAUGHTER) WHAT IS THAT?
THAT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK SILVER.
ANYWAY, IT IS IN THERE.
NOW KEEP IN MIND THAT SILVER TARNISHES, SO YOU'RE GOING TO
NEED TO POLISH IT.
A LOT.
(LAUGHTER) AND REMEMBER IF YOU'RE AT A
FORMAL ORGY, THE SILVER MASSAGER GOES ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE
PLATE.
BUT WARNING: DO NOT USE IF YOU'RE A WEREWOLF.
(LAUGHTER) THE LATEST GOOP ISSUE ALSO TAKES
YOU INSIDE L.A.'S EROTIC THEATER "SNCTM."
YES, SNCTM.
YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHERE THEY PUT THE VOWELS.
SNCTM IS AN EYES WIDE SHUT-LIKE MONTHLY MASQUERADE IN AN
L.A.-AREA MANSION THAT WARNS, "WHILE WOMEN CAN BUY A TICKET,
MEN CANNOT ATTEND UNLESS THEY'RE MEMBERS, PART OF A COUPLE, OR
RESERVE DINNER."
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU MAY ONLY ENTER IF YOU'VE MADE RESERVATIONS, WHICH MEANS
THIS SEX CLUB IS AS EXCLUSIVE AS A PONDEROSA.
BUT GOOP ISN'T THE ONLY LIFESTYLE BRAND FEELING SEXY
THIS SUMMER.
I'M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT MY LIFESTYLE BRAND COVETTON HOUSE
IS CELEBRATING OUR SEXUAL AWAKENING WITH COVETTON AFTER
DARK.
♪ ♪
♪ COVETTEN HOUSE...
AFTER DARK ♪ OF COURSE, LUXURY PERSONAL
MASSAGERS ARE ALL THE RAGE.
COVETTON TAKES IT ONE STEP FURTHER WITH OUR GOLD-PLATED
PERSONAL MASSEUR.
(LAUGHTER) DIDN'T HAVE TO BLUR IT FOR SOME
REASON.
IT'S LIKE HAVING SEX WITH C3PO.
(LAUGHTER) AND WHY NOT COMBINE DINNER AND
DESSERT INTO ONE SEXUAL EXPERIENCE WITH THE MEATBALL
GAG, FEATURING GRASS-FED BEEF AND ORGANIC MARINARA.
ONE BITE AND YOU'LL BE SAYING...
SOMETHING, I WON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
AGAIN, DIDN'T HAVE TO BLUR IT FOR SOME REASON.
FOR THE ECO-FRIENDLY SEX-THUSIASTS, COVETTON IS PROUD
TO OFFER AN ARTISANAL RECLAIMED WOODEN SEX TOY MADE FROM THE
SIDE OF A BARN.
YOU'LL SCREAM-- FROM EITHER PLEASURE OR SPLINTERS.
EITHER WAY, YOU'RE GETTING WOOD.
SO GET COVETTON'S 2016 SEX LINE OR SUFFER THE EMBARRASSMENT OF
HAVING LAST-YEAR'S ORGASMS.