- [Narrator] This video is sponsored by NordVPN.
More on them at the end of the sketch.
- Wow. Look who showed up.
Haven't heard from you in a while.
- Well, yeah, it's been a wild couple months
but I did just have a baby, so I feel like I have an excuse.
- Wow. You look good.
- Well, thank you.
You sound surprised.
- I just thought you'd look a little less put together,
little more haggard.
- Well, this is the first time I'm wearing pants
with a zipper and I'm not covered in poop or vomit.
So, it is an occasion.
- Great.
- Yeah, yeah, it's glamorous.
- Well, this is awkward.
- It is it?
- Let it begin.
- Let what begin?
- What do we even talk about?
- Ah, anything.
- We're on different pages, Lisa.
- I don't think we are.
- Guess we gotta talk about the baby.
- Or we can talk about other things.
- No, it's not socially acceptable.
So we'll talk about the baby.
Is it sleeping through the night?
And how much does he eat?
Poop consistency, blah, blah, blah.
- Yes, those are all things I have an opinion on.
- Ah, does it look more like the dad?
Does it look more like you?
Reality check, it looks like baby Yoda
and it's kind of gross
to be honest. - Okay, well, yeah,
it has been a pretty all consuming portion of my life
for the last little while.
So yeah, I have a lot to say about it.
I would like to talk about it.
You know, you were like that when you were dating Ryan, so.
- That was totally different.
- How was that different?
All you talked about was how you weren't gonna text him
because he didn't respect you,
and then he'd post a cute photo and then you'd text him
and then we'd be back at square one for like a year.
- I remember it going very differently.
- And excuse me, but I just pushed out
a massive human flesh potato from my vagina, okay?
I feel like I deserve
to talk about that. - I never said
you couldn't talk about it.
It's just all you're gonna wanna talk about.
It's the wedge between us.
- How is that a wedge?
That's how conversations go?
You say a little bit about your life,
I say a little bit about my life.
- Okay, you're coming at me pretty aggressively
and that just proves whose side you're on, the baby's, so.
- Okay, why don't you just meet him?
He's sleeping right now.
I'll go get him, you can hold him.
- No, I'm not good with kids.
- Just try.
- Fine.
- [Lisa] Okay, just get you set up there.
Yeah, hold the head.
- Okay.
- There you go.
- So hot, like a hot Christmas ham.
- Yeah.
- He's got little fingers.
- Well, he is a small human.
- It's like they're cute because they're miniature,
but they're also unsettling.
(baby gurgles)
I wanna squeeze him.
- I know.
- Why do I wanna squeeze him?
- I don't know, it doesn't make sense.
Smell him.
- What?
- Just smell him, trust me.
(deep inhale) (baby gurgling)
- Oh, what is that?
- Baby smell.
- Oh my God, that's intoxicating.
- I know.
- I want one.
- I know.
- I want one so bad.
What's happening?
- I know.
- It's gonna ruin my life.
- I know.
- I'll lose my whole identity.
- Well, not necessarily.
- My nipples are gonna be fucked.
- That is true.
- Oh, what is happening?
- I don't know, it's a biological thing, I guess.
- I don't have the financial resources for this
but I need one.
- It's a rigged game.
- Ah! Oh shit, what have you done?
- The world is cruel and unusual.
Okay. Hand him back.
We can talk about something else.
- He kinda has my eyes.
I think he looks like me a little bit.
- That's impossible. - It looks like
his little arms are made of marshmallows.
He's so fat and tiny.
Just nothing behind the eyes.
- Okay then.
- He's a little fat, tiny, dumb-dumb.
I'm gonna love you so hard,
little dumb-dumb. - Had good weather.
No? Okay.
(baby poops)
- I think he pooped, you can take him.
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If they were in a superhero movie, they'd be the good guy.
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