From teddy bear protestors to naming your kid Hercules, we look at 8 ridiculous things
banned by governments.
8.
Toy protests • In Mother Russia, they don’t want to
ban their citizens from protesting.
But teddy bears and Barbie’s having their say is completely out of the question.
• In 2012, Russia brought in a law that all protests needed to be pre-approved by
the government.
This meant that if you wanted to say “Our politicians are a bunch of dicks” the government
would just deny your request and possibly send you to the gulag.
So the public responded by lining the pavement with teddy bears and Lego men holding banners
making all the complaints citizens weren’t allowed to.
• So like any rational government, they banned toys from holding protests.
What grounds would they have to enforce such a ban?
In Soviet Russia, toys can’t say “Down with Putin” because they aren’t real citizens.
Good thinking guys.
7.
Scrabble • Nobody likes to be reminded that they
suck at Scrabble.
But nothing says sore loser like banning the game all together.
• Back in the 80s, the Romanian president did just that.
He said that Scrabble was “too intellectual” because being able to spell is surely tantamount
to treason.
Romania was set on being number one for illiteracy and preferred their populace to play games
that made you too tired to think too hard or plot a revolution.
• Thankfully, the ban was eventually lifted but it became a gateway game and a heap of
Romanians got really into Monopoly shortly after.
Scrabble; not even once.
6.
Camouflage clothing • On the beautiful island of Barbados, wearing
camouflage is a big no-no.
• Other than bringing the law in because camo pants are hideous, it was also brought
it to prevent people impersonating military officers.
Apparently a bunch of people were committing crimes while dressed in camo gear because
people were much less likely to question you.
“Oh what, that dude’s stealing a car!
Oh no wait, he’s in the army, must be on official business.”
• However, I maintain that they’re terrified camouflage material will develop to a point
where it’s more like a Harry Potter invisibility cloak.
Then robbing banks would be easy peasy.
Too bad Harry Potter didn’t go that route, would’ve made for a much more interesting
franchise.
5.
Reincarnation • In China, you better not be planning on
getting reincarnated without supplying the proper paperwork.
• This ban was an attempt to pull rank on those rebel Tibetan monks and force them to
recognize Chinese government as the boss of them.
But if someone doesn’t see you as their boss, I doubt demanding paperwork from them
is gonna make them take you more seriously.
• If a toddler demanded my tax return, does that mean I respect their authority?
And how exactly do you enforce a law like that?
They’ll probably just drool on it, forget where they left it and go back to watching
Yo Gabba Gabba.
Damn unreliable infants. 4.
Western Haircuts • One ban that’s still in place is Iran’s
hectic law against decadent Western hair-dos.
• Among the list of hair-dos you do not do in Iran include; spikey hair, ponytails
and mullets.
In the approved government guide men are now allowed 80s-style fringes and the Elvis quiff
has made a come-back.
News of this got people all shook up.
But despite saying they don’t like our decadent Western dos, Iran doesn’t hate the West;
they’re just trying to go back in time!
• Back to simpler times, when Pluto was still a planet and Elvis’s pelvis was the
height of controversy.
Look, ban the ponytail, shun the man-bun, if you will but not the mullet.
You can take out lives but you can’t take our mullets!
3.
Chewing Gum • What happens when your prime minister
happens to be a bit on the anal retentive side?
Cleanliness becomes the top order of business, which is why Singapore banned chewing gum.
• That’s right, there’s no Big Red or Juicy Fruit for those tidy mother-flippers.
The ban started back in ’92, because of how much of a hassle it is to clean up.
Which, if you’ve ever experienced the fury of stepping on someone else’s gum, you probably
understand.
• Nowadays, Singaporeans can score some gum from a pharmacist for medicinal use.
Yeah right, medicinal.
As if teenagers aren’t sitting around passing a packet of Extra around the room stolen from
a Dad’s wardrobe.
“Jimmy…your breath…it’s so minty fresh.
Where did you learn about this?”
“I learned it from you Dad, I learned it from you!”
2.
Lots of Kids Names • In Denmark, the government assume you’re
going to ruin your kid.
So you’re not allowed to name your child anything outlandish.
• The law is you have to choose from the approved names list.
So if you were hoping to name your kid Khaleesi, you’re shit out of luck, unless you can
get government approval.
Which can be tricky.
The law has been in place for more than a century to prevent people from changing their
first and last names to whatever they damn please.
• Nowadays the Danes maintain they’re trying to stop stupid parents from giving
their offspring stupid names.
Way to remind children they’re not a special individual snowflake than by forcing them
to have the exact same name as 100,000 other kids.
“Oh your name is William, so ist mine!
We shall fight to the death.
There can be only oneeee!”
1.
Time Travel • China recently banned depictions of time
travel in works in television and film.
• Apparently they don’t want their citizens to be thinking about anything in their history,
or what their future might entail.
Which makes sense really when you’re trying to control your populace.
“Who wants to think about the future?
Here I’ll tell you your future, for the next hour you’ll be assembling this iPhone,
now get back to work!”
• This means no ‘Back to the Future’, no ‘Doctor Who’, no ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’.
How do you even live without Marty and the creepy incest between him and his Mom?!
What happened to you China, you used to be cool.