- What do you mean you found someone
more exciting than me?
Who's more exciting than me?
What do I gotta do to win you back, huh?
Rob a bank?
Blow up a fireworks display?
Do a back flip out the window?
'Cause I'll do all three right now.
Jimmy bought a house?
Give me the address, I gotta look this up.
It's gotta be a piece of crap, right?
Actually, it's pretty expensive...
and in a nice area.
Ah, but it's painted beige.
Which I don't like, therefore it sucks!
Jimmy!
Nice computer paper you have here.
- [Ominous Voice] Look at that bright white coloring.
The tasteful thinness of it.
Oh my gosh...
It even has a watermark.
- Dude, your singer-songwriter career
has really taken off.
I couldn't believe how many followers
you have on Spotify.
I'm sure you've had to compromise
your artistic integrity along the way
to appease your corporate overlords
who now own a part of your soul.
But dude...
You've made it!
Let's see, Sally posted this morning,
"Had a whole pizza and a pint of Ben and Jerry's
by myself for the third time this week.
#HighMetabolism."
Okay,
we get it baby girl,
you can eat whatever you want and don't have to
starve yourself to fit your booty in these skinny jeans
like the rest of us do.
#ThisTheWayGodMadeMe
Oh hey Bob, my wife told me you said hi yesterday.
By the way, if you're ever interested,
let me know and I can show you my shotgun collection.
Oh hey Jenny, congratulations on winning
employee of the month.
I didn't need to win it for twelve months in a row
and set a new company record anyway.
Besides, I've been getting a little sore
from putting the team on my back.
Oh, you got Aunt Hilda to help you?
I don't know why you'd get the help of a geriatric
who can't raise her arms above her head
instead of just waiting for me,
but all right.
I'm sure she appreciated it.
Ugh, another save the date for another wedding?
Ugh, always the bridesmaid, never the bride,
am I right?
(laughs)
Just kidding.
(somber music)
Found out that my college roommate just earned his PhD.
The guy's dumb as a box of rocks.
The only reason he got better grades than me
is because he played the teachers' games.
Not me!
If a professor says something stupid,
I'm calling him out.
I couldn't help but notice you got the fastest processor
the best GPU, and the maximum amount of RAM
on your computer.
That's great, I guess,
if you want excellent performance with no lag.
Psh!
Why'd you pick this Timothy guy to lead the project
instead of me?
Who the flip is Timothy anyway?
Wait, you don't mean...
You chose HIM?
Well, well, well, looks like my friends are out at the bar
without me
having fun and posting about it on Instagram.
We'll see who's having a more fun evening
when I post stories about me by myself
cleaning up my house
cuz I can't find my wallet anywhere.
I just saw my boss's paystub,
and what the frick, man?
So many zeros in the salary for a guy
who doesn't even know how to share a Google Doc,
and hits reply-all for every single email.
I'm shook.
Wikipedia says my favorite author published
his first novel when he was...
twenty eight.
And won a Pulitzer by the time he was thirty...
(ominous underscore)
Ah, a friend request from Brian Liggins?!
I haven't talked to this guy in years.
This is awesome, I love Brian, we go way back.
Let me see how he's doing.
Oh wow, he's married, he's got three kids.
Aw, they're cute.
He's got a dog.
He owns a house.
Got a pretty nice car.
He posted his salary on here,
I don't know why you'd do that...
And a status update saying,
"Just paid off my student loans!
Not stressed about anything."
I hate Brian Liggins.
- [Narrator] If you wanna own some of
these cool designs to wear on your own body,
the link is in the description.
You can be repping your favorite YouTube channel,
which is this one.
What is going on with my hands?
Pay stub, and what--
I got something in my eye.
Jimmy!
(laughs)
I'll show you my F22 collection (laughs)
so I can strafe you.
(laughs)
I need to lie down.