MY NEXT GUEST IS A STANDUP COMEDIAN WHO CREATED AND STARS
IN HBO'S CRASHING.
>> I WOULD LOVE IT, I COULD USE SOME HELP, OBVIOUSLY.
I WORK IN AN ICE CREAM SHOP.
I JUST ACTUALLY HEARD SOME OF THE GUYS WERE TALKING ABOUT
COLBERT IS LOOKING FOR WRITERS F WE COULD SUBMIT I WOULD LOVE TO
SUBMIT A SMITIONS.
>> YEAH, WE CAN SUBMIT.
>> YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS?
>> NO, BUT I'M GOOD AT GUESSING EMAILS, YOU KNOW, YOU JUST KIND
OF WATCH THE CREDITS, TAKE A CRACK AT IT, STEPHEN
COLBERT@COLBERT.COM, YOU KNOW, LOOK WHO THE PRODUCER IS AT
COLBERT.COM, TRY THE GMAILS,IA HUAIS, YOU GO BACK TO HOTMAIL
SOMETIMES IF WE NEED TO.
SOMETIMES THEY JUST HAVE A.ME.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME PETE HOLMES.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: HEY, GOOD TO SEE I GEFN.
>> ARE YOU WORRIED?
>> Stephen: WHAT.
>> THAT WE JUST LEAKED YOUR EMAIL?
>> Stephen: NOT AT ALL.
WHY WOULD I HAVE AN EMAIL THAT EASY TO FIND.
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE YOU JUST-- YOU HAD GOT
ENGAGED.
>> GOT ENGAGED, THAT IS WHAT IT IS.
>> Stephen: IN A WAY THAT WAS BOTH INTERESTING, EXCITING AND
TERRIFYING, RIGHT, HOT AIR BALLOON.
>> HOT AIR BALLOON.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I LOOKED TO YOU, HOT AIR BALLOON.
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
YEAH, AND NOW I'M MARRIED.
LOOK, I'M A MARRIED PERSON.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THAT'S WHY I HAVE A SUIT.
>> Stephen: OH, REALLY.
>> THIS IS THE SUIT I GOT MARRIED IN.
>> Stephen: REALLY.
>> TWO MONTHS AGO.
STILL FITS.
>> Stephen: I AM A BIG FAN OF BEING MARRIED.
HOW IT IS WORKING OUT NOW.
>> IT DOES FEEL DIFFERENT WE ARE LET URGE KAL CREATURES, I THINK
YOU CAN APPRECIATE THAT.
>> Stephen: WAS IT A TRADITIONAL WEDDING?
YOU ARE A COMEDIAN S YOUR WIFE A COMEDIAN?
>> MY WIFE IS NOT A COMEDIAN.
I WILL SAY A LOT OF MY COMEDIAN FRIENDS ARE ANTI-MARRIAGE.
I AM GLAD TO KNOW YOU WERE PROMARRIAGE.
>> Stephen: I WAS THE FIRST OF MY COMEDIC FRIENDS TO GET
MARRIED IT WAS JUST NOT DONE, MAN.
>> YEAH, WE'RE LIKE CARNEYS.
>> Stephen: A.
>> A LOT OF MY FRIENDS THAT ARE ANTI-MARRIAGE ARE PROTATTOO.
YES.
ANTICIPATING WHERE THE JOKE IS GOING, THAT IS WHAT I WANT.
THEY ARE PROTEST-- I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN MAKE A COMMITMENT LIKE THAT.
(LAUGHTER) I'M LIKE YOU HAVE THE WORD SUB
LIME ON YOUR NECK IN OLD ENGLISH.
EVERY JOB INTERVIEW YOU GO TO THAT WILL BE STAIRING THEM IN
THEIR FACE, THEY'RE GOING TO BE THINKING OH-- FOREVER, THE WORST
SUB SZ LIME SONG.
>> Stephen: SO COMEDY FRIENDS, COMEDY TOASTS?
BECAUSE THOSE CAN BE HAZARDOUS?
>> YEAH.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
WE HAD SOME GOOD TOASTS, JOHN MELANY, FRIEND OF THIS VER
PROGRAM.
>> Stephen: LOVELY FELLOW.
>> GAVE A LOVELY TOASES AND SOME OF THE AMATEURS DID TOASTS WHICH
IS-- A MEAN THING THO SAY ABOUT MY COLLEGE ROOMMATE.
HE WAS GREAT.
BUT MY MOTHER HAD HAD A FEW SLIPPERY AMERICAN COCKTAILS AND
THIS IS TRUE.
SHE HECKELLED AT MY WEDDING.
SHE HECKLED THE PEOPLE GIVING TOASTS?
>> Stephen: YES.
>> SO MY ROOMMATE IS UP THERE, I HAVE KNOWN PETE FOR-- YOU DON'T
SAY PETE, YOU ALWAYS SAY THIS GUY.
I'VE KNOWN THIS GI AND MY MOM IS IN THE BACK GOING SIT DOWN,
YOU'RE RUINING IT.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: I LIKE YOUR MOM.
>> YES, YOU HAVE MY MOM ON.
>> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOUR MOM ON.
>> IRENEA.
>> Stephen: SHE WOULD BE GREAT.
NEXT TIME YOU COME ARE YOU BOOKED.
>> YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE TO RU ERCK THE DAY BECAUSE SHE IS
GOING TO NORTHBOUND THE FRONT ROW RUINING MY MOLOGUE.
SIT DOWN YOU'RE RUINING IT.
GIVE THE PRESIDENT A CHANCE!
(LAUGHTER) NO, NO-- SHE IS NOT A MONSTER.
(LAUGHTER) >> SHE HAS HER LIMITS.
I WAS EXCITED TO DO MY ONE POLITICAL JOKE, I ONLY HAVE ONE
POLITICAL JOKE.
>> Stephen: PLEASE.
>> CAN I TELL IT TO YOU.
I THINK MIKE PENCE LOOKS LIKE THE CLEAR GUMI BEAR, IS THAT-- I
THINK THAT'S WHY HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE ALONE IN A ROOM WITH A
WOMAN.
TOO DELICIOUS.
THAT'S IT.
THAT IS WHY I DON'T DO POLITICAL STUFF.
>> Stephen: SO MARRIAGE FOR TWO MONTHS.
>> TWO MONTHS NOW.
>> Stephen: ARE THE FAMILY MEMBERS STARTING TO SAY LIKE HOW
ABOUT THE KIDS WHAT DO WE HAVE KIDS?
>> YEAH, WE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE KIDS.
>> Stephen: YEAH?
>> IT'S A MAGICAL THING, SEX, I MEAN.
SORRY, IT IS KIND OF A CRAZY THING, WE'RE HAVING SEX.
NOW WITH A PURPOSE, WE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A LITTLE BABY.
I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE CAN RELATE TO THIS.
NOT SEX, I HOPE YOU CAN RELATE TO SEX.
I KNOW EVERYONE ONCE IN A WHILE YOU MEET A PERSON WHO PICKED AS
THEIR PERSONALITY, I HATE KIDS.
>> Stephen: OH YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT T I'M NOT INTEREST REALLY
AN INTERESTING PERSON, SO,-- HATE KIDS AND THEY THINK
THAT MAKES THEM INTERESTING.
I AM LIKE YOU CAN'T, ARE YOU NOT ALLOWED.
THAT IS US.
IT IS NOT LIKE ANOTHER GROUP.
IT'S NOT LIKE ALIENS INVADED AND INFESTED THE PLANET WITH
CHILDREN, THAT'S JUST SMALLER US.
AND THEY'RE LIKE THEY'RE ANNOYING.
I'M LIKE YEAH, THEY NEED HELP.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE THREE FEET TALL AND THE WORLD
WAS JUST LEGS?
FEED THE KID.
I'M LIKE ARE YOU NOT ALLOWED TO HATE KIDS BUT THEY ALWAYS SAY
YEAH, BUT I WASN'T ANNOYING WHEN I WAS A KID.
I'M LIKE YES, YOU WERE.
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?
YOU ARE ANNOYING NOW.
(LAUGHTER) SO I WANT TO HELP HAVE KIDS.
>> Stephen: GOOD, I'M ALL FOR TRK KIDS ARE GREAT, KIDS ARE
GEAT.
YOUR WIFE, SHE IS NOT A COMEDIAN.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: DOES SHE ENGAGE, DOES SHE LIKE THE SILLY BECAUSE
I'M MARRIED TO A NONCOMEDIAN BUT SHE HAS GOTTEN ON BOARD THE
SILLY TRAIN.
>> IS SHE A SILLY BILLY.
>> Stephen: SHE IS NOW.
NOT AT FIRST AT FIRST SHE IS LIKE WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT.
THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
AND THEN I GOT HER ON BEFORE WE WERE PECULIARIED.
>> MY WIFE IS A VERY SILLY BILLY AND I LOVE THAT.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE A SILLY BILLY, WE LOVE COLBERT
CHRISTMAS, IT IS MAYBE OUR FAVORITE THING.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> YOU GUYS SHOULD BE CHEERING BECAUSE YOU THAT IS THE BEST
CHRISTMAS THING THERE.
IS I LOVE IT, BECAUSE LIKE ARE YOU IS THE RIGHT MIX OF
SENTIMENTAL, CHRISTMASSY AND SILLY.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> VAL AND I ARE VERY SILLY.
SOMETIMES WE DON'T EVEN WATCH TV.
WE JUST PLAY GAMES LIKE WE LIKE TO PLAY A GAME WE MADE UP CALL
SMALLEST SMILE.
>> Stephen: SMALLEST SMILE.
>> SMALLEST SMILE.
I'M NOT PLAYING RIGHT NOWS BECAUSE JUST HEARING YOU SATED
IT RYE NO IS GIVING ME THE BIGGEST SMILE.
>> Stephen: SMALLEST SMILE.
>> IF THE BAND IS PAYING ATTENTION, MAYBE, JOE, COULD YOU
DO LIKE A DRUM ROLL BECAUSE THIS IS HOW WE WILL PLAY, CAN HE WITH
LAY.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> HERE IS HOW IT LOOKS, YOU LOOK DOWN, COME UP WITH A
NEUTRAL FACE AND THEN YOU PRESENT YOUR SMALLEST SMILE.
SO WHEN I LOOK UP WE'LL STOP THE DRUM ROLL AND I WILL PRESENT MY
SMALLEST SMILE.
ARE YOU READY?
>> Stephen: AND CLANG FOR A SMILE.
>> CLANG IS DEALER'S CHOICE.
HERE WE G SMALLEST SMILE.
AM I OUT OF FOCUS.
I DON'T WANT TO-- THIS ISN'T A NUDIE PIQUE ON C CINEMAX.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU IN FOCUS HERE, ARE YOU OUT OF TO US
THERE.
GO, GO AHEAD.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: I LIKE IT.
CAN I TRY?
>> YES, I WANT TO YOU TRY.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
(APPLAUSE) LOVELY TO SEE YOU, I'M GOING TO
START PLAYING WITH THAT WITH I MY WIFE, CRASHING SEASON 2.
PETE HOLMES, EVERYBODY.
UP NEXT A PERFORMANCE BY JACK BLACK.