(slow staccato music)
- Hello? (clanging)
- [Voiceover] Honey, is that you?
I just dropped all the salad.
- Oh no. - [Voiceover] Again.
(slow staccato music)
- I'm sorry we don't have more vegetables.
I know how you like a well-balanced meal.
- It's fine. Don't worry about it.
- Are you okay?
- (sighs) Randy was arrested today.
- [Wife] Randy from work? What happened?
- He murdered his wife.
- Karen? But she was so sweet. Why would he do that?
- That's what I'm trying to figure out.
I've been wondering about it all day.
- I'm sure it was a big misunderstanding.
Maybe it was a suicide. I bet it was a suicide.
- She was shot in back of the head.
The cops dragged him through the
office kicking and screaming.
- Oh. Well, (laughs) it's a good
thing you two weren't that close.
Would've been a bad influence.
- We were very close, Mary. And very similar.
- Randy? With the bow tie and the scrunched up nose--
- He was the only other one in the office
that liked that noodle place on Vine.
We'd send funny articles back and
forth about Russian politics.
He was about to join my fantasy baseball league.
We did all the same things.
- Oh, honey. I didn't realize.
Must be hard to lose a friend.
- He wasn't just my friend.
He was a man that had a lot of similarities
to me, and then he shot his wife.
- So what are you saying?
It's not like you're gonna shoot me.
- I can longer say that with confidence.
- You don't have a killing bone in that skinny body.
- You don't know what I'm capable of.
Randy was voted the most likable guy
in the office two months in a row.
Do you know who was a shoe-in for April? This guy.
- Davis, I know sometimes you have a hard time
separating yourself from other people,
and certain pets, but you have no idea
what was going on in that house, or in his head.
- Exactly! You never know when people are gonna snap! Sorry.
- Okay, only pent-up people snap. You're not pent-up.
- I'm pent up. I never say the things I wanna say.
- Yes you do. You complain all the time.
- No, I never say all the things.
- [Mary] Like what?
- I can't. Wouldn't be polite.
- Fuck polite!
If it's gonna save my life, I'd rather
you bitch me out than slit my throat.
- Do you always need to be so graphic?
- Okay, complaint number one. What else?
- I don't know. You're clumsy.
- [Mary] (laughs) Clumsy?
- Yes, you're clumsy.
You're always dropping things, and then you smile,
and you shrug, and you're like,
"Whoops! Sorry for my butterfingers, they're so adorable!"
- You're mad about the salad.
- No, I'm mad about you being clumsy.
That's another thing.
I say something, and you immediately
add this layer to it that doesn't even exist.
I'm a simple guy.
- I thought your whole point was
that you're not a simple guy.
That you're, in fact, so complicated,
that you're capable of actions that I can't possibly--
- Condescending, high-pitched, and rude--
- [Mary] You've actually voiced a few of these before--
- Why won't you just wax your legs?
You're always talking about how hard it is
to shave your legs, but then when I bring up waxing
or heaven forbid, laser treatment,
you look at me like I have horns growing out of my head.
- Waxing hurts!
- So does cutting your leg every
two days with a razor blade!
- Okay, you know what?
You're not exactly a walk in the park either, okay?
If I suddenly snapped, people wouldn't be too shocked.
- That you're a cold-blooded killer?
- No. That you annoyed me enough to kill you.
"Mary, have you seen my good shorts?
"Mary, did you leave the ironing board on?
"I need to iron my good shorts.
"Mary, take all these vitamins you don't need."
- You said those vitamins are helping you.
- I lied!
Okay, this is ridiculous.
I promise not to shoot you if you won't shoot me.
- Can we even make that sort of a promise?
- Yes, because we're married.
And we took a vow not to shoot each other in the head.
- Randy took that same vow.
- Are you listening to yourself?
If anything, you should be scared of me.
- Why?
- You can't even really know yourself,
let alone another person.
I mean, for all you know, I could be stickin' it
to the handyman as soon as you go to work.
- You leave before me in the morning.
- [Mary] But where do I go?
- Work?
- (laughs) Look, the basis of any marriage is trust.
Trust that you won't lie. Trust that you won't cheat.
Trust that you won't shoot each other in the head
and then chop up the body and bury it in the river.
- I didn't say anything about chopping up the body.
How'd you know that?
- Educated guess.
Davis, if you want to kill me, go ahead. Do it.
- (sighs) That's ridiculous. I don't want to kill you.
Right now.
- Great.
I'm gonna get some salt because my steak is bland
and you're too much of a pussy to complain about it.
(Davis muttering) (clanging)
- [Mary] Oh! Don't shoot!
- What an idiot.