Hello, and welcome to the microwave show! What you see before you shouldn't be tried at home.
Well, it probably could.
Yeah, not a lot happened in this episode, and we weren't that funny, either, so to make it up to you guys, for this episode only, we'll be providing you with a live commentary track in the style of "Mystery Science Theater 3000."
We'll be commentating on our commentating!
Absolutely! So, sit back and enjoy as we microwave a combination padlock.
And we riff all up inside this!
Not everyone can outrun an air bag.
I can!
So, you should leave the dangerous stuff to us, and don't try this at home!
Commentary Jon: Well, that's good advice, chief! Where'd you learn THAT one? Preschool? Dumb[beep]!
Commentary Jory: Hello, and welcome to a [beep]ty episode!
Commentary Jon: (laughs) I like how it says "nose picker"! I mean, I could have labeled YOU as the nose picker, but let's face it- Riley is the expert! You're just the apprentice in that category, really.
Commentary Jory: I don't know. Sometimes, I dig for gold up there!
Commentary Jon: Now, look- right here, Jory's trying to do Emerson math! Carry the 12, and you get 60,000, right?
Commentary Jory: Uh, no, it's $40,000 a year! I got high marks in math, okay? High marks in 7th-grade math.
Commentary Jon: Impressive, impressive! This is our amazing title sequence, which hasn't changed in three months, so...
Commentary Jory: Real original-ness!
Commentary Jon: Props if you didn't skip past it like I always do! Quick poll question: what's your least-favorite episode?
Commentary Jory: (sarcastically) I wonder what he's gonna say?
Commentary Jon: (laughs) "Nobody likes roasted nuts"?
Commentary Jory: "We hide behind this tin foil shield. It's to protect our nuts, because nobody likes roasted nuts!" I beat him!
Commentary Jon: Oh, look- subtle advertisement for UStream TV there! Anybody catch that?
Commentary Jory: UStream, IStream, WeAllStream!
Commentary Jon: Make sure to check out our live show Thursdays at 8!
Commentary Jon: What are we laughing at?! What's so damn funny?!
Commentary Jory: Well, the last joke you said was pretty good.
Commentary Jon: Yeah, but they can't hear me!
Microwave Show Jory: ...And I hope for the rest of my life, this Kenmore microwave named Zelda.
Commentary Jon: Yeah, we didn't name her Zelda. That was a fan who did that. But we ARE nerdy enough to have given her that name, anyway!
Commentary Jon: (sarcastically) Oh, look at this! This is gonna be really exciting! Let's prop it! Oh, 'cause that's gonna make a difference!
Commentary Jory: It could!
Commentary Jon: You put it on its side...
Commentary Jory: It could! You never know! Obviously, nature is gonna come together and provide us with an excellent experiment, because I turned it on its side.
Commentary Jon: Oh, P-H1! Isn't that that virus going through China right now? I wanna get away from that!
Commentary Jory: Uh, no, it's not.
Commentary Jon: Ooh! Look at that! Sparks!
Commentary Jon: This is incredible! It's almost as boring as when we were first there!
Commentary Jon: Wow! Look- there's smoke and there's turning. So, congratulations! You're making dinner!
Commentary Jon: Like, anyone in the world could see that in their own microwave! It's just light, smoke, and turning! It's, like, "Oh, not that exciting!"
Commentary Jory: If I were a barracuda, I would swim right at that!
Commentary Jon: Yeah, you're dumb enough to take a lure!
Microwave Show Jon: If this episode sucks, it's Jory's fault!
Commentary Jon: Yeah, good call there, chief!
Commentary Jory: It's what I do best, you know? Pick experiments that suck! Provide good, wholesome non-entertainment!
Microwave Show Jory: Wouldn't that make it my [beep], but then, you ate it and shat it back out...?
Commentary Jory: I don't even know what they're talking about!
Commentary Jon: Wait, wait- are you saying I eat pieces of [beep] for breakfast?! What's interesting, too, is that we seem to be having a very heated argument here...
Commentary Jory: It's almost like we hate each other!
Commentary Jon: And then, seconds later, we're cool with it! We turn it on and off like a light switch, which, coincidentally, is how boring this episode is! It's like flipping a light switch!
Commentary Jon: Look at this- it's spinning, it's turning... I mean, maybe this qualifies as entertainment for a three-year-old!
Commentary Jory: A carousel, you know?
Commentary Jon: But here on YouTube, you need to have spinning, shining, and fire!
Commentary Jory: And kicks to the balls!
Commentary Jon: Yeah, kicks to the balls work really well!
Commentary Jory: Oh, hey, look! Oh, no... Nothin'...
Commentary Jon: Oh, Riley's mimicking what WOULD have happened if we had chosen something better!
Commentary Jory: We should just always do bottles of gin.
Commentary Jon: (sarcastically) Oh, look out, Riley! Look out, look out!
Commentary Jory: Oh! Maybe... Maybe now? Maybe now?
Commentary Jon: Anticlimactic...
Commentary Jory: He's gonna be sorry he wasn't wearing his glasses!
Commentary Jon: Now, watch- coming up right here is Jory's stupidest move of the night!
Commentary Jory: I wonder how many seconds it takes to get to the center of my finger? 1, 2... OW! Oh! 3!
Commentary Jon: Gee, when are you gonna learn?
Commentary Jory: Imagine that.
Microwave Show Jon: He's, like, "Hmm... This has been in a microwave for five minutes. I wonder if it's hot? Dur!"
Riley: No, but the funny thing is that he held it. He was, like, "Oh, that's hot!"
Commentary Jon: Yeah, no [beep], Sherlock! I mean, what's going through your head? Just tumbleweeds?!
Commentary Jory: Sometimes I chase them!
Commentary Jon: That would explain why you're always tired every day.
Commentary Jory: It's because I've been chasin' me through my mind all day!
Commentary Jon: That's a pick-up line that you just used on yourself!
Commentary Jory: Yeah, pretty much...
Commentary Jon: La-la-la! Your brain is just like an empty field of tumbleweeds!
Commentary Jon: There's the New Hampshire license plate. "Stupid idea"! Not the FIRST stupid idea we've had on the show but definitely one of the stupider ideas. We've had, probably, three or four of those in the show's history.
Commentary Jon: More stuff to skip past- the credit sequence and the all-new logo.
Commentary Jory: And skip ahead! (surprised at bloopers) Oh!
Commentary Jon: Now, for whatever reason, you guys always break out into song when we're filming. This is another one of those horribly off-key renditions of a classic song.
Commentary Jory: That's what we were goin' for. Wait for it... See?
Commentary Jon: Yeah, that's not you, that's Riley! Don't take credit for what the Nose Picker did, alright?
Commentary Jon: And over! Thanks for watching! 'Bye!