IT'S NOT JUST FLEET WEEK, IT'S COLLEGE GRADUATION SEASON.
THE TIME OF THE YEAR WHEN THE HIGHLY EDUCATED THINK TO
THEMSELVES, "WHICH SIDE DOES THE LITTLE TASSELY THING GO?"
UNIVERSITIES EVERYWHERE ARE PREPPING FOR THE BIG DAY: MOWING
THE LAWNS, QUADDING THE QUADS, AND COVERING THE CONFEDERATE
STATUES.
SO FAR, GRADUATES HAVE ALREADY HEARD COMMENCEMENT SPEECHES FROM
CHERYL SANDBERG AT BERKELEY, PRESIDENT OBAMA AT RUTGERS, AND
LIN MANUEL MIRANDA AT THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR THE KIDS AT PENN, TICKETS TO HIS SPEECH ARE
SOLD OUT UNTIL 2018.
BUT THERE'S ONE PERSON THE STUDENTS HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YET.
A PILLAR OF QUIET DIGNITY AND STRENGTH, WHO EVERYONE
ADMIRES -- TONY STARK.
BUT TONY'S NOT REAL.
SO HE ASKED ME TO DO IT.
THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S "THE LATE SHOW'S 2016 COMMENCEMENT
SPEECH."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU.
STUDENTS, THE BAND, DISTINGUISHED MEMBERS OF MY
AUDIENCE.
I HAVE THE HONOR OF ADDRESSING YOU TODAY, TO SHARE THOSE
PRECIOUS PEARLS OF WISDOM I HAVE STOLEN FROM THE SEA OF
EXPERIENCE.
AS YOU GO FORWARD INTO YOUR LIVES AND CAREERS, REMEMBER TO
BE PRO-ACTIVE.
DON'T WAIT FOR THINGS TO HAPPEN.
MAKE THEM HAPPEN.
IF YOU WANT A CERTAIN JOB, GO OUT THERE AND KIDNAP THE PERSON
WHOSE JOB YOU WANT AND ASSUME THEIR IDENTITY.
GET THEIR HAIRCUT.
LEARN THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS' NAMES.
DON'T FORGET THAT YOU CONTROL YOUR DESTINY.
A FULL AND SATISFYING LIFE IS MADE UP OF GOOD CHOICES.
SO CHOOSE TO WIN THE LOTTERY.
YOUR FUTURE IS UNLIMITED.
DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS THAN THE BEST.
UNLESS YOU'RE 26 AND NOT MARRIED AND DON'T HAVE THE CAREER OF
YOUR DREAMS YET.
THEN JUST GO WITH THE FIRST PERSON YOU MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH
AT THE BAR.
IT'S NOT GOING TO GET ANY BETTER -- AND LET'S FACE IT,
YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT CATCH?
COME ON.
AND TAKE IT FROM ME: YOUR HEALTH IS YOUR GREATEST ASSET.
IF YOU HAVE AN OPEN FACE WOUND, DO NOT STICK YOUR HEAD IN AN
AQUARIUM BECAUSE YOU WILL GET AN INFECTION.
I LEARNED THAT ONE THE HARD WAY.
ALSO, THE EASY WAY.
OF COURSE, NONE OF THIS WILL MEAN ANYTHING WITHOUT FRIENDS
AND FAMILY.
NO MATTER HOW BUSY LIFE GETS, ALWAYS STAY IN TOUCH WITH THE
PEOPLE WHO MATTER TO YOU.
AND ALSO METICULOUSLY CATALOGUE THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE WRONGED
YOU -- FOR THEY WILL PAY.
THEY WILL PAY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LET YOUR SPIRIT SOAR!
DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN
YOU'LL GET LAID OFF AND HAVE TO TURN TO ADULT DANCING,
AND YOU DON'T WANT TO WORK THE POLE SELF-CONSCIOUSLY.
IT CUTS DOWN ON THE TIPS.
GET AMAZON PRIME.
TWO-DAY SHIPPING, MOVIES, PHOTO STORAGE.
YOU CAN'T GO WRONG.
REMEMBER THAT IT IS IMPORTANT TO PLAN FOR THE FUTURE.
HAVE YOUR HEAD CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN WHEN YOU'RE STILL YOUNG
AND ATTRACTIVE.
DON'T BE AFRAID TO TAKE RISKS.
FOR EXAMPLE, I'M GOING TO TEAR UP MY SPEECH AND JUST SPEAK OFF
THE CUFF.
SOUP.
FLOOR.
PERSON.
OTHER PART OF FLOOR.
THAT REMINDS ME, ALWAYS BRING A BACKUP COPY OF YOUR SPEECH.
AND FINALLY, IF YOU EVER GET IN A JAM IN YOUR LIFE AND DON'T
KNOW HOW IT'S GOING TO END REMEMBER YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW TO
COMMERCIALS.