- Hey everybody.
Today I'm going to answer the question that many of you
have asked.
And that is, how do I know
if I'm too attached to my therapist.
(electronic music)
Now before we even jump into
how we actually know if we're too attached,
I want to talk about why this happens.
Because it is very common, and I don't want you to think
anything's wrong with you, or this is weird.
There is a real reason why we struggle with attachment
when we're in therapy.
So the reason that we find this happens,
is because when we were growing up,
at some point in our life, at a pivotal moment,
a lot of times it's childhood but not always,
we are seeking connection and support and love
and all of that from a person.
Usually this is a caretaker, like a mother, father,
grandmother, whoever's responsible for
taking care of us when we're little.
And we didn't get what we needed.
And so in a way, while we're developing
and we're growing and we're getting older,
we are kinda like missing a little part.
Like we needed extra support.
Maybe we needed extra cuddles,
extra words of affirmation.
We needed some more, and we didn't get it.
And so we kinda have this little hole.
And many people will walk around in their life
just ignoring that that hole even exists.
Just doing other things, trying to numb out.
That's where eating disorders, self-injury,
all those behaviors kinda come out of,
is like, we're just, we don't want to deal with it
we're like putting it in a closet and closing that closet
and I'm never gonna get into there again,
I'm just going to let it go.
And that's really adaptive.
Actually, give yourself a little pat on the back,
because that's what kep you going,
that's what helped you survive.
And so that's kinda why some of those symptoms
and some of those mental illnesses exist,
is because we had a need that wasn't met,
and we found other ways to kind of distract or numb out,
so we really have to tend to it.
But, here's the big but.
When we get into therapy, we finally encounter someone
who may be able to help us with this.
Maybe, in fact, maybe they can even fill that hole,
that need that we had.
Maybe they can come in and help us heal,
and be the person that was caring and understanding.
And this is why attachment in therapy
can be such a tricky thing.
And it can be something that we really struggle with.
So getting into therapy can kind of open up that closet
that we shut all that time ago.
And all those feelings and needs and wants come out.
And, if a therapist is too dismissive
and doesn't take the time to sort through all the things
and talk with you about it,
be compassionate and understanding,
it could actually do more harm than good.
Essentially making that hole larger, and that need stronger.
And so, it's really important that you communicate
with your therapist, you find a therapist
who is understanding and caring and can meet you there,
because that's when we can start to heal.
That rolls into my next portion which is
how can we stop this from happening.
Okay, so we kinda know why it exists.
How do we stop it from continuing to happen?
Maybe we've had a bunch of failed relationships
or failed therapeutic relationships
and we want to move in to a more healthy place,
so how do we stop it?
I want you to first understand that a therapist's job
is not to fill those needs.
It's not to fill the hole that we have from childhood
or some part of our life.
Our job, as a therapist, I can say that my job
is to listen to you, to be understanding,
caring and compassionate as you feel all those feelings.
I find in my practice the most common things that my
clients experience when we're going through
something like this is grief, number one.
Number two, a lot of anger, because there's so much
hurt there, right?
There were things that we needed.
Someone was there, they're supposed to be caring for us
and they didn't.
In fact, maybe they abused us.
There's so much in there, that the true necessity
and the true role of a therapist is to just listen.
Give you the space.
Be compassionate and understanding as you process through
all the various feelings you may feel.
So what does that mean?
That means in therapy, that the therapist
is going to have to clearly communicate healthy boundaries
and uphold them with you.
And constantly have a dialogue about why they're there,
and why they keep you both safe
and allow you to express all that you feel
while going through all of this,
and they show empathy and understanding.
And to wrap up this video, because the whole question is,
how do we know when we're too attached?
The way that we know is when we find ourselves
wanting to put our therapists in that space.
That space that we needed.
The care, the love.
When we start thinking of them like that parent
that we didn't have or maybe that spouse
that we really wanted.
Romantic feelings can come out of this as well.
When we find ourselves thinking of them in that capacity,
that's how we know we're too attached.
But know that that's completely normal,
and if you do feel that happening,
that's something to communicate with your therapist
because then and only then can they really know
what you're thinking and how you're feeling
about the relationship, and then work to set up
healthy boundaries, so that you can actually have
the space you need to process through
all that's gone on.
Does that make sense?
I hope that makes sense.
Let me know in the comments if you struggle with this,
were there other red flags that I missed
that you noticed, and that's why you brought it up
with your therapist?
Let us know.
And if you're new to my channel,
don't forget to subscribe and turn on your notifications.
I put out two videos a week,
and you don't want to miss them.
And I will see you next time. Bye.