-Thank you very much, everyone. Thank you, thank you.
Welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's what I'm talking about.
Well, guys, today is March 11th,
and that marks a pretty big anniversary around the world.
-One year ago today -- -Exactly one year ago.
-It's been a year. -One year.
-It's been one year. -The nation marks one year
since it's been on lockdown
because of the coronavirus pandemic.
-Yeah, the past year was just like flying United Airlines.
The engine fell off, but somehow we still made it.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it was a year ago today
that we had our last show with a full audience.
Six days later, I did the show from home,
and six days after that, both my kids had agents.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. It's been a year living through the pandemic,
and to mark the occasion, President Biden
delivered his first prime-time address to the nation.
The media has been calling Biden the "healer-in-chief,"
and he's really embracing the role.
The only thing he can't "heel" is a German Shepherd
sprinting at a Secret Service agent.
"Heel boy! Heel!" [ Laughter ]
"Don't worry about it. He'll tire himself out."
[ Laughter ]
Honestly, it was just nice to see a presidential speech
where the teleprompter didn't say, "Ad-lib insane conspiracy."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, I saw there's a new PSA calling on Americans
to get vaccinated, and it features
all the living former presidents, except for Trump.
Watch this.
-This vaccine means hope.
-We've lost enough people and we've suffered enough damage.
-Important for our fellow citizens to get vaccinated.
-Now it's up to you.
-Americans were like, "Wow, no Trump,"
while Trump was like, "Wow, no Martin Sheen."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it feels like Trump's gonna always be the one diva
cast member who won't come back for the reunion.
You know them? [ Laughter ]
Instead of participating in the PSA,
Trump released this statement.
-"I hope everyone remembers when they're getting the COVID-19,
often referred to as the China virus, vaccine,
that if I wasn't president,
you wouldn't be getting that beautiful shot
for five years at best
and probably wouldn't be getting it at all.
I hope everyone remembers."
-Can't stop, won't stop.
[ Laughter ]
I do want to remind him though that for us to remember you,
you have to go away.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's the first step.
Well, guys, baseball season is right around the corner,
and one team just made
a pretty big announcement. Watch this.
-The Texas Rangers will be the first major professional team
in the U.S. to allow full-capacity crowds
since the pandemic began.
The team says that it will allow just over 40,000 fans
at its April 5th home opener at Globe Life Field.
-Well, that should be fun.
"Everyone, please rise, cough on each other
and join us in creating the fourth wave."
[ Laughter ]
I don't know if we're quite ready for an event
where an entire row of people passes $10 one way,
then a beer the other way.
The players are like, "Well, we're not coming, but have fun.
I mean, you guys, that sounds great."
Yeah, Rangers fans are excited to be at a packed ballpark
where they can catch a foul ball, a home run,
or the South African COVID variant.
[ Laughter ]
Here's an update on a big story.
Four days after Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's interview,
Prince William made his first comment to the press.
Watch this.
After hearing that, for the very first time in her life,
the Queen said, "Oy."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, a 7-year-old on a swing was like,
"Better off saying 'no comment.'"
[ Laughter ]
I'm not saying Prince William was desperate,
but eventually he yelled, "Is that Piers Morgan?" and ran.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, last night was the season premiere
of "The Masked Singer,"
and the snail turned out to be someone you might not expect.
Check it out.
-Take it off! Take it off!
-Who is it?
-Uh-oh. -Oh, my gosh!
-What?
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
-What the hell?
-After that, millions of people watching at home were like,
"What am I doing with my life?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"A fake frog come out of a fake snail.
I'm 58 years old."
[ Laughter ] "What am I doing?"
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, appearing on "The Masked Singer"
is another way of saying, "I hope everyone remembers me."