- Where in the world is Superwoman today?
Inside a disco ball, j/k.
New York City.
What up, everyone?
It's ya girl, Superwoman,
and I'm a pretty positive person.
I mean you should know, I love a lot of things.
Humans, hugs, unicorns, fries.
When McDonald's gives me free dipping sauce.
When you click like on my videos.
But there are a handful of things
that I'm not particularly fond of.
Printers.
Traffic.
Air Canada.
But at the top of that list are phone plans.
I swear to God, I got 99 problems
and all of them are because my phone plan sucks.
Straight up, phone plans are evil.
You know why Samara called people
and said, seven days?
Because that's all she could say
without being charged for the full minute.
These people trying to save Emily Rose
because they think she's possessed.
No, cause she's just upset about her phone bill.
My data went over, I'll be bending over
the same way like (computer sounds), two hundred dollars?
What?
Oh, I pulled something, oh!
Here's why I hate phone plans.
You know why I'm single and lonely?
Okay, you might be think, oh because I'm loud,
I'm ratchet, I'm stubborn, okay,
I haven't waxed my upper lip in a while but like nah.
It's because phone plans have given me commitment issues.
Yeah, that's why I'm single.
Let me get this straight, hold up.
You're gonna give me this phone for free
but only if I sign up for this plan?
Like babe, why your love gotta be so conditional?
It's like dating someone that already has three kids.
It's like I want the booty but I don't want that baggage.
If I want this free phone I gotta
sign a three year plan with you?
Do you know how long three years is?
Ain't none of my relationships last three years.
My ex was hella fine.
My ex was hella sexy.
My ex was so good it could win a game
of tic-tac-toe in just one turn.
But we're still not together, okay?
You?
You don't even work in an elevator.
Talking about three years.
What if I become an elevator technician?
What if I get a job in a parking garage?
What if I move into someone's basement?
What if I suddenly decide that I'm passionate
about the well-being of bees?
I can't make that kind of commitment,
okay, so let's just establish a realistic relationship.
I'll text you goodnight
and you can touch my butt sometimes.
Don't be coming up to me no three years.
Make sure you hit 'em with the prenup!
And honestly, honestly, phone plans are so typical, okay.
When you first sign up, you was all impressed.
They treatin' you so right.
Okay, it's like yo, look at all my waived fees
and all my reception, you know I got 3G, 4G.
I got all the Gs.
I got so many Gs that my reception's basically
the entire cast of Straight Out of Compton.
And then once you get out of the honeymoon phase, that's it.
Bam! You open your bill.
What the eff is this 9.99 fee?
Oh, that's our customer loyalty fee.
That's because like all other relationships,
after a while, they're gonna wanna start effing you.
Soon your phone plan gotta beer
belly and a gambling problem.
Soon your phone plan be double tapping
other humans' pictures on Instagram.
Your phone plan be leaving hair all up in the sink.
Now your phone plan gonna ask you
for your Facebook password?
Things change.
And what if my phone breaks,
well let's be real, it will because
I'm irresponsible and I will always
try to take a selfie in a swimming pool.
But now I got this plan with no phone.
So when I call and try to cancel my plan,
you gonna hit me with the cancellation fee?
What are you teaching us about relationships?
What kind of relationship is this?
Imagine if you had a cancellation fee
when you try to break up with someone, okay.
I would've been married at the age of 18,
settled down with kids, okay, just so I can save 39.99.
You know what else I can't stand about phone plans?
The customer service because trying to find
a phone company that has good customer service
is like trying to find a father that is actually
happy at a One Direction concert, okay?
It's unlikely.
You ever have to call your cell phone company
and it's like an event you have to plan for.
Okay, you open at nine.
Okay, I'm gonna call at 9:30,
probably be on hold for like an hour, 10:30,
probably be wrapped up by 11:30.
Hold up, yeah.
Okay, listen, I'm not gonna be able to come into
work tomorrow, yeah I gotta call my cell phone provider.
So then you call them and you're sitting on hold,
sitting on hold and then you get
that little automated message.
You know what I'm talking about, it's like,
hi, thank you for your patience.
We value your business.
Please stay on the line, an agent
will be with you as soon as possible.
Now look, if you value my business,
why the eff am I not speaking to a human,
and instead I got Siri's husband all up on the line
trying to make me feel special?
(laughing)
Siri's husband, oh my God,
even Siri got some booty.
Damn, am I the only single one, damn.
Or you'll get that automated service
that's all like, hi, tell me what you're calling about.
And I'll be like, there's a mistake on my phone
bill and she'll be like, I think you're
calling about adding voicemail.
No, no, no, no, eff you, I don't want that.
I don't want voicemail, there's a mistake on my phone--
Can I just speak to a human, please?
Okay.
I think you're calling about our new family bundle.
And you know what, don't even get me started on that.
I hate when companies use the term bundle
because bundles sound so cute
and it's really hard to say no things.
If someone's ever like, oh, do you want like
a texting, voicemail, data pack, I'm like, eww gross.
But you ask me if I want a texting, voicemail, data bundle,
what the eff, of course I do, that's adorable.
Voicemail bundle, that's adorable.
Okay, that's the type of thing you take a picture of
and carry in your wallet like, hey yeah, yeah.
This is my voicemail bundle on the first day of school.
Yeah, this is my voicemail bundle at soccer practice.
And you know what else annoys me so much
when you're talking about phone plans?
And I know for sure it'll happen in the comments below.
You complain about your phone plan and someone's
gonna be like, why don't you just change it, dude?
My phone plan's awesome.
And I'm gonna stop you right there and be like,
nah, your phone plan also sucks.
I have so many friends that do this.
Like there's always some effer that's like,
yo, my phone plan's the ish because
phone plans these days are like flexing muscles.
Like yo, you ain't got free roaming?
Oh, yo, I got mad free roaming, yo that's right.
I'm with Wax-off Mobile, yo mad free roaming.
And I'm just like, yo, sit yourself down.
You ain't got no free roaming, okay?
Don't come up to me telling me
you got free roaming because you're with
some new company that has one effing tower.
Because if you roam five meters from your house,
you ain't gonna have no reception.
Free roaming, look at your phone right now.
What you got, you got one bar?
You got one bar but you acting
like you own a chocolate factory.
Sit down.
Cause I'm gonna be real with you,
okay, your phone plan sucks.
My phone plan sucks, all the phone plans suck.
It doesn't matter if you pay $500 a month,
you still gonna be walking around like the
Statue of Liberty just trying to find reception.
Honestly, I just want a phone plan
that allows me to be anti-social during long parties.
Is that too much to ask for?
But for real, I want you to stop right now,
comment below and let me know what
your phone plan includes cause I'm genuinely interested.
You guys check out my last video right there,
it's called Why Would This Stress Me Out.
If you're on a phone and addition doesn't work,
I'll put the link in the description.
Also super, super cool, make sure you check out that video.
I go sneaker shopping with Complex during
New York Fashion week and I buy some dope shoes
and spend way more money than I should've,
but go check that out and show it some love.
Also make sure you give this video a big thumbs up
and click subscribe because I make new videos
every Monday and Thursday although sometimes,
like right now, becomes four am
and then it comes like Tuesday.
So it's like Monday-ish, Thursday-ish.
Time zones.
Time zones, right? Right?
It's Monday somewhere, right, or is it, no okay.
It might not be Monday somewhere by you.
One love Superwoman, that is a wrap and zoop!