Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
Why does Robin Williams SUCK in movies?!
I mean, OCCASIONALLY, he'll get a good one, but for the most part, they're pretty bad.
We know he's funny and we know he can act,
so how come he keeps turning out shit after shit after shit?
Maybe it's because he keeps picking movies that downplay his talent as oppose to glorifying them.
Maybe some of these movies just figure:
"Hey, if Robin Williams is in it, somehow it's gonna be funny!"
Ha ha ha ha! NO! You need effort, actual effort!
Because if you don't, you get Flubber.
A remake of the only semi-decent but still imaginative Absent-Minded Professor,
Flubber asked the question: How can we take a creative premise with a weak story and make it...
...even weaker?
I don't know, but heaven above, they succeeded.
So, let's see what the flub went wrong with this crappy-ass remake.
First of all, you'll be shocked to see that one of the writers is the recently-deceased John Hughes.
I don't know what's sadder, the fact that such a great writer is gone
or the fact that he didn't know how to use the name Alan Smithee.
We see our main hero named Philip Brainard, who mistakenly, instead of turning off his alarm clock,
launches a trash can into the air.
THIS...will be the highlight of the film's comedy.
We see him use a breakfast machine that's NEVER been used in a movie before,
except THESE
when he sits down and talks to his latest invention named Weebo,
a flying robot with artificial intelligence
who's main job is to whore out public domain movies and Disney cartoons.
You'd better hurry up, the loan's due at the end of the school year.
Tell me about it.
Hmm, why does that voice sound familiar?
Oh, it's Ariel! Cool, that's why I was thinking of jailbait as well as fishbait.
So it turns out Dr. Brainard is getting married today to the President of the College, Sara Reynolds.
It would all be really romantic if this wasn't his THIRD time attempting it!
I am dead serious, THIRD TIME!!!
Well, in his case, once is justifiable, twice is... understandable, but three times...
Okay, honey, word of advice to ya: If he misses your wedding once, dump him. Twice, kill him. Three times,
GO LORENA BOBBITT ON HIS ASS, BUT FOR GOD'S SAKES, LEARN A FUCKING LESSON!!
Good morning, good afternoon.
But it turns out that Brainard isn't really a noncommittal fuckass.
No, he's just... quirky.
As you'll delightfully see when he talks to his fiancee about getting married.
I was talking about your excitement.
Excitement?
The wedding.
Congratulations!
The wedding! Sara and I, oh, the wedding! Oh, I'm looking forward to it, aren't you, honey?
It's today.
Are you sure?
Let's cross off "Charming and Delightful", so that just leaves us with...
..."Douchebag".
And I want you to promise me on everything between us that you'll be there, okay?
I'd rather die than disappoint you.
Promise?
But he's approached by that ONE guy, who's name you can't remember,
but always recognize because he's the asshole in every movie that he's in.
- What happened between us, Phil? - Well, I just got tired of you stealing my ideas, Wilson.
I won't deny that I hate you for your brilliance. I'm petty, corrupt, and to that end, I have profited from your ideas.
Why are you here?
Well, to be honest, I'm here this weekend to steal your fiancee, and make her my wife.
Wow, that is the most blunt villain ever!
I should really hate what an obvious cardboard cut-out he is,
but to be honest, it's kind of refreshing.
I just LOVE the lack of creativity with him!
It's like he just came out and said:
I'm the antagonist.
I tied your girlfriend to the railroad tracks, put a bomb on a bridge, and ate puppies for dinner.
No reason, I'm just evil.
But before he can go to his wedding,
his latest experiment seems to be making some fast developments.
Behold! There it is! Now it will work!
So, yes, he misses his wedding AGAIN for this scientific breakthrough.
But at least he's doing it for a good cause.
You see, the college is going to close, and unless Brainard can come up with an ingenious invention,
he won't be able to get the money to keep it open.
If I could solve this whole metastable compound business, I could save the college.
A new energy source would be worth a fortune.
But, wait a minute! WHAT ABOUT FUCKING WEEBO?!
A flying robot with the ability to think and create emotions?
Don't you think THAT would be worth a couple BAJILLION DOLLARS?!?!
This is really not an area you're qualified to offer perspective on.
You're an idiot!
So we see his fiancee literally in tears, but at least our professor created another scientific milestone,
that knowing him, he'll probably use for dog food.
Oh, great, he created Slimer.
Oh, this isn't anything! It's just a scientific breakthrough that could change the way we look at life as we know it.
Now where is that useless Weebo?
So he stands proud with his scientific snot, as it turns out that it can actually be very hard to control.
- It's... - It's gone!
How can anything get in your window? It's closed, okay?
LOOK OUT!! IRONY! HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE IRONY!!!
So after his invention kills God-knows-how-many-innocent bystanders,
Brainard finally gets it under wraps.
- Do you know what this is? - Flying... rubber?
It's flying rubber. It's "FLUBBER"!
Oh-ho! Say, I wonder what that woman thing I talk to sometimes is doing right now...
Oh well, FLUBBER!
So he discovers that Flubber only increases in speed rather than decreases the more it bounces.
But those facts don't make very good apology cards.
You missed the wedding. I'm sorry.
Well, audience, do you hate me yet?
I skipped out on my wedding, blew up my basement, and might be having an affair with my flying iPhone.
I'm the perfect hero for Disney. Ho-ho.
So he goes to her office to try to explain what happened.
The castrating iron is in the corner, honey.
For the third time, you left me standing at the alter.
Would you please let me explain.
THIS... is the reason I didn't make it last night.
Flubber! Isn't it remarkable, Sara?
You... broke... my... heart...
So that you could stay home and make some green goo?!
Sara! It's much more than that.
Boy, you gotta give this guy credit!
He skips out on three weddings and yet somehow tries to make it look like she's the one not listening.
It contains a small amount of energy...
and liberates an enormous quantity of energy!
But she ignores the elastic plastic as it turns out one of the main sponsors of the college...
played PRESUMABLY by Joe Biden, is angry because Brainard failed his son at chemistry.
I got thrown off the basketball team. I flunked chemistry.
And yes, that not-quite-Shia LeBeouf is played by Wesley from Star Trek, Wil Wheaton.
I have a science requirement, you moron!
Shut up, Wesley!
So he sends his two goons to persuade Brainard to giving his son a good grade.
But Brainard is too busy testing Flubber to notice them.
Hit the deck!
Ho-ho. Good! Now let me test it on his anvil.
Um, yeah, I think his brains would have painted the house if a bowling ball fell on him from that high.
But who cares? Brainard also figured out how to use Flubber to fly his car!
He uses this new ability to do... creepy things,
like stalk his old girlfriend who's now going out with the obvious villain man.
I can't lose! She's mine.
Okay, not everything results in a prat fall!
Hey, look! A speck of snow!
But we also discover that Brainard isn't the only one with strange, romantic lust.
I believe a woman should love a man for what he is, and not for what she wants him to be.
I don't have much of a smile, but I do have a brain.
It's a human matter, not for computers.
♩ I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know something's starting right now... ♩
So in a... DISTURBINGLY frightening subplot,
it turns out Weebo actually has fallen in love with the professor, and not only that,
has created a holographic human version of herself so that she can physically make out with him.
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Okay, this is fucked up right here!
This is like something out of a psychological sci-fi thriller, not a Robin Williams Disney film!
But that's nothing, look what happens when she takes it just a few steps too far.
Got it.
The cybersex will have to wait,
as he comes up with his next big, ingenious use for the Flubber invention:
Basketball. That's right.
Instead of selling off his invention to some business or scientific research lab,
getting the money to save the college, he tests the effects of Flubber on BASKETBALL.
WHY AREN'T YOU COMMITTED?!
Gee, I wonder if it's going to bounce around, break stuff, and result in someone getting hit?
Like fucking clockwork.
Why don't they just call this movie "Shit Bounces and Nobody Laughs"?
So he gives Flubber-padded shoes to the loser team to try to make them play a lot better.
Look, they're all wearing glasses, so they must be part of the losers, because they're all wearing glasses.
Losers, glasses, losers, glasses. They're one and the same.
But back at the house, Weebo unleashes Flubber as they partake in a colorful yet
completely pointless dance sequence.
Umm, yeah, why don't you go back to making that 3D woman again?
The least you can do is flip us some soft-core porn while the camera's on you.
GOD, this is boring!
Maybe back then, this was really impressive shit, but now,
it just looks like a really bad Superbowl commercial.
And like I said, there's NO point! This doesn't benefit the story in any way possible!
Big Lipped... Oh, GOD, I'm bored.
While that's going on, Brainard watches as the Flubber he secretly slipped onto the players starts paying off.
You know, they have a word for this in basketball. I believe it's called, um... cheating.
JUMP, DALE!
I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I DON'T WANNA DIE!!! WAAAAGGGHHH!!!!
And Dale is dead, everybody! Dale is dead!
This game is officially dedicated to Dale who sacrificed his body literally headfirst to score the winning point!
Dale is dead!
After the game, Brainard still tries to win Sara back,
but thankfully, she still has a fucking brain and decides to leave him in the dust.
So Brainard tells his woes to Weebo in the hopes of finally figuring out what's wrong with him.
The truth is, Weebo, I'm not absent-minded because I'm selfish, crazy, or inconsiderate.
I'm absent-minded because I'm in love with Sara.
Hmmmmmm, nah, you were closer with the crazy, selfish, inconsiderate thing.
So, because the machine that HE programmed somehow knows more about love than he does,
Weebo records what he says and shows it to Sara,
and because the love interests in movies like these are sympathetic dumbasses,
she gives him another shot... you know, because he deserves at least four.
So, he shows her what Flubber can do as they FINALLY get a good idea about what to do with the stuff:
Try selling it! Naw, ya think? I thought dat's just what smart people do'ed!
But unfortunately, Joe Biden finds out about Flubber,
and hires his men to break into Brainard's house and steal it.
But luckily, Weebo is there to fight them off.
KISS ME, BIG BOY!
Gee, maybe if you stopped putting energy into showing pointless film clips
and focused on NOT getting hit with a baseball bat,
you wouldn't have gotten hit with a baseball bat.
Brainard and Sara return home only to find that the Flubber is gone and poor Weebo is destroyed.
Tracking... it's me, Professor Brainard. Focus... Weebo?
Don't grieve, Admiral. It's logical.
I have been, and always shall be... your friend.
Live long... and prosper.
It's alright, it's okay... Weebo... can you hear me?
Oh, hey, um, just an idea here, um...
WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING REBUILD HER?!
I mean, you pretty much created...
LIFE...
Surely you must've kept the notes on how to make another one!
Well, as it turns out, he didn't.
But luckily, Weebo did!
Yeah, I guess she figured his stupidity would do her in at some point,
so she took the time to make a backup of herself on the computer.
Boy, talk about the invention being smarter than the inventor.
Philip, a full and complete design of me is in this file.
I've made a few changes.
I've removed a few of my flaws...
and added a little of you.
So I forget things, care nothing about what's really important,
and try to pass off being an asshole as delightfully quirky. Tee-hee-hee!
So Brainard and Sara go to get the Flubber back from Joe Biden,
only to find one of the masterminds behind the whole scheme.
Ah! The lovebirds.
Oh, yeah, what a shock.
You mean the guy who always plays the villain and even stated in the beginning that he was the villain
and it turns out is really the villain?
Hey, here's a shock too: Ricky Martin is gay!
I was just looking over the formula. Dangerous mix.
This looks like a job for uninspired slapstick!
Damn it! What is with your sense of balance? You fall more than the serial killer from Scream!
Philip, look out!
ASHTRAY!!
This is a big fucking deal!
Wow, so the guy who wrote The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink actually had to write the words:
"He farted Flubber out of his anus".
This is a sad day, people.
So they get Flubber back, sell the stuff to save the college,
and finally, for the FOURTH time, try to get married.
...be husband and wife together.
You may now kiss the...
...video screen.
WWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAATTTTT?!?!?!?!
You mean he STILL couldn't make it to the wedding?!?!?!
THIS GUY IS ASS SCUM!!!!!
I'll meet you at the reception, I'm almost done.
NO! Stop applauding! This isn't charming! This is disturbing!
VERY, VERY DISTURBING!
After FOUR times, he STILL couldn't make it to the alter?
He is a BALL OF SHIT!!!
WHY ARE YOU MARRYING HIM?! NOTHING indicates that he would be a good husband!
Where are you spending your honeymoon: Divorce court?
Imagine if you guys had kids, what would happen then?
Oh-ho, I'm sorry that I drowned little Timmy, but I was really working on this important experiment!
RUN AWAY, WOMAN! RUN AWAY!
Go marry that jerky guy, he at least would show up!
Sure, he's a diabolical villain, but...
HE WOULD FUCKING SHOW UP!!!!!
What a horrible ending! What a horrible movie.
WHAT A FLAT-OUT, HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE!!!
I can't believe how BADLY this movie is written,
and I still can't believe it was written by the late great John Hughes.
NONE of these characters are likable,
and the ones who are are either stupid or have SERIOUS psychological issues.
But, to be fair, maybe it was the other writer.
I mean, there were two writers on this movie, John Hughes and this other guy,
maybe it was the other guy.
I mean, in my opinion, I think it would be very difficult
to find a film that was not only bad,
but WORSE... than this movie that was only written by John Hughes...
Oh, snap.
I'm here this weekend to steal your fiancee, and make her my wife.