- What's up.
Hi, happy to be here.
I am Indigenous.
(audience cheers)
And, you know,
when I tell people that sometimes they're like,
do you have a traditional, like indigenous name,
like Crazy Horse or Sitting Bull or something like that?
And I'm like, no, I don't.
But if I did have one, it would be Chipotle Bathroom Code.
(audience laughs)
That's what I'm giving.
I am gay.
(audience cheers)
Thank you.
Was anybody on OkCupid?
Like back in the day?
(some members of the audience cheer)
Same. (audience laughs)
I had a weird, like when I first moved to New York city,
I was on OkCupid, like quite a bit.
And I had like a lot of anxiety about like online dating
and I had a weird OkCupid strategy,
which is that I would create a profile
and then just like immediately kind of like
be in my head about that.
And then I would not like log in for like four months.
(audience laughs)
And then eventually when I would try to log back in,
I would forget my password.
And I also forgot the password to the Burner email account
that I used to create the profile.
(audience laughs)
So I would just end up making it
an entirely different profile.
And there was a point in my life
where I did have five active profiles
(audience laughs)
on OkCupid
and each one was much more vulnerable than the last one.
(audience laughs)
Like when you make a profile,
you're supposed to answer like fun, flirty questions
about yourself.
One of them is like,
"what's a typical Friday night for you"?
And the first profile I made for that question,
I answered "dancing".
(audience laughs)
You know, I'm fun, whatever.
By the time I got to the fifth profile
for that same question,
I answered
"honestly thinking about my family's history
of mental illness
(audience laughs)
and alcoholism...
I like dancing though.
(audience laughs)
I ended up just getting an 87% match
with one of my other profiles.
(audience laughs)
So, I'm dating myself, which is chill...
I did like graduate to Grindr.
I'm on Grindr now.
(audience cheers)
Thank you.
It's like, am I going to die from a Grindr hookup?
TBD, you know... (audience laughs)
Grindr is dark,
but like something I like about Grindr
are the profile names.
Because like,
I feel like I've encountered like Grindr profile names
that like have like two parts to them.
Like the first part of the name
is like something very personal about the guy
and then the second part is something exclusively
about his dick.
(audience laughs)
Like actual Grindr profile names I've seen are like
Recently Sober Uncut.
(audience laughs)
I'm also seeing like, NYC Transplant Seven Inches.
My Grindr profile name is
Native American Sponsored By Casper Mattress.
(audience laughs and cheers)
I'm no longer like terrified
of dying during a Grindr hookup though.
Like, cause that's kind of like he died doing
what he loved doing.
(audience laughs)
You know, I'm more terrified of like dying,
picking up a bookshelf from somebody that I met
on Craigslist.
(audience laughs)
Like that's way more.
That's also, that's just like more embarrassing, you know?
Mostly because there's nothing
on Craigslist worth dying for.
Like, I don't want people to know
that like my final words where
"the ad said this was new, but this is clearly gently used."
In my like obituary,
just say like he died from autoerotic asphyxiation,
(audience laughs) you know?
But I did recently do the whole like dom/sub thing recently.
(audience cheers)
Thank you.
I was the sub obviously,
like anything to take the project coordinator aspect
out of sex is-
(audience laughs)
- it's major.
The dom was wearing an Apple watch the whole time.
So anytime he like moved,
it would light up and I would check the weather.
I could see like when he got a text
and like he was getting a lot of texts
from somebody named Linda.
And I was like,
if you want to table this whole thing to call Linda back,
I think she really needs to get in touch with you.
And then at one point he did kind of just pause
and was like,
you sound like Michael Barbaro.
(audience laughs)
Like the host of the Daily podcast.
And I was like, yeah,
I understand the assignment is for me to get dominated,
but for you to just like refer to me as a podcast host
feels like a low blow,
(audience laughs) sir.
(audience laughs and cheers)
Cool.
I am trying to take better care of my mental health.
Cause I didn't really like get up on the right foot.
I did do Molly twice within a month of getting vaccinated.
(audience laughs)
And that is kind of like
when you dine in at a fast food restaurant
and you decide to go back for seconds.
(audience laughs)
It's like, it sounds like a good idea,
but it will have severe long-term health effects.
If you've never done Molly,
I like to think of it as like this feeling
of like when you're running late for something,
but then you get there
only to find out you're actually early
because he wrote down the wrong time.
(audience laughs)
But the equal like opposite reaction to that
is 36 hours later your brain is depleted of serotonin
and you feel like shit.
And it was during the second Molly hangover that I had
that I decided to watch the series finale of The Good Place.
(audience laughs)
And if you haven't seen The Good Place,
it's like a comedy about the afterlife
and it has a lot to do with like death and eternity
and I'm watching it like chemically incapable
of experiencing joy.
And I'm like, can we just like reboot Jackass?
Like I just want to watch somebody get kicked,
(audience laughs) you know?
Who consents to it?
And then like shortly after I had that thought,
I did see a trailer for the Jackass reboot.
And I was like, wait, did I manifest that?
And like, if so,
how come I've only been able to manifest that?
You know,
why can't I manifest as a therapist who's in network
and taking new clients?
(audience laughs)
That would be better.
Okay, speaking of drugs,
like the first time I did cocaine,
I like I did it
and then immediately like scurried home
to Google the effects that cocaine has on you.
(audience laughs)
And one of the effects is paranoia
and unreasonable distrust of others.
And as soon as I read that, I was like,
have I been on cocaine my whole life?
(audience laughs)