>> STEPHEN: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
IT'S ONCE AGAIN PRIMARY NIGHT IN AMERICA.
TONIGHT, THE FINAL AND DECISIVE PRIMARY IN CONNECTICUT.
THIS ONE IS FOR ALL THE MARBLES, AND THE CROWN.
THE CROWN MADE OF BRASS RINGS.
SO LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO THE ACTION IN OUR CONTINUING
WALL-TO-WALL COVERAGE: >> "THE LATE SHOW PRESENTS: THE
2020 PARTY PRIMARIES: THE LOCAL ACCESS STREET TO THE ON-RAMP TO
THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
CONNECTICUT, THE NUTMEG STATE, GRATE SOME DEMOCRACY ON
YOUR ELECTORAL NOG" 2020.
( EXPLOSION )
I WILL BE WITH YOU ALL NIGHT-- UNTIL I'M NOT-- FROM THE "LATE
SHOW" WORLD HEADQUARTERS, IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN, WATCHING THE
RESULTS FROM OUR NEIGHBOR TO THE EAST, CONNECTICUT.
"CONNECTICUT," OF COURSE, COMES FROM A MOHEGAN-PEQUOT WORD
MEANING "LAND OF MANY KHAKIS."
AND TONIGHT, WE LEARN WHETHER CONNECTICUT DEMOCRATS-- OR
"CONNECTICRATS" AS THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN CALLED-- WILL CAST
THEIR VOTE FOR FRONTRUNNER JOE BIDEN.
OR WILL AMY KLOBUCHAR SOMEHOW GARNER THE 1,984 DELEGATES SHE
NEEDS TO SECURE THE NOMINATION.
IT IS A LONG SHOT, GIVEN CONNECTICUT ONLY HAS 74
DELEGATES, BUT ONLY TIME AND MATH WILL TELL.
OF COURSE, WE WILL HAVE FULL CBS TEAM COVERAGE OF THIS HISTORIC
PRIMARY ALL NIGHT.
NO DOUBT, MY COLLEAGUE NORAH O'DONNELL WILL BE BREAKING IN TO
REPORT LIVE FROM MANCHESTER, CONNECTICUT-- A.K.A., SILK
CITY-- ONCE HOME TO THE WORLD'S LARGEST SILK MILL, CURRENTLY
HOME TO NO LESS THAN TEN DIFFERENT DUNKIN' DONUTS
LOCATIONS.
NORAH, ARE YOU THERE?
DO WE HAVE NORAH?
I'M TOLD WE HAVE NO NORAH.
DO WE HAVE THE SATELLITE?
IS THE BIRD OVERHEAD?
WE DO NOT HAVE THE BIRD YET.
WE HAVE EVIDENTLY LOST NORAH.
SHE WILL BE MISSED.
SOMETHING TO WATCH FOR IN TONIGHT'S RETURNS IS SOUTHERN
CONNECTICUT, WHERE MANY VOTERS HAVE LOST POWER.
LET'S GO TO THE MOUNTAIN DEW AMPED "HARTFORD COURANT" TOUCH
SCREEN.
JIMMY, LET'S DO THIS THING.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE-- LET'S BRING UP THE MAP.
( LAUGHTER )
>> -- DO I TOUCH WHERE IT SAYS "TOUCH SCREEN."
OR DO-- IS IT-- IS IT-- THIS IS NOT-- I'M BEING TOLD THIS IS NOT
A TOUCH SCREEN, WHICH SEEMS WRONG, SINCE I AM TOUCHING IT.
SOMEONE SHOULD CLEAN THAT NOW, BECAUSE THAT IS A COVID VECTOR
RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I HAVE TOUCHED IT A LOT.
AM I BEING TOLD THAT WE HAVE-- AM I BEING TOLD WE HAVE JOHN
DICKERSON FROM NEW HAVEN?
NO, I'M NOT BEING TOLD THAT.
OR DO WE DON'T HAVE JOHN AND I'M NOT BEING TOLD THAT?
IS THIS NEITHER OR NEITHER?
CAN WE CHECK ON THAT?
LET'S FACT CHECK THAT ONE.
OKAY.
WELL, STICK WITH US FOR RESULTS ALL NIGHT LONG.
WE WILL COVER THIS CONNECTICUT PRIMARY WITH THE SAME BREATHLESS
POLITICAL HORSERACE REPORTING THAT THE MEDIA DID BACK IN
FEBRUARY FOR IOWA, NEW HAMPSHIRE, AND SOUTH CAROLINA.
BECAUSE IF WE DO NOT, IT WOULD MEAN OUR PRIMARY SYSTEM IS
FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN AND SOME PEOPLE'S VOTES ARE ABSOLUTELY
WORTHLESS.
OH, THAT'S-- THAT'S IT?
OH, THEY ARE WORTHLESS?
OKAY, MY MISTAKE.
LET'S GO OVER HERE.
BECAUSE THERE'S SOME BIG NEWS FOR THE DEMOCRATIC TICKET, IN
WHAT MANY CALL THE "VEEP-STAKES," BUT WHAT WE HERE
AT "THE LATE SHOW" CALL "THE VLOTTERY VEEPERBOWL VEEP-TUCKY
DERBVEEP HOT DOG VEEPING CONTEST FOR VEEP PRESIDENT!"
THIS AFTERNOON, JOSEPH R. BIDEN OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCED THAT HIS
RUNNING MATE WILL BE CALIFORNIA SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS, SEEN HERE
REALIZING SHE GETS TO DEBATE MIKE PENCE.
THE ANNOUNCEMENT CAME VIA JOE BIDEN'S OFFICIAL TWITTER.
"I HAVE THE GREAT HONOR TO ANNOUNCE THAT I'VE PICKED KAMALA
HARRIS-- A FEARLESS FIGHTER FOR THE LITTLE GUY, AND ONE OF THE
COUNTRY'S FINEST PUBLIC SERVANTS-- AS MY RUNNING MATE."
( LAUGHTER )
JOE'S CHOICE?
>> THAT LITTLE GIRL WAS ME.
>> STEPHEN: THIS IS AN HISTORIC ANNOUNCEMENT.
BECAUSE HARRIS IS "THE FIRST BLACK WOMAN AND THE FIRST PERSON
OF INDIAN DESCENT TO BE NOMINATED FOR NATIONAL OFFICE BY
A MAJOR PARTY."
SO TRUMP'S GOING TO HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING EXACTLY HOW TO BE
RACIST ABOUT HER.
( AS TRUMP )
BIRTH CERTIFICATES."
BIDEN PROMISED TO PICK A WOMAN.
AND THERE WAS A LOT OF SPECULATION IT WOULD BE A WOMAN
OF COLOR, BUT, STILL, SENATOR HARRIS IS A SURPRISING CHOICE,
CONSIDERING HOW MUCH THEY WENT AFTERNOON HIM OVER BUSING,
RACIAL EQUALITY.
OF SHE HIT HIM SO HARD HE WAS SPITTING TEETH LIKE CHICKLETS ON
THE STAGE.
HE SAID.
>> GO EASY ON ME KID.
>> Stephen: HARRIS IS GOING TO RECEIVE A LOT OF SCRUTINY.
JOE BIDEN HAS A CHRONIC CONDITION DOCTORS CALL OLD.
THE CANDIDATE HIMSELF HAS SAID HE WOULDN'T SEEK REELECTION IF
HIS HEALTH DECLINED, AND CALLED HIMSELF A "TRANSITION
CANDIDATE."
( AS BIDEN )
CANDIDATE, AND NOT JUST 'CAUSE THESE BAD BOYS TURN DARKER IN
THE SUN.
IT'S LIKE MAGIC.
23 SKI DO.
SOLID, JACKSON."
SO THAT'S IT.
BIDEN HAS HIS RUNNING MATE.
NOW THE ONLY QUESTION LEFT TO ANSWER IS HOW WILL THIS AFFECT
THE CONNECTICUT PRIMARY?
NORAH, YOUR THOUGHTS?
SHE'S STILL NOT THERE?
SHE'S DROPPING THE BALL.
SHE'S-- NORAH.
LET ME KNOW IF SHE SHOWS UP.
MEANWHILE, TEMPORARY PRESIDENT TRUMP GAVE AN INTERVIEW TODAY TO
CONSERVATIVE RADIO HOST AND SKELETON DRESSING UP AS A MAN
FOR HALLOWEEN, HUGH HEWITT.
TRUMP HAS SPENT THE LAST MONTH SAYING THAT JOE BIDEN IS A
DROOLING IDIOT WHO COULDN'T PASS AN ANIMAL SHAPES TEST, BUT HE
STILL THINKS THE BAR FOR BIDEN'S DEBATE PERFORMANCE IS WAY TOO
LOW.
>> YOU KNOW THE WAY IT IS, THE FAKE NEWS.
IF HE STANDS UP, AND IF HE IS ABLE TO BREATHE, AND IF HE'S
ABLE TO WALK OFF THE PLATFORM, THEY'LL SAY IT WAS ONE OF THE
GREATEST DEBATE PERFORMANCES IN HISTORY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, MAYBE IT'S UNFAIR BUT IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN
FAULT, MR. PRESIDENT.
THANKS TO THE WAY YOU SHANKED THE CORONAVIRUS RESPONSE, WE
APPLAUD ANY TIME WE SEE AN OLD GUY WALK OR BREATHE.
THEN TRUMP SHIFTED GEARS TO THE ISSUE ON EVERYONE'S MIND,
WHETHER OR NOT THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS' BILL BELICHICK IS A
GOOD COACH.
>> BELICHEK IS AN INCREDIBLE COACH, AND I THINK HE'S GONNA DO
REALLY WELL.
THIS GUY JUST KNOWS HOW TO WIN, AND HE'S A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF
MINE.
HE'S A WINNER.
YOU KNOW, IF I EVER HAD A MILITARY BATTLE, I'D CALL UP
BELICHEK AND SAY "WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
GIVE ME A COUPLE IDEAS."
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, YOU DO HAVE A MILITARY BATTLE.
IT'S CALLED THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN, YOU NUMB NUT.
SECOND, I KNOW FOOTBALL IS OFTEN DESCRIBED WITH MILITARY TERMS
BUT YOU CAN'T WIN AN ACTUAL BATTLE BY DEFLATING YOUR BOMBS.
THOUGH I'VE GOT TO SAY HE COULD HAVE MADE A WORSE CHOICE THAN
BELICHICK.
( AS TRUMP )
GENERAL GOYA BEANS, ADMIRAL MY PILLOW GUY, WHAT ARE YOUR
ORDERS?" SPEAKING OF EL PRESIDENTE, THERE
WAS A TROUBLING MOMENT YESTERDAY AT THE WHITE HOUSE WHEN, JUST
MINUTES AFTER TRUMP STARTED HIS PRESS BRIEFING, THIS HAPPENED:
>> NEW RECORD AT NASDAQ.
AND THE S&P 500 AND THE DOW-- DOW JONES-- ARE GOING TO BE-- I
MEAN, THE WAY THEY'RE GOING, IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE JUST ABOUT
GONNA BE TOPPING RECORDS, HOPEFULLY SOON--
EXCUSE ME?
>> MR. PRESIDENT?
>> EXCUSE ME.
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING?
>> STEPHEN: AT THE TIME, NO ONE KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING, BUT IF
YOU LISTEN TO THE ENHANCED AUDIO, YOU CAN HEAR WHAT THEY
URGENTLY NEEDED TO TELL THE PRESIDENT.
>> HOPEFULLY, SOON.
EXCUSE ME.
>> IS SOMETHING GOING ON, MR. PRESIDENT.
>> SIR, THE MCRIB IS BACK.
>> STEPHEN: OBVIOUSLY, WE'RE JOKING.
THE FACT IS, WE'RE NOT ENTIRELY CLEAR CHAPPED.
WE KNOW A MAN WAS SHOT TWO BLOCKS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE BY
THE SECRET SERVICE.
HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL.
ONCE THE SITUATION WAS ALL CLEAR, TRUMP CAME BACK AND
CONTINUED THE IMPORTANT WORK OF SAYING ABSOLUTE NONSENSE ABOUT
THE PANDEMIC.
>> NOBODY'S EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS.
THE CLOSEST THING IS IN 1917, THEY SAY, RIGHT?
THE GREAT-- THE GREAT PANDEMIC CERTAINLY WAS A TERRIBLE THING
WHERE THEY LOST ANYWHERE FROM 50-100 MILLION PEOPLE.
PROBABLY ENDED THE SECOND WORLD WAR.
ALL THE SOLDIERS WERE SICK.
( SNAPPING FINGERS ) >> Stephen: DID HE JUST SAY
WORLD WAR II ENDED IN 1917?
IS THERE JUST A BIG PILE OF PING PONG BALLS IN HIS HEAD LIKE ONE
OF THOSE LOTTO BARRELS AND DIFFERENT HISTORICAL FACTS POP
UP AT RANDOM?
( AS TRUMP )
FLU" ENDED "WORLD WAR II" AND "LEE HARVEY OSWALD" "WALKED ON
THE MOON" WITH "CHER."
THAT'S WHERE SHE GOT THE IDEA FOR 'MOONSTRUCK.'
THE MORE YOU KNOW."
ALSO, SETTING ASIDE THE EXTREMELY WRONG TIMELINE, TRUMP
THINKS THE WAR ENDED BECAUSE ALL THE SOLDIERS GOT SICK?
( AS TRUMP )
THERE WAS NOBODY LEFT TO KILL, PERHAPS THE GREATEST TRAGEDY OF
ALL."
THERE IS SOME, MAYBE POSSIBLY, GOOD-ISH NEWS ABOUT THE
CORONAVIRUS OUT THERE, BECAUSE WE FOUND OUT TODAY THAT, RUSSIA
REGISTERED THE WORLD'S FIRST COVID-19 VACCINE.
WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF DETAILS YET, BUT SINCE IT'S A VACCINE
FROM PUTIN'S GOVERNMENT, I ASSUME IT'S ADMINISTERED HAVE A
SUSHI.
WE BETTER COME UP WITH A VACCINE FAST BECAUSE AMERICANS WILL NOT
DO ANYTHING TO STOP THE CORONAVIRUS.
TAKE THE GIANT MOTORCYCLE RALLY IN STURGIS, SOUTH DAKOTA.
YESTERDAY, I TOLD YOU ALL, DESPITE CONCERNS ABOUT THE
CORONAVIRUS, THE 10 DAYS OF HOT HOG-ON-HOG ACTION IS GOING
STRONG WITH UPWARDS OF 250,000 BIKERS CHOARE COMPLETELY
IGNORING SOCIAL DISTANCING GUIDELINES.
YOU CAN SEE WHAT UNFOLD IN THE UPCOMING MOVIE, "WILD HOGS 2:
REST IN PEACE."
WE FOUND OUT SMASH MOUTH PLAYED TO A PACKED UNMASKED CROWD IN
STURGIS, AND THEIR LEAD SINGER HAD THIS MESSAGE.
>> ( BLEEP ).
>> GROW A PAIR, ROOSEVELT.
WHO WANTS TO HEAR THAT ONE SONG FROM SHREK?
♪SOME.
>> MASH MOUTH ISN'T THE ONLY MAJOR BAND ENTERTAINING THE
BIKERS BECAUSE TONIGHT FOR ONE SHOW ONLY STURGIS IS PLAYING
HOST TO MEGAROCK ALL-STARS AND FRIENDS OF THE SHOW, FLAW.
I FEEL PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS, BECAUSE IN 2018, I BROUGHT
THEM ON MY SHOW TO GIVE THEM A MUCH-NEEDED TOURING VAN.
YEAH, IF IT WASN'T FOR MY GENEROSITY, FLAW WOULDN'T BE
PLAYING TONIGHT AT THE IRON HORSE SALOON ON JUNCTION AVENUE
IN STURGIS, SOUTH DAKOTA.
AND THEY SURE WOULDN'T BE PLAYING IN AUGUST AT THE LOOKOUT
LOUNGE IN OMAHA, NEBRASKA.
OR AT THE RHYTHM CITY CASINO RESORT IN DAVENPORT, IOWA.
HONESTLY, THEY STILL MIGHT NOT.
THAT VAN I GAVE THEM WAS IN PRETTY BAD SHAPE, AND THIS
CHRISTENING DIDN'T HELP.
>> I HEREBY KRIN THIS VAN FLAW!
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )
BUT FOR PETE'S SAKE, FLAW, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC!
AMERICA LOOKS TO YOU FOR LEADERSHIP.
CHRIS VOLZ ON VOCALS.
ROB BUTTORFF ON GUITAR.
GEORGES OCTOBOUS ON DRUMS.
AND ON BASS-- SAY IT WITH ME-- TOURING POSITION!
I'M GOING TO BE GENEROUS AND SAY YOU GUYS DID NOT THINK THIS ONE
THROUGH.
IF ONLY-- IF ONLY THERE HAD BEEN SOME CLAW THAT FLAW WOULD EVER
MAKE A MISTAKE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO THE STAR OF "OZARK," LAURA LINNEY.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL CONTINUE TO MONITOR THE
SITUATION WITH THE ALL-IMPORTANT CONNECTICUT PRIMARY.
AND "MEANWHILE!" FLAW!