- It's long enough for both of us to be like,
"What is happening? (laughing)
"Why are we fighting?"
(soft dubstep music)
- Welcome to This Is Not Happening presents
Fisticuffs.
If you've never been to the show before
this is a bunch of comics telling fun stories
about real shit that happened.
Give it up for Kurt Braundhler everybody, let him hear it.
(audience applauds)
- Give it up for Ari everybody, keep it going.
Okay.
Hi.
This is gonna be a story about my first
and last bar fight ever.
I know you're looking at me, you're going, "Only one?
"Tough guy like you?"
I realize I look like a camp counselor
for a camp that only teaches feelings.
But I did get into a fight at a bar once.
So the setting is, it was my friend John's birthday
and so we went to this bar and I love this bar.
This is my favorite bar to go to
because they had ice in the urinals.
And ladies, I don't know if you know this
but sometimes bars will put ice in the urinals
and I love that.
Because then I can imagine
that my penis is a giant laser
and I'm just destroying Eskimo villages from space.
And, oh, this bar is located in Baltimore, Maryland.
I used to live in Baltimore,
has anybody ever lived in Baltimore?
No? Alright.
Baltimore is a fucking crazy place
and it encourages a very love hate relationship
with its citizenry.
Like, I remember, the only way I think about Baltimore is
I think about Baltimore the same way I think about
my alcoholic, autistic cousin.
Like, most of the time I don't know what you're doing
and every once in a while I'm like,
"That is how many nickles are in that jar.
"Are you magic?
"You seem magic, you seem magic."
I love you Baltimore.
In fact, while I lived there Kurt Schmoke was elected mayor.
And he was elected mayor on a literacy platform
because 20% of Baltimore could not read.
He gets elected, takes all the money
for the literacy program and builds
the Baltimore Ravens football stadium
and then, with like the remaining 10 cents left over
just has painted on every bus stop
Baltimore: the city that reads.
But every single one I ever saw had been vandalized
to read, Baltimore: the city that breeds.
But they just put a B in front of reads
so they all said Baltimore: the city that breads.
'Cause they're illiterate.
You see Baltimore writes a joke for itself.
And that's why you love it so much.
So we go to this bar.
We go to this bar specifically 'cause we want to dance.
'Cause we're tough guys.
You know how tough guys like to
go out dancing with each other.
And the DJ is horrible.
The DJ is terrible.
The DJ's name is DJ Jazzay.
He named himself that.
We drink so much the bar closes down
and kick everybody out onto the street.
And so we're all outside waiting just to do nothing.
There's nothing else to do.
And I don't know why John decided to do this
but he leans over to me and he just goes,
"Hey man, I think DJ Jazzay just called you a douchebag."
And now DJ Jazzay was pretty far away.
I don't think John could've heard him if he did do that.
But at the time I was very drunk
and I was also really into spelling.
Just as a concept.
I would just spell out everything for fun.
I was a real piece of shit.
So my response to this news is to just start
scream spelling douchebag at the top of my lungs.
Just, D-O-U-C-H-E B-A-G,
D-O-U-S-C-H-E B-A-G.
I don't even know how to spell douchebag
but I am scream spelling it.
Now, why I'm doing that, agreed is confusing
but why DJ Jazzay chose to take offense at it
is still beyond me.
But he does.
And he approaches me and he gets in my face.
And at this point now I'm still scream spelling douchebag.
Now I can understand why he's upset.
And he gets up in there and I'm like,
oh, I'm gonna have a fight.
And then I was like, gotta come up with a plan.
So my plan is I am going to launch myself through the air
and attack his soft middle parts.
End of plan.
I'm still scream spelling douchebag but I've got a plan.
DJ Jazzay pushes me, I kind of get off balance a little bit
but I'm like, enact the plan!
So I jump, I leave the ground,
I screaming jump through the air like this.
And I don't know if you guys know a lot about fighting
but one rule is, keep your feet on the ground.
It gives you a place to hit from or run away from.
I leave the ground completely
but I'm a little bit off balance when I do.
So I just end up just grazing his side,
falling to the ground, spraining my wrist,
and then taking the skin off my arm from here to here.
You can still see the scar I think there.
And now I'm fucking furious.
'Cause this is my first bar fight
and all of my injuries are self-sustained.
And I remember having a specific thought on the ground
of being like, I don't want my future children
to see this moment.
It's a weird thought to have, I agree.
And why Yvette and Klaus would get in a time machine
and come back to that time.
And see I don't have children now
but that's what they're gonna be named, like they're Nazis.
I've already got it planned out.
And watch their father's humiliating moments, I don't know.
But I leap up with that information
and I'm screaming now and in DJ Jazzay Nice's eyes
you can see he's like, "Oh no.
"I have engaged with someone who is not well."
And I grab him in what can only be described
as like a reverse headlock.
His head is this way and his butt is this way.
And I've just got him comfortably around the middle.
And then my first thought is to get him to the phone booth
which is on the corner.
It's about 15 feet away.
I don't know what my plan was.
To like, kick some ass and make some calls.
I don't know but I was just like,
first thought, best thought.
And then I just start slowly waddling him over
to this phone booth and it takes awhile.
It's long enough for both of us to be like,
"What is happening?
"Why are we fighting?"
I'm waddling him over there and I'm just like,
I have to commit, people are watching.
I don't know what, and I think, and this is 2000
in Baltimore, Maryland so they still have like
glass stand-up phone booths.
And I maybe thought, maybe I was gonna like bash his head
into the thing but his hands are free.
So I go to like push him in and he just opens the door
and kind of comes into it.
And then I get in behind him and close the door.
And now
we are in this far too intimate space.
And we can't fight anymore 'cause we can't get
our arms out to like punch each other.
And I don't know whose thought it was first
but we both kind of decided
that we're gonna headbutt each other.
But we just kind of like screw up the timing
and we end up just kind of smashing mouths together.
So there I am, the light has now come on.
I'm in a phone booth
with a man who's named himself DJ Jazzay,
I'm bleeding onto him
and it's my first bar fight
and I just kissed a dude.
And then, like I get out and his friends grab him
and my friends grab me.
I'm like, that's right, that's right!
You get outta here.
Or else, else I'll suck your fucking dick!
And that's why I don't get into bar fights anymore.
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen.
(audience applauds)
- Kurt Braundhler you guys, that's the episode.
Thank you Kurt for doing in.
Wow, what a tremendously pussy-ish fight that was.
I can't believe anyone actually bragged about that.
So last week I asked you guys to leave us as comments
leave your best stripper names
and so we got a bunch of good ones.
Next week I want you guys to leave your best DJ names.
DJ Jazzay is a good one.
That's horrible.
Make one up.
Or if you actually know one let us know.
Leave it in the comment section
and don't forget to click on the Reddit link,
hit This Is Not Happening hashtag,
follow me on Twitter
and don't forget, subscribe for these.
Every Tuesday come over.
We're gonna have new great ones all the time.
See ya next Tuesday.