crossovers as popular now as chinko
jeans were in the 90s there's nothing
better than seeing some of the
characters we love teamed up with others
in a mashed up contrived storyline but
what massive earth-shattering cause
could bring about such colossal
collusion wealth marijuana aka the
reefer I'm Jocelyn the intern I do all
the research nobody else wants to
straight from the desk of death battle
let's travel back to 1990 the time of
after-school specials and pogs
McDonald's commissioned a PSA featuring
nearly every popular cartoon character
of the day to help kids kick their nasty
drug habits yeah I'm talking Winnie the
Pooh Garfield and Bugs Bunny hanging out
with a goddamned Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtle they called it cartoon all-stars
to the rescue the story starts with our
main character Michael stealing a piggy
bank from his younger sister you know
like an [ __ ]
of course he smashes the bank for drug
money right there must be 20 bucks in
here easy maybe one reason to stop
smoking so much dope is so you can count
better Rain Man that's like seven bucks
tops
anyway this act of larceny somehow
causes all sorts of cartoon characters
to inexplicably come to life and step
into the plane of his reality Alvin the
Chipmunks and Alf discover Michael's
stash where Simon identifies it as
marijuana my guess would be marijuana
and unlawful substance used to
experience artificial highs come to
think of it Simon knows a suspicious
amount about weed
someone at least took a hit for science
if you ask me so now that our favorite
nineties friends have confirmation that
Michael is a filthy pothead everyone
except poo who I guess thought it would
be too much of a bother decided chases
asked down and scare the hell out of him
in the meantime Michael's smoking pot
right in the middle of the arcade next
to mrs. pac-man in Galaga with his
friends and since this is a PSA they of
course had to personify the monkey on
Michaels back and created this smoke
monster guy who kind of looks like
hexxus from Fern Gully in a business
suit anyway Michael's hanging out with
the off-brand cast of Captain Planet
their powers combined to form crack but
before the game can start smoking that
sweet sweet moon rock Bugs Bunny shows
up dressed as a cup the ridiculousness
really ramps up when Bugs Bunny whips
out a device that can only be a time
machine yeah
it's time to learn from your ways
Christmas Carol style immediately after
a black and white rendition of Michael's
intro to weed he magically ends up at a
park with his friends trying to answer
that age-old question of whether or not
to do crack until linkage acts his
wallet and legs it is this requiem for a
dream for kids this of course leads him
to fall into a manhole where
Michelangelo who somehow already knows
all about Michael's problems gives him a
pep talk
timeout okay let's just like pause for a
second if you're gonna send a Ninja
Turtle to tell a kid to not do drugs
would you really send Michelangelo no I
didn't think so
thinking maybe he has some addictions of
his own there anyway turtle Michael
flushes non turtle Michael down the
sewers toilet we're naturally he lands
in our
coaster card inside his own brain
run by the baby versions of Kermit the
Frog and Miss Piggy keep Kermit
maybe Nix maybe next time don't use a 15
year-old second favorite thing to
dissuade them from using their first
favorite thing listen I could go on and
on every detail of this PSA is ripe for
mocking but for the sake of time we're
gonna jump to around the 18 minute mark
where it becomes a full-on musical all
of the characters emerge from the park
and start to sing about the many ways to
say no to drugs okay I gotta give credit
where it's due and they at least put in
a verse that contains an effective
method of refusing drugs just lie after
the cheery musical number things get
pretty dark this is the part where the
animators attempt to scare the living
[ __ ] out of not just Michael but every
child every single one of you watching
so that they associate bad feelings with
drugs and who should be the finale of
this amusement park of Terror none other
than Jaffee mother ducking duck
hey thanks autocorrect finally Daffy
shows Michael his future and he sees
himself as what appears to be a zombie
living corpse that this teenager has to
come face-to-face with Alf and friends
continue to give Michael advice as he
breaks out before he finally throws the
smoke monster out of a window to save
himself and his little sister and even
though all of these characters
manifested in different ways they
somehow end up on a poster together in
Michael's room so say goodbye to pot
crack and your stuff Winnie the Pooh
Bear Oh fun fact even the production of
this 30-minute special was a crossover
of sorts it was financed by McDonald's
produced by the Academy of Television
Arts and Sciences
Foundation aired on all four major
networks and featured a video message
from President George HW Bush and first
lady barbara Bush on the home video
release hmm I guess this was a pretty
big deal