LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANYBODY WHO KNOWS HE AND WATCHES THIS
SHOWS KNOWS I'M A DOG PERSON.
I'VE GOT 16% CANINE D.N.A.
THAT'S WHY I HAVE HIP DYSPLASIA AND DRAG MY BUTT ON THE CARPET
WHEN IT GETS ITCHY.
( LAUGHTER )
GOODWIN.
IT'S ALSO WHY I DO MY SEGMENT "RESCUE DOG RESCUE," WHERE A
CELEBRITY FRIEND JOINS ME TO TELL FLATTERING LIES ABOUT
LITTLE PUPPIES TO GET THEM ADOPTED.
AND I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR, WE HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF
EVERY SINGLE DOG GETTING ADOPTED!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS SEGMENT IS SO EFFECTIVE THAT THE LAST TIME WE DID IT,
WE EVEN FOUND A FOREVER HOME FOR EMMA STONE.
SHE'S DOING GREAT AND HAS FINALLY STOPPED CHEWING THE
COUCH CUSHIONS WHEN THE FAMILY GOES OUT.
TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY HYATT HOUSE HOTELS.
PET FRIENDLY, RESIDENTIALLY- INSPIRED APARTMENT-STYLE SUITES
WITH FULL KITCHENS.
PERFECT FOR BUSINESS TRAVEL, EXTENDED STAYS, OR FOR WHEN
YOU'RE WAITING TO SEE HOW LONG THE "SEPARATION" IS GOING TO
LAST.
THIS IS "RESCUE DOG RESCUE!" ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELCOME TO THIS WEEK'S "RESCUE DOG RESCUE."
I'M SO EXCITED TO DO THIS.
IF ONLY THERE WERE A CELEBRITY WHO COULD HELP ME TELL LIES
ABOUT THESE DOGS.
>> HELLO!
>> Stephen: OOOOH!
HI!
HI, WHOOPI!
>> HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M VERY WELL.
>> Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS?
>> I WANT TO DO THIS WITH YOU, YES.
>> Stephen: OH, WOW, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE DOING THIS, WHOOPI.
>> I LOVE LYING ABOUT DOGS.
>> Stephen: GOOD.
WELL LET'S HELP SOME DOGS.
A QUICK REMINDER: ALL THE PUPPIES WE HAVE HERE TONIGHT ARE
ACTUAL ADOPTABLE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE
AMERICA.
THEY'RE ALL FANTASTIC, BUT TO MAKE THEM EVEN MORE APPEALING
TO YOU, WE ARE ABOUT TO TELL FLATTERING LIES ABOUT THEM TO
SEAL THE DEAL.
I'LL GO FIRST.
OH, HEY, EVERYBODY!
THIS LITTLE FELLA IS ROBBIE.
HI!
NOT ONLY IS SHE HOUSE TRAINED, SHE CAN ALSO WHIP UP AN
EXCELLENT TABLESIDE GUACAMOLE FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY IF YOU
SAY THE COMMAND "OLE!" NO, NO!
NOT YET, ROBBIE!
THE AVOCADOS AREN'T RIPE YET!
AND THIS IS BISCUIT.
SHE HAS A TENTH DEGREE BLACK BELT IN TAE KWON DO, BUT YOU'LL
NEVER SEE HER IN ACTION, BECAUSE THE REAL LESSON OF MARTIAL
ARTS IS NOT FIGHTING.
LAUZ.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOODNESS.
OH, MY GOODNESS GRAVIES.
HELLO!
HELLO, EVERYBODY!
HELLO!
THIS IS MUFFINS.
MUFFINS LOVES HYATT HOUSE'S PREMIUM INDOOR AND OUTDOOR
COMMON AREAS, LIKE THEIR COCKTAIL LOUNGE, "H BAR," WHERE
HAS AN OPEN TAB, LADIES.
AND, DON'T WORRY ABOUT MUFFINS HITTING ON YOU.
HE'S BEEN NEUTERED.
>> HELLO.
THIS, THIS IS SHAMROCK.
SHE'S WHAT'S KNOWN AS A REVERSE WEREWOLF.
SHE'S A DOG NOW, BUT UNDER THE LIGHT OF A FULL MOON, SHE
BECOMES AN A-LIST CELEBRITY!
COME ON, BABY!
IT.
>> Stephen: OH, EXCITING.
OKAY!
THERE GU!
THERE YOU GO!
THIS RIGHT HERE, THIS IS SHOJI.
HE IS A RONIN, A MASTERLESS SAMURAI FOLLOWING THE DEATH OF
HIS FEUDAL LORD.
NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT TO SHOJI THAN HIS HONOR.
SO NOT ONLY IS HE HOUSE TRAINED, BUT IF HE EVER SOILS YOUR
CARPET, HE WILL COMMIT SEPPUKU.
( APPLAUSE )
>> AND THIS IS PEACHES.
FUN FACT: PEACHES HAS MEMORIZED YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER,
DRIVER'S LICENSE, AND ALL YOUR CREDIT CARDS.
IMPRESSIVE!
HOPE SOMEONE ELSE DOESN'T ADOPT HER FIRST.
( LAUGHTER )
LOOK AT YOU!
>> YES!
>> Stephen: WELL, FOLKS, THAT DOES IT FOR "RESCUE DOG RESCUE."
HEAD TO "THE LATE SHOW" WEBSITE: colbertlateshow.com FOR INFO ON
HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE
AMERICA.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WHOOPI GOLDBERG.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG!
( APPLAUSE )