Okay, so
Mommy had to have an emergency c-section which made me very upset
and I went in and I wasn't all the way asleep. I was awake, but they numbed me
and when you came out the nurse went to say what your gender was. She went to say
Oh, you have a beautiful baby girl, but before she could say the word everybody said "no"
Because I didn't want to know what you were.
So then she wrapped you up and mama walked you around while I'm still on the operating table
and then I saw your face and it was this little face
little gold face with a little yellow hat and I said,
"Oh, she's beautiful" and mama said, "How do you know it was a girl?" and I said, "Look at that face. I know my baby"
Then when I left the operating room, mama had already had you in the
hospital room and I kept saying "mommy can have my baby. Mommy can have my baby" and then
mommy lost it, "Can I have my baby"
Then she gave me my baby and I looked at you and I could not believe you were mine.
That was the first time we met
Do you wanna ask the same thing?
I don't know because you don't remember
What can I do to be a better parent?
Hmm
Come on what is it,
Let me do things on my own?
You want to get up extra early in the morning to make yourself lunch?
no like
oh
let me make some decisions like
Today, I knew I was gonna be cold
when I wore that, but if you let me like do that I could have learned a lesson.
Do you see how windy it is outside?
Yes
You would have frozen with those sandals on your feet
You would have been screaming like "mommy, why did you let me do this?" Because when I do one thing,
But I will learn.
The last time I did that you were like "you are the parent I can get sick.
Why did you let me do this?"
Do you not remember?
Squinter. Yes. Do you understand the problem?
Yeah, and I want a little more privacy.
Privacy, that's fine. And my mom
like not checking my phone
Okay,
Like if something bad happens in my messages, of course I'll tell you.
Some other times if it's really bad you can step in and if it's not then I'll handle it
Thank you for the permission. Thanks
What are you hesitant to tell me?
I'm hesitant to tell you things that I feel that you're not ready to hear yet
Because I don't want it to change your view of
Anyone around you or your view of yourself
And because you have a how certain life experiences I'm hesitant to tell you certain things because I want to protect you
Well I think that if you do tell me some things you might help me before I have like that
Experience because it might help me like do the better thing that that person did or that you did.
Good points
Um I'm hesitant to tell you some things that people say to me
because I know you're gonna beat them up and I don't want that.
I am NOT beating anybody up
I will call the school and make
Yeah, but I will not
Serious complaints
but I don't want that
Okay, so
because that makes you seem like a bad guy?
To other people.
Do you think mommy cares what I look like to other people while I'm protecting you.
No, but I care.
Oh. Okay
So how about we make a deal? From now on if it's one of those situations you tell me beforehand
and unless you're in serious danger
I'll listen and give you advice on how to handle it
Yeah
When do you feel I misunderstand you and why do you think I do? Oh, yeah
How do I feel? Umm
When do you feel I misunderstand you?
When, something happens and then you like tell me like
Like I'm explaining something and you tell me like how you feel about it, but you never ask how I feel
And you're like, "oh you did this you did that. You could have done that
You could have done that" and you always say, "you could have done this," but you never asked how I feel about it
I never asked you "Angelina. Why did you do this"
But you as "Why?" you don't ask,
"How do you feel"
In order for me to ask you how you feel about something that you did you have to tell me why you did it.
You don't answer the question at all. You just sit there mute
So if you answer like "well, mommy, I did this because of this" I'll be like "well why did you do it for that reason?"
"I felt like I had to do it for this reason"
But mommy will change the wording to say how do you feel about it?
Will that help you answer more questions?
Yeah.
Do you want to ask me this question?
No.
okay.
If you can give me anything in the world, what would it be and why?
There's so much
A better place to live,
awww
a better environment,
your own room,
Peace inside
I want to give you opportunities that I didn't have
Growing up I want to give you opportunities that
may not always be available to you.
For many reasons. We talk about that at home yes?
I want to give you those opportunities?
Because I know you can excel
What other questions do you have?
Ummm
I don't know if I'm old enough for that yet.
Go on, ask.
Why didn't my dad go to jail?
You mean when I was pregnant with you?
Yes. I've never stopped thinking about that.
Personally for me,
I don't think that you are old enough yet to know why.
At 13 14 15, you'll have different experiences. You'll see different things in the neighborhood. You'll be able to
Take what he tells you and put it into different places.
Right now,
You're learning and I don't want it to be like as soon as he tells you you just be like, "oh my goodness.
He's the worst person in the world" or "he's oh he's capable of doing this and that" because
Yeah, but how does he know they don't do that?
I don't know if he knows you'll do that
but I personally feel like you're not ready yet because you haven't even started dating,
and I feel like it'll change your view on people period.
Is there anything else you want to ask me?
No
Okay
Do you want to finish?
Or is my okay. If mommy asks you a question?
You can ask me.
Why do you want to know so bad?
I'm asking genuinely. I just wonder.
Because I just want to know because if I don't know I just keep making up these bad things
And it's killing me to not know what it is because I keep thinking I keep thinking he did something horrible,
and I don't want to keep thinking that.
Sweetheart. If he did something completely horrible. He would have still been in jail.
I want you to know something
he is half of you, I am half of you, but
You are whole you.
So what we do, who I am and who he is does not make who you are. Look at me.
Genetically, yeah, I mean look at that face adorable but inside you are you.
You are strong all by yourself. You are things that I'm not and you are things that he is not.
Do you understand what I am saying to you?
So although you would like to know and I know it's bothering you and I will take you to therapy
I want you to understand that,
none of that
puts a restriction on who you are,
or decides what kind of person you will be.
Okay?
You understand?
And I'm sorry that you're hurting.
I feel bad too.
Your turn
Why do you love me?
I can't help it.
What?
Because you're funny, you're sweet, you're caring, you're silly
I love you, because I love you.
Why do you love me?
Because well you gave me birth so
Because you can take me places that I can't take myself for age and size reasons.
And safety reasons.
Yeah.
And because I have someone to share my journey with.
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