BURNIE: Alright, so, this worked really well the last time we did it.
GUS: It worked okay.
BURNIE: People seemed to enjoy it...
so, we thought we would play another round of "Million Dollars, But..."
Now, I know you started last time, Gavin. And, Gus, you're the guest. But, I have a really good one.
BURNIE: You get a million dollars, you can spend it any way you want to, but...
...for the rest of your life, your dick glows, all the time, like at the level of, like, a 250 watt bulb.
-250 watts?!
Like, you would want sunglasses.
GUS: This is going to be awkward at the urinal...
...you're like standing there, and imagine the guy standing next to you just like "what the fuck is going on?"
GAVIN: Imagine, like, just behind three people in the middle and it just lights up the whole wall.
GUS: Pull the old, uh... "dick in a popcorn trick".
BURNIE: Exactly...
BURNIE: That would not work at all.
(laughter)
GUS: The worst part would be, like, if you need to get up and take a piss in the middle of the night...
...like, when you're all groggy and asleep. And then you get blinded, it would be impossible to go back to sleep.
(laughter)
What colour is the light?
You can pick.
I can pick?
Can I change it?
GAVIN: Is it like a HUE bulb?
GAVIN: ...on my phone, and just be like "woo-hoo-hoo-hoo".
BURNIE: Yeah, sure, you can change it. Why not?
GUS: I'm absolutely doing it now.
BURNIE: That would be a hell of a reveal.
GUS: You could use it as a pick-up line, like "baby, my dick's so glorious it will make your face light up".
(laughter)
BURNIE: That's a bar bet.
GUS: I love this idea. I'm absolutely sold. I will do this in a heartbeat.
I think I would definitely do that.
Millions dollars... so I owe you both a million dollars.
Oh, yeah.
BURNIE: Alright, Gavin, what do ya got?
GAVIN: I've got one that is definitely going to affect you, because I know you do this constantly.
Basically, any time you forget something...
(Burnie laughs)
It's gone forever.
GAVIN: So, like, you leave the house without your phone – your phone just on your table – just gone.
BURNIE: So I get a million dollars...
GAVIN: You gotta get a new phone.
BURNIE: Yeah, but I could buy a lot of stuff to replace it.
I have a clarification question...
...so, like, let's say I'm walking down the street, and I'm like "who was my 3rd grade teacher? I can't remember".
GUS: Does she just disappear?
(laughter)
GUS: Because I forgot her.
People don't die?
It only works with objects.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, that would be bad.
GUS: What about if, let's say, you've forgot where you parked your car.
GAVIN: Basically, the moment you realize "I can't remember where I've parked this car".
BURNIE: (laughing) Oh, wow...
GUS: That's fucked up.
BURNIE: ...that's tough.
GUS: (sarcastic) Yeah, because you're going to look through the car park looking for it. It's just gone.
BURNIE: I would burn through a lot of cars and that would eat up a million bucks fast.
BURNIE: Here's the killer, what if you got the million dollars and you forgot, like, where you put it.
(laughter)
BURNIE: And then you've lost your million dollars and you're cursed with this thing forever.
What happens if you forget a password?
You need a new account.
Oh, my account's gone?
(Burnie laughs)
GAVIN: So, like, your 401K... gone.
GUS: Oh, God...
BURNIE: Because I forgot the password.
GAVIN: Yeah.
I wanna say I would do this in a heartbeat.
Yeah, you're pretty good at remembering stuff.
What was the last thing you forgot?
...I forgot.
(laughter)
That was it.
BURNIE: Would you take that?
I'm actually pretty good at remembering stuff.
I would take that.
Alright, so, million dollars (points at Gavin), million dollars (points at gus), I wouldn't take it.
GUS: What if, million dollars...
BURNIE: -Lot of money.
GUS: But, any time you saw someone you found attractive you vomited just a little bit.
BURNIE: Oh my gosh...
GAVIN: What, in your mouth?
GUS: Yeah, like two ounces.
BURNIE: What level, like a six?
GUS: If you saw someone you would fuck.
Okay. Well, that's not... okay, that's a lot of people.
(Gus laughs)
Erm... I'm gonna make myself gag here a little bit, but--
--in talking about the amount of vomit that you get is it enough for you to swallow it back down?
(Burnie gags)
GUS: One swallow.
(Gavin gags)
BURNIE: Think about everytime you see someone attractive that's what you do, you like go to a bar--
--she goes "hey", and you're like... (vomiting noises)
(laughter)
How would you like to meet someone for the first time who just vomited in their own mouth?
GAVIN: They're always clammy in their eyes, their eyes are always watering...
BURNIE: (laughing) And their breath smells like vomit.
No, there's no fixing that.
You never go to a bar.
GAVIN: And you're, like, on a date with your girlfriend and some hot girls walks past--
--and you're just gagging into your food.
BURNIE: (imitating girlfriend) "What's wrong?"
(laughter)
BURNIE: Can you imagine having to sit down with your girlfriend and she's like--
"you just don't throw up when you see me anymore".
(laughter)
GAVIN: And then you see her and you're, like, trying to please her see your like--
"Look! I still like you." (imitating vomiting)
(laughter)
BURNIE: You're trying to fake it!
(laughter)
BURNIE: Could you also learn things about yourself?--
--You like see somebody walking down the street and you vomit a little bit--
GAVIN: Yeah, but, you don't learn seperately to you seeing... what are you talking about?
No, yeah, I think you could learn.
GUS: You could absolutely-- like "I didn't expect that."
Alright, million dollars, would you do it? You'd barf in your mouth everytime you see an attractive person.
Wouldn't do it. Not worth the the money.
A million dollars... no, I wouldn't do it.
For the record, I wouldn't do it either.
You wouldn't do it?
GUS: No, there's no way I'd do that.
There's no way.
Gus, this was fun. You should come back and do this again sometime.
GUS: I wasn't here on the last episode, like where do we go to collect the money?
BURNIE: You just-- it'll be a check in the mail. Don't worry, it's coming.
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