(00:00): Hey there it's clay with modern love.life. And
in this video, we're going to be talking about why your ex will suddenly out of nowhere, start acting
distant. There are a couple of different situations that could potentially cause this
we're going to go through those. The first one is, you know, the two of you recently broke up.
The second one is that maybe you have been having interactions that haven't been terrible. Like,
you know, sure. If you have like a big argument or something, you could understand why they would
get distant. But the other reason is like, okay, things have actually been going good. Why have
they gotten distant? Um, so let's go ahead and get into these two. The first one is, you know,
yeah. The two of you broke up recently. Again, breakups can happen in all sorts of different
ways. Sometimes they're very dramatic. (00:43):
Sometimes there's lots of fighting and crying and all this sort of stuff other times, um, they're,
you know, more calm, more rational. Like, Hey, this isn't working out. Like I think we
should break up. Um, and so there's all of these different things that can happen. Now. Obviously,
if you did have a dramatic breakup and you know, maybe there's a lot of intense emotions crying or
something like that, your ex may leave that sort of situation feeling actually guilty. You know,
it's pretty well known that, you know, people on the receiving end of a breakup feel rejected.
They feel sad. They feel terrible. They feel like this relationship that they wanted has been taken
from them, but what's not equally well known is that, uh, your ex actually feels a sense of
guilt for hurting you. If it's very clear and evident to them that they hurt you,
then they probably feel a sense of guilt. (01:33):
And it's because of this sense of guilt, they may actually create distance. They may not want to be
close to you because it reminds them of the time that they hurt you. They may not want to contact
you or text you or interact with you because it just reminds them that they hurt you or it, or it
reminds them of the pain that they've been through as the result of the breakup. Maybe either they've
inflicted on you or that they experienced as well through the process of breaking up.
So that is something that could be causing them to become distant. Now, when it comes to situations
like this, what we want to do is we want to really set a certain kind of intention in place,
a certain understanding or a certain agreement in place so that the two of you can interact in
a more neutral sort of sense. (02:21):
You know, after you go through a breakup with someone there's all of this confusion, it's like,
how do we fit into each other's lives right now? Are we supposed to hate each other's guts
I've seen on TV and movies that you're supposed to hate? Your ex has guts, but we
don't have this big, you know, dramatic breakup or maybe we do have this big dramatic breakup,
but maybe I still have mixed feelings about you. I, I don't know, there's all of these questions.
And so what happens is people often feel kind of awkward and uncertain when it comes to interacting
with their exes. You know, maybe you feel this way is to, uh, sometimes when you're trying to
interact with your ex. And so what we want to do is we want to, um, create an understanding
between you and your ex that, Hey, this is how we're going to interact with one another, because
if they're just trying to fill in the blanks themselves, if they're just trying to say,
well, I don't know, I don't want to seem silly. (03:10):
Like, should I contact them? Am I going to risk hurting them again? Maybe I'm going to give them
false hope. I don't, I don't know, rather than both of you keeping each other at arms distance
and just sort of like dancing around this awkward and uncomfortable kind of dynamic between the two
of you, let's call it out. Let's actually create the intention and say, okay, Hey, things are a
little bit weird right now between the two of us. Um, I know might be a little bit confusing how he
fit into each other's lives. But, uh, here's what I know. I know that we definitely are broken up.
However, I also know that I like you as a person and I like talking to you and connecting with you.
So what do we say? We just connect with one another. And if it ever seems like things are
getting kind of weird or anything like that, just let me know.
(03:54): And I'll let you know as well.
Does that sound like something you can agree to? And that can be something that, that actually kind
of resets things between the two of you, especially if they start acting distant,
um, because oftentimes they're acting distant in this situation because they just don't know how
to interact with you. Either they're feel guilty either they feel embarrassed or maybe they're just
like not sure how the two of you are supposed to fit into each other's lives. And so they're
playing it really cautious. Um, there could be all of these reasons. And so what we want to do is I
want to address it and create a new intention that the two of you can actually step into together.
Now, the second reason that your ex, uh, might act distant towards you is because you did not hit the
like button for this video. (04:34):
Seriously, go ahead and hit it. It'll help a lot. I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure it won't hurt.
Okay. Joking aside. Um, the, the second reason why your ex might act distant,
all of a sudden is because you may have actually been having good interactions with them. And the
two of you may have been getting actually pretty close and then suddenly out of nowhere, they start
to act distant. This is actually pretty common. It can be really confusing for a lot of people that
we've worked with in the past. But, uh, when, when you understand where this is coming from, it makes
a lot of sense. So this is what we call a positive pullback. Now, what exactly is a positive pullback
and what causes it to happen and how do you deal with it? So, first of all, the positive pullback
happens because your ex is going through their own emotional journey of learning to trust and
interact with you. (05:26):
Again, you know, I've talked about this before in our video playlist on the five stages your ex
goes through and getting back together with you in case you need that, uh, there's a video card right
up here, uh, on that playlist, go ahead and check it out. A lot of people have said it's been really
helpful for them. The main point here is that when your ex broke up with you again, nobody wants to
think of themselves as the kind of person that goes out there and hurts other people. Uh, your ex
might feel guilty about breaking up with you. And I feel guilty about giving up on a relationship.
They might feel guilty about hurting you about, about the pain happened in the past or something
like that. And so what we often do is we try to make sense of what happened. So we start to maybe
massage the truth, I guess you could say, uh, to create a version of reality that allows us to
live with ourselves moving forward. (06:14):
And so what your ex may have done is that they have distorted generalized, deleted, rearranged
reality in some way to make a version of you in their mind, that's worth breaking up with
granted. Maybe they didn't have to work that hard. Maybe there were a lot of major problems
in your relationship, but maybe they did have to work pretty hard. Maybe they did have to,
you know, take this thing that you did once and say that you always did it,
or this, this one time you let them down. And you say that you're so untrustworthy.
I can never trust you or something like that. But basically they had to create an image of you
in their mind that was worth breaking up with. And so what you want to, what, what happens when you
have these positive interactions with them, these great interactions where you're connecting and
bonding and all of that stuff is you're starting to call this negative image of you that they've
created in their mind into doubt. (07:03):
And this can happen, uh, because maybe you've gone through some changes. Maybe the, the version
of you that they created. That's negative is not an accurate version of you. I'm going to be some
combination of the two things, but you're calling this version of you that they have in their mind
into doubt. And they're starting to say, well, okay, what is it? Are you this really negative
version of you that I thought that you were, or are you this like totally relaxed, easygoing,
positive version of you that I saw the last time that we talked or interacted or, or, or met up
in person or whatever. And this can be kind of confusing because now they're starting to say,
well, what is it? Was that just you on your best behavior? Was that you using some sort of gimmick,
maybe my judgment of you is wrong. (07:45):
Maybe I was wrong when I thought that you were like emotionally disconnected or numb or
not wanting to take things seriously. And so what happens is they actually pull back because they're
trying to determine which version they want to put their faith in. Um, this is them learning to trust
themselves. This is them learning to trust you. This is really a big exercise in trust, really.
And so what they saw were two distinct versions of you, and they're not sure which one is real.
They're not sure which one they should trust. And this can be what causes that pullback to happen.
This is, this is a positive pullback. You know, you have a positive interaction as a pullback
because they're questioning which version is the right version for them to put their trust,
their faith, their, their hope, their, their, everything in. And so what you want to do
in this sort of situation is to continue to show up as that positive version of yourself.
(08:39): Every time you have an interaction that,
uh, is positive, that, that, that, that allows you to bring yourself to the interaction as
that positive version of yourself. What you're doing is you're putting more faith, more fuel,
and more weight into that positive version of you in their mind. And you're taking away that
negative version of you. You sort of pulling it down piece by piece, erasing it a little bit at
a time. And what's going to happen is over time. Uh, your ex is going to put more and more trust
into the positive version and less and less trust into the negative version. And, uh, that is really
how you deal with a positive pullback. So when it comes to your ex pulling back, all of a sudden,
these are the two main reasons that they might do it, obviously there's other reasons as well,
too, like maybe they just got really busy at work, or there's some sort of family crisis,
or they got sick or something like that. (09:30):
But, um, things that, that may be more directly related to you that you actually have control over
are these two things, you know, they're, they're feeling something as the result of the breakup
and they're keeping their distance. Maybe they don't know how to interact with you. Maybe they're
feeling awkward or whatever, or they're having this question of like, well, which version of you
is the one that, uh, that, that actually is there, which one of you is the one that I should put my
faith and trust in. And, um, you know, just so you know, we do have our course called the X solution
program where we help you to kind of create that emotional connection with your ex and really build
up that, uh, that positive version of you rather than the negative version of you. And if it is
something that you want to learn more about, please go to our website, modern love.life/e
S P that's modern love.life/e as in ex S as in solution P as in program. Um,
and you can go ahead and learn more about ESP. It does talk more about connecting on
that emotional level and all of that stuff. Uh, but, you know, check it out if it's right.