Almost unbelievably there is light at the end of the tunnel the whole coveted lockdown has
an end in sight it's not over yet but there's an end in sight and what a lot of people with
cptsd are feeling right now is worry because you have to come out of your shell a little bit
sooner or later for so many people who feel triggered by people this permission to stay inside
and not talk to people and keep your distance has actually been a great big rest and reprieve
but now it's time to come out and so I will be making videos on the theme of getting ready to
come out of our shells and starting to deal with people more it's hard right
we need people in order to heal and yet it can be so triggering that it can be hard to
keep persevering with healing at all and so today on ask the fairy I'm going to read two letters
each from a person with a unique set of circumstances each from a person who
is doing amazing work to reconnect with people and so let me start with this one
this is a letter from Amy and Amy writes hi anna I saw you and listen to what you have to say in
your videos about cptsd and I'm curious about what you would say about some issues I'm having around
interactions with other people I have multiple challenges including cerebral palsy including
being vision impaired and hearing impaired I can hear you but have to read lips to understand what
you're saying and I rely on closed captioning to cover the background non-visual conversation the
problem I wanted to ask you about is reciprocation this is something I think everybody can relate to
I spend the majority of my life with able-bodied people as well as a few
challenged people I ask people to do things with me but they don't ask me to do things with them
do you know what that feels like I do another thing that's uncomfortable for me is when people
try to make decisions for me thinking I can't do it I know what I can do and what I can't do so
how do I in a nice friendly open warm and kind way encourage reciprocation especially when my
life is not typical and people see me not living their life I love this question this also happens
with people I have things in common with including both able-bodied and challenged friends so that
tells me it's not my hearing impairment how do I in a nice kind open friendly way
say stop making decisions for me let me decide I mean I may be challenged but I have a college
degree I live in and clean my own apartment I take Pilates with an instructor and I volunteer
in a neonatal intensive care unit holding babies sounds this is a very functional person here
someday I'd like to get married and have a family but right now I have trouble understanding why
people don't reciprocate I hope to hear from you soon all right Amy thank you so much for this
I know you've heard me say on a number of videos that as people with cptsd we can't
sort of rush in and do all the inviting and all the reaching out but you're talking about
a special set of circumstances where people might very well be interested in being friends with you
but because of your physical challenge they're confused or they don't know what you can do and
it might be limiting them a little bit and making them self-conscious about asking you things.
And I thought about what was a good suggestion for you and I think that this is something that
actually everybody can do who's facing something around reciprocation I learned this technique
from a friend who put out there that she would like to see more of her friends and she listed
five different things that she would like to do and she just said anybody who'd like to do it let
me know by the time I got back to her she didn't have time for me anymore because so many people
once they heard the suggestion of what she wanted to do I think she put her availability I can do
this on Saturday mornings or Sunday afternoons and and her calendar began to fill up so I encourage
you to try that sometimes people need a little help they just need a little help and I think
especially with kovid a lot of people have gotten rusty and a little bit weird about invitations
and getting together and it'll be interesting to see how we recover from this long period of time
when we were encouraged to be afraid of catching diseases from each other just from being around
so Amy let us know how it goes let us know what you decide to do and how you share it with
people and what happens because whatever you make successful is going to be helpful for everybody in
this community to learn how to how to re-engage and how to help break through people's shyness
and rustiness around getting together after covid all right thank you for that a second letter
that I have on the theme of of connecting with people when there's a challenge in the way is
from someone named Anthony and Anthony is 32 years old and here's here's his letter it's a bit long
hi there I was adopted I have autoimmune disease bulimia I'm over that now cptsd
and seven years in prison I feel like I always have to explain myself to others very rare is
the person who does not make me feel like I need to explain why I am a certain way or how and why
people trigger me the gaps in my life and work history for example and why I can't eat certain
foods like an autoimmune or an eating disease or an eating disorder limitation I'm at the point
where I can handle my stuff but what I find is that others can't I don't have anything to hide
and of course I want understanding appreciation acceptance recognition I often feel like
if I only reveal certain aspects of who I am and why I am the way I am then I'm
selling myself short and leading people to feel like I deceived them or let them down
all in all I grow weary of explaining myself and was just wondering if it's worth it to do so
I do meet people who don't make me feel like I need to explain myself and I was thinking
that maybe the people who do make me feel like I do need to explain just aren't worth my time
but that also doesn't feel right some people who I really trust and I know care about me
have told me to write a book about my life so maybe that would help and I could just tell people
read the book I'd appreciate some guidance on this one um Anthony I'm so proud of you for doing
all of this after seven years in prison that's really great your resilience is amazing and it's
an example to all of us so I totally know what you mean about feeling like you have to explain things
I had some tragedies in my life that were sort of shameful and to me I think I used to over explain
and over talk them because I think in my mind I felt like it was very visible from the outside
that something terrible had happened and I felt a little bit ashamed of it and I would always
feel like well let me explain but let me explain and nobody was actually asking for an explanation
most of the people that I was getting to know casually first of all it was amazing if they were
interested enough to ask questions about me and I will get to your question about this but just
working from the outside in people don't often ask a lot of questions I do know what you mean
how when you eat a certain way for example other people can get very triggered by that and start
to over involve themselves and what are you eating why are you eating that and shouldn't
you eat this and you know this friend of mine and Tim Ferriss said and da da and I'm sure
you get that all the time and I bet you know what your boundaries are about it and I bet
you have strategies to say something and what I found is that the more that I have confidence
about how I choose to to roll you know what I'm doing with my life what I'm eating what I'm doing
the less people question what I'm doing that really there's some sort of interaction with
my uncertainty and my insecurity about what I'm doing and what other people think about
it that that's kind of telegraphing to them that there's a problem that for them to get involved in
and it's been amazing to me how how much people kind of back off when they see that I'm confident
and comfortable now with the seven years in prison wow that is that's a huge thing and
I can see how it is necessary to tell people about it if you're going to be close to them at all
not necessary to tell them if you're not going to be close to them or they're not your employer or
anything where it's legally required and so this is another one where the same my same idea applies
is that the more that you have acceptance and confidence about where you are right now
the more you're going to know the right time to reveal truth about yourself the right time in a
relationship to start to give them a little bit of information and you can think of the information
about yourself as a carton of eggs and so rather than just say here here's the whole carton of
eggs here's everything about me I just you know have this need to tell you everything you can
and this goes for everybody you can they have a basket you have a thing of eggs and you can put
one egg in the basket just one okay and you can see how they do with that and then
you know so it might be the fact that you were in prison
and then keep discussing things and let them get to know you better before you tell them more like
why were you in prison what happened while you were there how did you end up getting out
was it difficult I'm sure you know everybody has questions and from that place where you have that
sort of trust and you're contained as a person it's so much easier to get close to somebody
getting close to people requires boundaries and this is an example of a boundary of measuring
out that information about yourself now in the in the course on dating and relationships that
I teach for people with childhood ptsd I tell the exact same advice if there was trauma in your past
you don't have to tell it all on the first date there are some things that do need to be told
pretty early in a relationship and that would be stuff like whether you are seeking to get
married or you don't want to get married whether you're seeking to have children or you don't want
to have children whether you're already married whether you're actually available those are the
types of things that you want to tell early on but trauma that happened in the past doesn't have
to be told early on you can take more time with that it doesn't directly affect whether there's
a potential there and you can just get to know people so when you talk about that feeling like I
have to explain to people and the people who make me feel that way maybe I should just get rid of
I'm going to encourage you to stick it out with those people a little longer something you might
want to try if you haven't already is my daily practice because what is so powerful about it it's
a way that you can take those worried thoughts the fearful and resentful thoughts and that might be
you know fear what people think resentment at how you know what happened to you and your experience
stigmatizes you or keeps you separate from any given person that you're trying to be close to all
of that goes on paper and you have less of it and you have more of that state that I'm talking about
of self-acceptance of contained self-sovereignty that instinctive sense like he's got that he's got
mastery over himself I sense that he is good and safe for me to be around and that's kind of what
I think I would want to feel around somebody if I heard they had a history in prison like
are you good now are you all together now have you transcended whatever got you into that situation
and are you safe are you emotionally calm inside and I think that's what I would want to know about
anybody I met who had had something intense or traumatic happen including prison in their past is
are you have you processed that have you achieved self-mastery over it do you know
how you feel about it and it's not going to leak out from you all over in terms of like
pain or anger or acting out that's that's what all of us are looking for in people that we want to
be close to that's what we're looking for if we're healthy right if we got a good cab light and we're
you know perceiving who's a safe and healthy person so I think you're on a great track and
I encourage you don't don't get rid of the people who make you feel self-conscious about that yet
lose a little bit more of the fear and resentment about it and just see if more self-mastery and
more self-confidence around who you are today just takes care of it for you and puts you at
ease about talking to people like that sometimes that feeling is not really coming from other
people it's a projection I'm not going to say all the time I'm sure you get judged for this right
but sometimes it's a projection you know we just think I'm sure they think blah blah blah about me
now I have to explain they might not be thinking that and with less fear and less resentment you
have clearer you have clearer perception of that so give that a try also just like with Amy I'd
really like to hear back from you and hear how it goes so thank you for writing in Amy and Anthony
uh on the theme of connection good luck to you and thank you for contributing your stories to
help all of us learn to reconnect with people better if you want to learn more about connection
I have this video right here you want to be sure to check out and I will see you very soon.
you