-Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. You made it. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
This is so exciting.
The former First Lady, Michelle Obama is my guest
tonight on the show!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, my goodness.
Earlier today, I texted Michelle and I got a message that said,
"We're sorry. The number you reached is totally made up."
[ Laughter ]
It must be weird for Michelle to not be running for president
and have no interest in running for president
but also be outpolling everyone who wants to be president.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
She's here to promote her new book called
"The Light We Carry."
It's about how we all have light within us.
And it's also about how Joe Biden spent eight years
walking around with his iPhone flashlight on.
It's like, "I can't -- I don't know how to turn it off.
Jill! Jill! How do I --" [ Laughter ]
Well, let's get to some news.
President Biden and the First Lady
just released their tax returns,
which show that they made less money than the year before.
When he heard, Biden was like, "Friggin' Biden."
[ Laughter ]
Biden's tax returns were pretty interesting.
Under "gifts received,"
he wrote "nowhere near what Clarence Thomas got."
[ Laughter ]
-Goodness!
-Then under "dependents," Biden wrote,
"I only wear them when I know I won't be near a bathroom."
-Ohhh! -That's too much information.
That's too much information. TMI.
Some news from overseas --
Kim Jong-un said that North Korea's
first military spy satellite is ready for launch.
Keep in mind, a North Korean spy satellite
is just a GoPro on a tennis ball.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it would be like that remote control helicopter
you got for Christmas, you know?
Give it five minutes before it gets stuck in a tree, you know?
Ah, forget it. Some business news --
I saw that Google is about to release
their first ever foldable phone.
Yep. The phone is amazing.
They say it folds faster than Fox News in court.
-Hey! Ohh! Come on!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ka-ching!
-You guys see this? According to a LinkedIn report,
Amazon is the best company in the U.S. to work for.
[ Audience murmuring ]
Every Amazon employee was like, "I love it here"
then blinked the Morse code for "help."
[ Laughter ]
Amazon is actually a great place to work, unless you're a box.
[ Laughter ]
Happy Mother's Day.
Some entertainment news --
Netflix announced that in the coming months
they will roll out paid password sharing in the U.S.
Paid password sharing? [ Audience boos ]
Yeah, because that's what everyone wants to do.
Pay their ex 12 bucks a month. Right?
[ Laughter ]
Some more entertainment news --
I read that HBO just started casting
their new TV series reboot of "Harry Potter."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Believe it or not, we actually got a sneak peek
at some of the choices that they've made.
Check these out. In the reboot,
Harry Potter will be played by
Jorge Santos.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, Lucius Malfoy will be played
by Marjorie Taylor Greene.
[ Laughter, cheers ]
Here's another. Voldemort will be played by
Jeff Bezos.
[ Laughter ]
Mr. Ollivander will be played by
Bernie Sanders. [ Laughter ]
Here's another. Mad-Eye Moody will be played by
Rudy Giuliani.
[ Laughter ]
Of course, Peter Pettigrew will be played by
Boris Johnson. [ Laughter ]
Here's another. Madame Maxime will be played
by Las Vegas Raiders owner Mark Davis.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Dobby will be played by
King Charles. [ Laughter ]
I'm excited. I think this is going to be good, real good.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Speaking of King Charles, this is exciting.
The official dish of his coronation has been announced,
and it is coronation quiche. -Mmm!
-Yep. King Charles actually released his very own recipe.
-Really? -Yeah. Here it is. Step one...
There you go. That's the recipe.
That's how you do it, huh?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mwah!
And finally, scientists in New York
just discovered a method to prevent hair from turning gray.
One guy heard and was like,
"That method is don't become president."
[ Laughter ] There you go, everybody.