You're walking down the street one day when you spot a cute puppy doing something adorable.
Immediately, you know you have to share this with everybody you know, because puppies are
awesome and the internet needs more of them.
You whip out your phone and start to record what's sure to be a viral hit of a puppy doing
something cute, and satisfied with the result, you move to upload directly to your instagram.
But something's wrong.
The video isn’t loading.
It's stuck at 13% for like... five minutes now.
You check your reception and sure enough, you've got one bar- but how is this possible?
You always have full bars almost everywhere you go in your city, and even when you only
have two or three bars of service your internet is definitely still fast enough to upload
a short video.
That's when you see it, and a cold, creeping chill shivers its way up your spine.
Right there, next to your one bar of reception.. one, single, dreaded word: T-Mobile.
You try to calm down, how can this be?
You were just enjoying lighting fast cell phone service yesterday.
You need answers- but first you need to sit, because you're about to have a panic attack.
Waving your phone frantically around in the air, hoping to magically get enough reception
to make a call, you finally manage to get through to your mother.
When she answers you can only gasp out in panic, “why?!”.
Your mother chastises you on the other end of the line, though it's hard to hear because
she keeps cutting out... despite the fact your house is literally like two blocks away.
“Oh honey,” she says, “T-mobile had such a great deal, five hundred family lines
for like two dollars!”.
Yes I know they have great deals, that's how they get you!
But you can't yell at your poor mother for being suckered in by the snake oil salesmen
of cellular service providers.
She can't possibly know that T-mobile offers cutthroat rates on purpose to lure people
in, lock them and their first borns into lifelong contracts, and then give them the most horrible
cell service in return.
Suddenly, you feel a hand on your shoulder and hear a low, grim chuckle.
You slowly turn around, the figure behind you casting a shadow over you.
It's him... or 'it'.
It's T-mobile, a monstrous being embodying all of the world's pain, misery, and suffering.
And it's laughing at you.
“I got you, and your dear, sweet mother, for life!”.
With a sinking feeling you realize it's true, there's practically no way to break a T-mobile
contract because their service contracts are signed in the blood of an unbaptized infant
and enforced by Satan himself.
T-mobile laughs at you, taunting you.
“Go ahead, kid,” the monster says, “call for help... you'll get no reception!”
So your mother got suckered into a contract with the most awful cellphone company in the
world, and now you must free your bloodline from eternal bondage to the monster that is
T-mobile.
How are you going to fight and defeat T-mobile?
On paper, T-mobile has the third largest coverage in the US, behind AT&T and Verizon.
Only Sprint has less coverage than T-mobile, with T-mobile covering approximately 62% of
the United States with 4G coverage.
Verizon on the other hand leads the pack with 70% coverage, and AT&T has 68% coverage.
Despite T-mobile's wide coverage, it's a well-known fact that actually getting good reception
even within their coverage area is next to impossible.
That's because unlike other cellular service companies who place their cell towers at even
intervals across cities and the countryside, T-mobile's cell towers are actually situated
in hell itself, leading to poor reception as the cell signal has to penetrate hundreds
of miles of bedrock to get to Satan's fiery realm of doom and demise where it can be picked
up by T-mobile's cellular data network towers.
As a new T-mobile customer, you'll no doubt be dealing with their customer service department
quite frequently.
Unfortunately for you, T-mobile also outsources its customer service to the sixth circle of
hell, where heretics are punished for eternity.
Which is typically how long you'll have to wait to get on the line with one of the damned,
though even if you manage to actually get a hold of a customer service rep, you'll no
doubt be notified that the problem is clearly with your phone and not their service.
Then they'll probably try to possess your soul but thanks to the poor reception, won't
be able to.
You're probably surprised to hear that T-mobile currently has the largest coverage in the
US for 5G service, and 5G promises to absolutely revolutionize everything we do with technology
thanks to lightning fast data transfer rates up to entire gigabytes a second.
Wait, you say to yourself, how could the world's worst cell company which can't even guarantee
regular network coverage if you're so much as 5 feet away from one of their towers, possibly
have the largest 5g network in the nation?!
Something's not quite right here.
And you're right, because while T-mobile's current 5G network is faster than 4G, it's
not 'true' 5G as it doesn't use the same high frequency waves required for real 5G.
It's basically an impostor 5g network, while other companies are trying to build real networks
T-mobile can claim it's already done the work and that it has the largest coverage- so far.
Then helpless suckers like your mom will sign up for their service, because who doesn't
want the largest 5g coverage in the nation?- only to discover that, oops, did T-mobile
forget to mention it's not actually 5g?
But hey, it's ok because T-mobile promises it'll upgrade to true 5G in time.
How much time?
Well, given their track record, T-mobile will probably have you zooming along on 5G by the
time that humanity has evolved telepathy and no longer requires cell phones.
So how are you going to defeat T-mobile and end their reign of awfulness and terror?
Should you target their cell towers and sabotage their ability to do business?
First, like we mentioned, their towers are actually located in the black heart of hell
itself, along with their customer service department and company headquarters- so they're
a little out of reach.
Second, T-mobile cell towers are not made of steel and aluminum like regular cell towers,
they're constructed from the bones of Hell's most vile denizens- mass murderers, terrorists,
Hitler, and people who don't courtesy flush when dropping a deuce in a public toilet.
The bones infuse the cell towers with unholy evil, which is part of the reason why their
service is so terrible.
Forget the towers then, maybe you can strike out at their stores.
Maybe you can sabotage them at point-of-sale, end their business operations at the source?
Well, good luck with that because T-mobile sales people are not flesh and blood human
beings.
They are genetic husks created in a specialized clone lab so that they can be used to play
host to legions of demons and unholy spirits.
But these evil dead don't want to possess you, no they have a far greater torment in
store for you- they want you to sign a contract for T-mobile service.
Each time you do a good deed, an angel gets its wings- each time a T-mobile contract is
singed, a demon receives its horns and the thin barrier separating earth from the fiery
realm of hell is eroded just a little bit further, until the day the barrier collapses
completely and Hell's armies walk the earth, dooming everyone to an eternity of T-mobile
cell phone service.
So how can you defeat T-mobile?
Well, you can't.
It's far too ancient an evil, with its roots in a lost chapter of the book of Genesis,
where Satan tried to call Eve and tempt her to eat the forbidden fruit only he couldn't
get service- because T-mobile- and thus had to do it in person.
T-mobile is, much like Satan, a thorn on the side of humanity.
An evil purposefully allowed to run rampant by God so that we can be tested by temptation
and evil, and mature spiritually by learning to resist and walk in faithful obedience.
T-mobile will sadly continue to victimize humanity with horrible cell phone service
until Judgment Day, when both T-mobile and the Beast will be tossed into a fiery pit
for eternity.
But that's a long way away, and we're sorry to say, but you're doomed.
I mean, you could try breaking the contract and getting out early, but you'll quickly
see that while their services are cutthroat cheap, the penalties for breaking a contract
are insanely steep.
The best you can do now is warn others, because it's too late for you.
Want to know how to defeat another horrible evil?
Check out our video You versus Freddy Fazbear!
Or check out this other video instead for a change of pace!