J: Hi, everyone.
C: Hello.
J: Welcome to Pride Week!
J: Yay! C: Yay!
C: I should be wearing something more like colorful like you.
J: Oh hang on
J: You actually look great Claud.
C: Oh thanks.
J: So this week, Saturday is Brighton Pride.
Yeah. So we thought we'd do a whole load of videos about gayness.
So today's video is going to be: Advice to our Teenage-selves.
Little gay baby selves.
And then tomorrow, I've got Pride make up look.
And on Saturday, we have our favorite lesbian films.
Also this week, we are going to be at "Summer in the City."
C: Woo!
J: Yay!
And I'm going be on a panel about disabilities on YouTube.
C: Exciting!
J: That's very exciting!
And then we have to come but it's the same day as Brighton Pride.
So we miss the parade. Ugh.
But then I'll be coming back. We get to party.
C: Well last year I missed Pride because I had my hen party.
J: Yeah, you did.
C: Well now, yeah, I would've missed the parade for two years running.
J: Aw!
C: We'll have to go next year.
J: Yeah.
C: Maybe we'll be on a float next year. I don't know why but we might be.
The first year we started dating, she went past on the float and you were like dancing next to-
She looked very refined and in this like blue dress showing off her like shoulders and neck.
And then you were like dancing next to this like man in angel wings.
J: Very very naked angel.
C: In tiny little like Y fronts. And I was like okay...
J: With the holes cut out for his bum.
C: Oh yeah.
J: Yeah. Good times.
C: I wasn't distracted by him at all because all I could see was you.
J: You're a cutie pie.
C: Even though he was like, look at my bum!
J: So some advice for our teenage selves.
Because lots of you guys ask us for advice and you're younger than us
So we thought, what would be actually say to ourselves when we were younger?
C: I would've had to tell my like current boyfriend like...
Apparently I'm gay in the future so I didn't really wear the sleeves in this so I'm afraid.
J: That would have been awkward.
I think my main piece of advice to my teenage self would be stop falling in love with your best friends.
I think that's a common lesbian complaint though.
C: I don't know. But why would you tell yourself to stop falling in love with your best friends?
J: Because it never ended well.
C: Yeah but that's just part of you like learning about your emotions and learning about sexuality.
J: Ugh but do it once...
C: Like if you didn't fall in love with any of your best friends, how would you know what you liked and what you didn't like?
J: I don't think you have to go to a constant cycle of unrequited love for 10 years just to learn that lesson.
C: Aww.
J: I mean, clearly I did because I didn't learn that lesson.
C: I think I would've told my teenage self like maybe like sorry and like go and go live in some like more liberal-minded town.
So, I wanted to do sound and lighting for the school.
Um, but...
So what you do is basically doing all the plays and school assemblies.
Like anything where we had anything on stage or like people with microphones, you'd have like some students up in this little bit.
That like look down on everyone. Like you have in a theater.
And they'd control it all with these like special things.
And yeah. Everyone in that little pod tend to be quite like geeky and nerdy.
I kind of just wanted to be- I wasn't like, I want to be part of that group. It was like I just want to do that job.
My sister, who was four years above me in school and she was like one of the cool girls,
Was like, "Claudia, that's like social suicide. Like only like the real nerds do that. And you'll be just like a recluse."
And I was like, oh okay.
So then I didn't do it. But actually, I wish I had just done it because it was something that I was passionate about.
And actually maybe I belong in that little group of nerds like you know.
J: Yeah. Maybe you did.
C: Yeah.
J: I did sound and lighting.
C: Well see! There you go.
J: Did you feel kind of pushed into being girly and a bit more? Because your older sister is very girly.
C: Maybe she got annoyed with me like pulling her hair and like playing.
When I'd like to play like Indians and things and shes like, "nah."
J: I think there's such a big difference in your childhood photos.
We looked at our child, which you can see in that video.
And you're really like, yeah! I'm gonna wear my tomboy clothes! Gonna do my tomboy stuff! Yeah!
C: Yeah.
J: And then suddenly you're like, I straighten my hair now.
C: Yeah. I know.
Well, I think that's just what your teenage-
I think when you get to be a teen you get kind of a bit more self-conscious.
And you feel that you meant to fit into a role, like a type.
J: One thing I would say to myself, and this is kind of the opposite of advice most people give you,
But I always thought it was really special when you kiss someone and it had to be really important and meaningful.
And you couldn't just go on a date with someone just for the experience.
Because it was like, oh my God it would mean so much. It's such a big deal. Oh my God!
And so I think I missed out on a lot of opportunities.
You know, I'd meet a girl randomly, ooh she's a lesbian too. Ooh we could kiss.
And I'd be like, no no. But I shouldn't because she might not be the one.
So now I've got like a few, only a very few experiences.
C: Yeah but I think that's just-
J: In my dating past.
C: Yeah.
J: I think it would have been-
C: I think that's like a personality thing. Isn't it?
J: Yeah.
C: Rather than like- because you already knew you were gay. Just like you were like yeah.
Now in hindsight, you can be- you wish- now you found your one and you're happy.
J: Yeah.
C: You're kind of like, ah I wish I had been a bit more reckless and a bit more like of a....
Oh
Bit more like, happy go lucky.
J: Yeah. I wish I could go back in time and tell younger me it is actually going to be okay.
And you are not going to be alone forever.
Especially when- What? That was a genuine concern.
Especially when I became really ill because I was like, oh my God, okay. Already I am a lesbian.
So the pool of people that I can date is now this.
And then also I'm a femme lesbian, so it has to be someone that likes femmes.
And then I also like to date feminine lesbians, so then this pool is getting even smaller.
And then I have to find someone who is now totally okay with having a girlfriend who is like deaf, partially blind, breaks all the time.
Just generally ill and a bit rubbish and useless. And then I was like, I don't think there's anyone in the world.
C: Aw.
J: There's such a tiny little group of people.
C: Look at you. You're amazing!
J: Thank you darling.
C: Well, you're just filtering out like people that are compatible or not compatible.
J: That's true.
C: It doesn't matter if it was a disability reason that they said hmm.
It could be like your different views on politics or different views on current affairs.
Or your different family values like just something someone says.
Then you think, yeah we're not compatible.
It might not have even been about your disabilities, it might been about your radical like left-wing views or something. You know?
Like, It could've been- you think, oh it's my disabilities that they didn't like.
But that's because that's your insecurity.
J: Yeah, okay.
I'll give you that.
C: Yeah.
J: I'll give you that.
Actually, speaking of insecurities. I would like to go back in time and tell teenage Jessica she is not useless.
It's okay. Ignore everyone when they tell you that you are.
C: I think I might still be in denial, I'm not really sure.
Because if I look back, I can't think of much that I want to tell myself.
Because I feel like I had quite a nice like teenage self.
Like I know I wasn't out, but that's why like maybe if I had know I was gay, but wasn't able to come out.
Then I'd be able to go back and tell myself all these things but like I was quite happy.
J: Good.
That's okay. You don't have to.
C: I don't really have any regrets that I need to go back and say.
J: I don't know that it's about... yeah.
I don't think it's about regrets so much as being even happier, being even better.
J: Well, I probably would have told myself to like when I didn't get into medical school
To like just like not be like, oh no. I feel like a failure and I don't want to be like the only one who doesn't go to Uni.
I wish I could just tell myself that like you don't have to go to Uni like with everybody else in a group.
Like it's all there. It's still an opportunity for next year.
J: Take a gap year, breathe.
C: Yeah. I think it would've really done me much better if I had just done a gap year.
Or applied to do like foundation art school. Other thing, I would have really liked that.
I think, to be honest, I would have done like foundation art school that would have been like my gap year.
Because that would have been like exploring myself.
And what I liked more and in a creative environment compared to an academic one.
J: Other than running head on into more education.
C: Yeah exactly. And then just getting stuck down this like path like intense academia.
That's what it's like. You know at a prestigious Uni and then having all the pressure of that.
So it's like a- like a high pressure school and then went to a high pressure Uni.
So basically when I graduated from like dentistry, then I was like, yeah you know what...
I'M GAY!
It just like came out. Like pretty much.
I think I was just so busy and stuff with all of that.
But I wish I could given myself- if I had given myself that year after my A levels.
Then maybe I would have discovered like that creative section and micro sexuality self.
J: Yeah. Like you actually had time to think about.
C: Yeah. Cuz I think when you come out it's not just your sexuality.
It's lots of different classes of yourselves that maybe come hand-to-hand with your sexuality.
Because that's a confidence thing.
J: Yeah. I think people treat you differently.
Like you've said people treat you differently once you come out than before and in a good way.
Because it felt like you were sort of crushing down a part of yourself before and hiding it.
C: Yeah.
J: Even though you weren't aware, people can pick up on the fact you're holding something back, even if you don't know what that is.
C: And I used to go out a lot.
And I think, I think a lot of people who like really like going out partying when you're a teenager and like a student.
If you like partying too much, is it something that because you're like unhappy about something within yourself?
Or are you just a big partier?
You know?
J: Any and all of the above.
C: Like now, I'm like really happy to just stay in and watch like Netflix.
J: Netflix and chill
C: I would have told myself not to date some of the boys I dated because they were like really not very nice.
Not like they were like horrible men. They were all like fine. They were all harmless.
But like they were really not that attractive.
And I don't know why I dated them. I think it was just like an experimental thing.
J: Yeah, I had crushes on a lot of not very attractive girls. Just because I knew that they were bisexual or gay.
I was just like, okay!
You're the only other lesbian in this group of 500 people. I fancy you now. I'm so alone.
C: I'm pretty sure, seeing I went to like an all-girls school, there would be quite a few gay people.
But I might have such a- like back then, I had such a bad- I wasn't on the look out. I had such-
Probably, I had my head in the sand, so that my gaydar was like nonexistent.
J: (sarcastically) Cuz your gaydar now is so great.
C: Even when I was like before I came out but like knew I was interested.
Like I would just always second it, like would doubt myself.
Like if I saw someone looking at me or were at a bar or something.
J: Ah. Like someone checking you out, you'd just be like no no, can't be that.
C: Yeah.
Well it's also because I got drunk and then I basically asked a girl out and she's like, "I'm not gay."
So that kind of like squashed me a bit.
J: Crushed!
C: I was like, I don't trust anyone!
Thank God for internet dating.
J: Yes! Jesus!
C: Where you can like select your profile.
J: I think I would say that to my teenage self as well. Get on the internet a bit more.
C: Yeah. Otherwise the only other way before the internet existed and dating apps
where you could state your sexual preference, like we would have to- really have to depend on going to Pride.
J: Yeah.
C: Because we don't- and we've had to make it-
J: And then awkwardly, we'd of course like the one girl who's there that's like, "I'm just with my gay friends. I'm straight."
We'd be like, grrrr!
Of course you are.
C: Well I would probably be like the one gay friend with all my straight friends.
And then no one would approach me because they think oh, that's just a group of straight people.
And I'd be like, nooo!
J: I'm gay!
When I was a teenager, I really genuinely used to wish that people went around with their sexual orientation on a T-shirt.
Just everyone! Everyone should have a little label.
Gay.
Single.
Fancies dot dot dot.
C: Well you know like in like Indian culture, they wear like bindis.
And like it's like a red bindi is like... I'm probably going to get this wrong.
But like one kind of bindi means you're available, then another color bindi means you're married,
and another color bindi means you're a widow.
Yeah. We have to look up on this or someone please tell us on the comments.
J: Yes please. Someone in the comments, let us know.
But yeah, I'd quite like that at Pride. If we could all code ourselves.
C: They do have those like student traffic light parties. Don't they?
Green if you're single and available and amber if you're like, what?
J: Which is quite like hetero-normative cuz it is just assuming you're straight.
C: You could go to like a traffic light gay party.
J: *gasp* They should have a love island where everyone is bisexual.
Anyone could get with anyone!
I think my final piece of advice would be, don't panic.
Generally when you're- when you're young, everything is such a big deal.
Like my GCSE's, that was such a big deal.
Oh my God. GCSE is such a big deal. Oh my God. A-level's such a big deal.
C: I know but like you can't really tell someone that.
J: And you don't get what you want.
C: I remember telling myself when I have- I told myself and I was teenager, when I have kids
I'm going to try and remember what it was like for them. I'm not going to be that annoying adult that says, "Look."
"GCSE's matter but they don't matter in the grand scheme of things."
"When you're my age, you'll realize blah blah blah."
And like because actually, when you're a teenager, that is all your life and that's all you know.
And that is the biggest thing going on. So...
J: No... Yeah, okay. I get that. But at the same time...
C: You can't say, ah don't worry about it. Because you do have to worry about it.
J: I mean like more like worry after the fact.
C: After the fact?
J: Yeah. So you know, like I really struggled through my A levels because I was so ill.
And then I didn't get the results I wanted and was supposed to get and it was heartbreaking.
And I was so upset about it, I cried for a month type of thing.
But in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter because I got into University anyway.
Because they're like, we understand it was a bit hard. And I got a job that I didn't even need to write a CV for.
No one cares about my exapps.
We'll just say, if it goes wrong.
It's okay. There are ways around a problem
If it goes right, like for you, excellent!
Also, you might come out, don't panic.
C: Also that's the same, you can use that for gayness, you be like if it goes right,
as in you make a move on your best friend, then great!
If it goes wrong,
Don't worry. Like if you're really good friends, you're still friends. It might be awkward for a bit.
But it shouldn't really...
J: Or do what I did and find a new best friend.
C: That means you're not really a true friend. You're just after one thing.
J: Yeah...
I'm a really good friend now. Right?
C: Jessica was a mean girl at school.
J: Well...
C: She was the nice- apparently she described herself as the nice one of the mean girls.
Alright. The more sympathetic one.
J: Yes.
C: I was like an in-between-er. Like I wasn't a cool girl. I wasn't a complete nerd.
I think I liked- me and my friends liked to think we were the coolest because we were like not in a group.
J: You're all the leftovers.
So there you go. That was some advice about life stuff. Maybe it wasn't that useful or coherent, but we tried.
That's the advice we would give ourselves as teenagers.
C: We're just too excited about Pride.
J: We are. Yeah, we're wearing rainbows. Yay!
Oh, there's gonna be a dog involved.
Yeah, I think it sounds a bit corny but I think my advice would be, it gets better.
C: (singing) Things can only get better.
You're not gonna sing the next line?
J: Sorry?
C: You're not going to sing the next line?
J: Oh, I missed it. What?
Deaf.
So I will see you tomorrow with my Pride makeup look.
C: Oooh
J: Tahdah!
And we will see you on Saturday, where we discus lesbian films.
High five.