OH, YOU'RE IN FOR A TREAT BECAUSE HERE TONIGHT MAKING HER
TELEVISION DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY FUNNY EMMA WILLMANN!
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH!
THANK YOU, GUYS!
AWESOME!
I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE ON YOUR LIVE SHOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NICE.
THIS IS GREAT.
MY NAME IS EMMA WILLMANN, AND IF I SAY IT TOO FAST IT SOUNDS LIKE
I SAID I'M A WOMAN.
( LAUGHTER ) SO SOMETIMES I'LL MEET PEOPLE
AND THEY WILL BE, LIKE, YEAH, THAT'S COOL, I WAS PRETTY SURE.
( LAUGHTER ) GOOD TO MEET YOU.
I GET SO FRUSTRATED WHEN PEOPLE THINK I'M TRYING TO LOOK LIKE
ELLEN DEGENERES.
IT'S SO FRUSTRATING BECAUSE I'M TRYING SO HARD TO LOOK LIKE NICK
CARTER, YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NICK!
I'M FROM A TINY TOWN ORIGINALLY.
I GREW UP IN A TOWN OF 800 PEOPLE.
WE WOULD HAVE NEWSPAPER HEADLINES THAT WOULD READ LIKE
THIS -- THE THIEF HAS BEEN ARRESTED -- IT WAS RICK!
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ALWAYS RICK, EVERY TIME.
THAT'S THE THIEF, RICK.
WE HAD A GAY PRIDE ONCE IN MY TOWN AND IT WAS ONE PERSON
SKIPPING DOWN MAIN STREET, THAT WAS IT.
ONE PERSON SKIPPING AND EVERYONE WAS, LIKE, GO, STEVE, GO!
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN A PROTESTER SHOWED UP
JUST WALKING AFTER HIM, AND WE'RE GOING, STEVE, SKIP FASTER,
GO, GO, GO!
THE PROTESTER WAS YELLING AT HIM, LIKE, SCOP STOP SKIPPING!
AND THE PROTESTER WAS HIS FATHER!
( LAUGHTER ) I USED TO GO BACK AND FORTH WHEN
I WOULD COME OUT OF CLOSET IN MY STANDUP, BUT NOW I DO IT RIGHT
AWAY BECAUSE I DON'T WANT ANYONE SITTING AND WONDERING IF I'M AN
AWKWARD LOOKING STRAIGHT GIRL, YOU KNOW.
THINK HOW WEIRD IT WOULD GET IN HERE IF I WAS, LIKE, GUYS, I'M
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MEN.
YEAH.
YOU WOULD BE, LIKE, SURE, I WOULD HOPE SO, ACTUALLY, YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I HATE THAT STEREOTYPE THAT
LESBIANS ARE MEAN TO MEN.
DO YOU THINK LESBIANS ARE MEAN TO MEN?
HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A STRAIGHT MARRIED WOMAN OVER 45?
MEAN TO MEN?
GIVE HER SOME WHITE ZINFANDEL, SHE'LL COMMIT A HATE CRIME, SHE
DOESN'T CARE.
SHE IS PISSED!
GET HER ALL SAUCET UP AND SHE'S GOING IN!
SHE'S, LIKE, HE'S A TYPICAL MAN, A MORE RON WHO CAN'T COMMUNE
CAIRKTS DOESN'T PULL HIS WEIGHT AROUND THE HOUSE.
YOU'RE GOING, OKAY, LADY, WELL, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR SON
AND HE'S A TODDLER, SO SCALE IT BACK.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW BUT I
WAS SINGLE FOR A LONG TIME, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE OF MY SCHEDULE AND
MY PERSONALITY, WHATEVER, WHATEVER.
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST GET SO CONFUSED.
I'M ALWAYS IN A STATE OF CONFUSION BECAUSE I'M DYSLEXIC.
WHICH MEANS I CONFUSE LEFT AND RIGHT, AND RIGHT AND WRONG, YOU
KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I ALWAYS TRY TO BLAME THINGS ON
MY DYSLEXIA CONSTANTLY.
I'M, LIKE, I DIDN'T KNOW I'M DYSLEXIC!
I'M AN IDIOT, I DIDN'T KNOW!
I GET SO CONFUSED WITH DYSLEXIA!
DO I PAY IN THE STORE, OUT OF THE STORE?
WHAT DO I DO?
( LAUGHTER ) ONE TIME BEING DYSLEXIC WAS
AMAZING.
I GOT STOPPED AT A ASSOCIATE CHECKPOINT, JUST A RANDOM STOP,
AND I GOT NERVOUS, AND THEN THE COP GOES, TO PROVE YOU HAVEN'T
BEEN DRINKING, I WANT YOU TO DO THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS -- OOH!
I'M SUPER DYSLEXIC.
I'M, LIKE, NO PROBLEM, BUDDY, THAT'S HOW I WAS GOING TO DO
IT, ANYWAY. THIS IS GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) MY MOM WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT
TONIGHT.
SHE CALLS ME UP, LEAVES ME THIS LITTLE VOICE MESSAGE, BUT I
NOTICE EVERY TIME SHE LEAVES ME A VOICE MESSAGE, EVERY TIME, SHE
IDENTIFIES HERSELF.
EVERY MESSAGE.
LIKE, I WOULD GET A MESSAGE FROM MY OWN MOTHER AND BE, LIKE, WHO
IS THIS?
EVERY MESSAGE STARTS, HEY, IT'S YOUR MOTHER.
IT'S YOUR MOTHER!
LIKE ANYONE ELSE CALLING ME UP SAYING, HEY, JUST LOOKING AT YOU
IN THE PICTURES WHEN YOU WERE A BABY.
YOU WERE VERY CUTE.
CALL ME BACK IMMEDIATELY. YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS.
IT'S RODRIGUEZO YOUR LANDLORD!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪
>> Stephen: EMMA WILLMANN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!