- Is it all right to eat while we do this?
- [Lou] No.
- Anyone ever told you you look like a Giants fan?
Has anyone ever died from doing this?
[clicks and static hissing]
- [Interviewer] Is your name Jim Gaffigan?
- Yes.
- [Interviewer] Are you a standup comedian?
- Yes.
That would be sad if I was lying there.
- [Interviewer] Do you have the flop sweats right now?
- No, no, I always look like I'm sweating.
You know what I mean, right? - Yeah.
- [Interviewer] Are we all calibrated?
- [Lou] Yep.
- Let's begin. - Yes.
[boom]
- [Interviewer] Let's start with
[boom] your life.
- I've had one.
Not lately, but.
- [Interviewer] So you've lived in New York City
for the past 30 years, is that right?
- I have, I have.
- [Interviewer] Would you consider yourself a coastal elite?
- No, I do not.
- [Interviewer] Were you the youngest of six children?
- Yes.
- [Interviewer] Would you say
that you have youngest child syndrome?
- I don't even know what that is.
- [Interviewer] Do you ever feel forgotten
amongst such a big family?
- Well, one time, there was a tornado,
and
everyone in my family went to the basement
to hide from the tornado, and they forgot to wake me up, so.
- Deceptive.
- Why would I lie about that?
What am I gonna, oh, I gotta come in
and lie about a tornado?
Oh yeah, I saw that in a movie, it doesn't matter.
It happened in the movie.
- [Interviewer] And you have five kids of your own now.
- I do.
- [Interviewer] Are you equally close with all of them?
- Yes.
- [Interviewer] Do you know how you
would rank your kids from least to most favorite?
- I view them equally.
- [Interviewer] So you have five kids?
- I have five kids.
- And your parents had six? - Yes.
- [Interviewer] Does it bother you
that your parents were better at having kids than you?
- No, [chuckles] no.
- Deceptive.
- What?
That's ridiculous.
I'm not competing with my parents.
They started earlier.
- [Interviewer] You graduated from Georgetown
with a degree in finance, correct?
- I did, I did.
- [Interviewer] As a result of this,
are your responsible with your money?
- Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
- [Interviewer] Do you own any cryptocurrency?
- No, I don't.
- Bitcoin? - No.
- Dogecoin?
- Dogecoin? [chuckles]
I think I broke this.
Does it matter?
No, it's fine, go ahead.
Dogecoin, no.
- [Interviewer] Would you say we're
about to hit another recession?
- Yes.
- [Interviewer] Good to know.
- Yeah.
- [Interviewer] Next, let's talk about
[boom] your career.
You moved to New York to pursue comedy?
- Not initially, but yes, in the back of my mind,
I was thinking that.
- [Interviewer] And did David Letterman
have a big influence on that?
- I think so.
- [Interviewer] Is it true you auditioned
for his show for six years before you got on?
- That is true, that is true.
- [Interviewer] Does that mean you resent David?
- No, no.
- [Interviewer] Did you know that,
in 2016, you were the most popular comic on pandora.com?
- I think I had heard that, yes.
- [Interviewer] Is there pressure
that comes with that title?
- No.
I don't think, at that point, I didn't even knew
what Pandora was.
- [Interviewer] Do you think you
were the best-working comic in 2016?
- No.
- [Interviewer] How 'bout now?
- No.
- [Interviewer] Do you remember the first joke
you ever told?
- Yeah, I think I remember one of my first jokes onstage.
People would ask me why are you so white,
why are you so white?
And I'd say 'cause my father was a Q-tip.
- [Interviewer] That's humorous.
- Yeah, it was a first draft.
- [Interviewer] Is there a joke you've been trying
to make work for years, but it just won't land?
- I've been trying to make the Rust Belt funny,
which has never really worked because I think
that it's funny that this area of economic devastation
that someone decided to give it a cute name,
like Rust Belt and [chuckles lightly]
'cause there's a lot of rust there.
It doesn't feel appropriate, you know what I mean?
'Cause people are unemployed and--
- [Interviewer] Maybe give it some more time.
- I don't know if it'll ever work.
But the people there will work, but not the joke.
- [Interviewer] You opened for this man,
the Pope, last year?
Is that correct?
- Yes, I think, yeah, at one point, yes.
- [Interviewer] Do you think he watched your set
from the Popemobile?
- I don't think so.
I met him.
I don't think he had any idea who I was.
There was a guy standing behind him speaking
in Italian or Spanish, going [speaks in foreign language],
and he just nodded.
And then I introduced to him to my mother-in-law,
and I won
best in-law ever.
- [Interviewer] Did you pray before you went onstage?
- No.
- Your wife, - Yes.
- [Interviewer] is your collaborator and co-writer,
- Yeah, yes. - is that correct?
Would you say that she's funnier than you?
- I think she's great.
- [Interviewer] Do you two
ever take your creative arguments home with you?
- Oh yeah, definitely.
- [Interviewer] Do you think she's ever fake laughed
at one of your jokes?
- I hope not.
She's pretty honest.
She'll say that's not funny.
Sometimes, she'll say that's not funny,
but I'm not even trying to be funny.
- [Interviewer] Have you ever fake laughed
at one of her jokes?
- No. [clears throat]
What is that doing?
- It's registering your pulse rate.
- What does that register as?
- It's your galvanic skin response.
- See?
What does that mean? - Sweating.
- Is that bad or good?
- It depends.
- Yeah.
- [Interviewer] Do you ever receive any fan letters?
- Yes, yes.
- [Interviewer] Do you write back?
- No. [laughs]
No, I don't. [laughs]
I used to.
How 'bout that?
I've got five kids.
- [Interviewer] Someone on Reddit started a thread asking
how they could sneak food to you during a show.
- Hmm. - Is that something
fans regularly attempt to do?
- It's waned a little bit.
Couple specials ago, I had a lot of jokes
on
donuts,
so that led to an influx of donuts.
Maybe with American Dreamer,
I'll get free Uber rides or Lyft rides.
- [Interviewer] When people would bring you food,
did you eat it?
- Sometimes, yes, I did.
It would be rude not to.
- [Interviewer] Do you ever get heckled?
- Not really, no.
- [Interviewer] Do you remember the last time you
were heckled?
- I don't know if I'd describe it as heckled.
It was just somebody verbalizing their reaction,
and I don't think they were intentional,
I don't think they were aware of it.
So I would say something, and they would go yes.
And I think they thought that they were doing it
under their breath, but they were speaking out loud.
So I don't know if that's a heckle
or if that's just human beings are insane.
- [Interviewer] Have you ever done anything onstage
where, looking back, you think that was hacky?
- Yeah, I'm sure there's stuff.
I'm always trying to improve.
I had jokes about my wife liking pillows
on a bed that I wasn't a fan of now.
I don't know, it's weird.
It's like old material I'm not really thrilled about
in general.
- [Interviewer] Why don't we move onto
[boom] philosophy.
Do you think you're stigmatized for being Catholic?
- Possibly.
There's so many reasons for someone not to be Catholic.
I don't have any resentment with someone finding it weird.
- If God was a comedian, - Yep.
- [Interviewer] do you think he would have a clean act?
- It depends Old or New Testament.
I think Old Testament, he'd be pretty edgy.
I think New Testament,
he might be much more observational
and maybe not necessary to curse.
- [Interviewer] Do you really think God forgives everyone?
- I hope so.
Like Dahmer, I don't know.
I don't know about that.
Like Hitler, he's like [exhales loudly].
Like Jesus like, I know I said everyone, but.
- [Interviewer] Should people be automatically granted mercy
if they apologize?
- [exhales loudly] It's not for me to decide.
I just like a scenario where I'm forgiven, so.
- [Interviewer] Would you say you're a better Catholic
than this man, Stephen Colbert?
- No, he's obviously a better Catholic
and smarter and all this stuff.
But I have more comedy specials than him.
- [Interviewer] You don't curse in your standup, right?
- I sure [beep] don't.
- [Interviewer] So I guess the same doesn't go
for your real life?
- That's [beep] right.
- [Interviewer] Do you think perfection is ever attainable?
- Obviously no,
but when you're as good looking as me,
you try to make other aspects
of your life achieve your looks.
- [Interviewer] Do you think you've
ever written a perfect joke?
- No 'cause I think comedy and humor are similar to liberty.
It's all moving and the context
is changing, so
what's funny today might be funny
in a different way tomorrow.
- [Interviewer] Is that the truth?
- He's telling the truth.
- [Interviewer] Now let's talk about
[boom] pop culture.
Do you have three million followers on Twitter?
- Yeah.
- [Interviewer] Does that make you feel validated?
- [exhales loudly] Not when I see
how many followers other people have.
But I appreciate it.
I don't know, am I doing this right?
- I'm not sure you feel validated.
- No.
- [Interviewer] Has a troll ever made you cry?
- No, but I don't really cry
'cause I don't really have human emotions.
- [Interviewer] Would you consider yourself meme literate?
- No.
- [Interviewer] If you had to take a shot at it,
how would you memify this photo?
- Oh, I would say gotta get home before I [beep] my pants.
- [Interviewer] Not bad, how about this one?
- When the fat guy tries to be cute.
- [Interviewer] Sounds like you are meme literate.
- I think I figured it out.
My hands are very sweaty, or what's the word you're using?
- It's galvanic skin response.
- You're not that smart, settle down.
- [Interviewer] Be honest,
have you ever taken a BuzzFeed quiz?
- I think I have, I think I have.
- [Interviewer] So do you know
which Disney princess you are?
- Well, I think everyone does.
- [Interviewer] Which one are you?
- I'm the wouldja one from Scotland.
Wouldja?
What's her name?
- Call yourself a man.
I did the Jane the Virgin thing,
what character am I in Jane the Virgin,
and I think I was Rujulio.
- [Interviewer] I don't know what that means.
You're an avid foodie.
- I eat a lot, yeah.
- [Interviewer] So if you're making a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich, - Yes.
- [Interviewer] peanut butter and jelly go
on the same slice?
- I would say no, that might be, no, I don't think so.
I think the one on each side.
- [Interviewer] Let's put this debate to rest.
- Okay.
- [Interviewer] Does pineapple ever go on pizza?
- Of course not.
It does not.
- It does not, 100% true.
- Look at us.
We know.
When people put pineapple on pizza, in a way,
they're killing America.
- [Interviewer] Are Hot Pockets technically
just big raviolis?
- Yes, they're also pirogis and empanadas
and those hot apple pies that they used
to sell at McDonald's.
I don't know if they sell them anymore, do they, Lou?
- No, they were found to be too hot.
- [Interviewer] Do people ever just yell Hot Pocket
at you on the street?
- Yes, they do.
- [Interviewer] More often than monthly?
- Much more than monthly.
- [Interviewer] Do you regret making that joke?
- Absolutely.
Well, it's a blessing and a curse.
- [Interviewer] Final question.
- Yeah.
- [Interviewer] At any point during this interview,
did you lie and we didn't catch you?
- Absolutely, yeah.
- [Interviewer] So you're clean but not quite honest?
- Sure.
Yeah, yeah.
You didn't know this, but Lou and I used to be lovers.
We go way back.
- [Interviewer] Is that true?
- That is not true.
- What does the machine say, Lou?
- Disregard the machine.
- Okay, he's not in the mood.
[boom]