This is a big week, ladies and gentlemen,
for Donald Trump's presidency.
Not only is there looming shutdown,
but, uh, he's also coming up
on his first 100 days in office.
Yes, and his first 1,800 holes played.
But shutdown or not, Trump is desperate to deliver
on at least one of his campaign promises.
The federal government could come to a grinding halt
by Friday without a new spending bill to fund it.
Passage may hinge on whether Mr. Trump insists
on his long-promised border wall.
The wall is gonna stop drugs,
and it's gonna stop a lot of people from coming in
that shouldn't be here,
and it's gonna have a huge effect on human trafficking.
It's a problem that's probably worse
than any time in the history of this world.
Yes, human trafficking is now worse
than any time in the history of this world.
Yeah, you know who told him that?
His good friend Frederick Douglass.
(laughter)
You know, I don't know why Trump and his people
don't just lose the whole wall idea.
Because, like, first, they were gonna shut down
the government for funding.
Then, as of last night, they said,
"Maybe we'll wait until September."
Now people are saying it might not even be a wall.
They're saying-- and this is all real--
they say it could be a fence,
or it could even be a blimp.
Which I don't even understand.
What, a Mexican is gonna stand at the border like...
(Mexican accent): "Don't cross. Just look at it, man.
Wow."
Like, it's just going down in severity.
Pretty soon it's just gonna be a ditch.
And then it'll just be stern words.
No crossing! No crossing!
No! No crossing!
Bad Mexican! No!
Yeah, just admit that the whole thing's ridiculous and move on.
At the end of 100 days,
the president should be talking about his legislation,
-not his stupid wall. -MAN: Excuse me. Excuse me.
-Excuse me. -Oh, wow.
-It's the Mr. President, everybody. -This ends right now.
-(applause, booing) -Mr. President.
-Thank you. -Oh, no, take a seat.
-All right. All right. All right. -Take a seat.
No, try... try to be nice, guys. Welcome.
Welcome to the show, Mr. President.
Don't try to be nice.
I never watch your show,
but I've seen all the episodes,
and you've said some very not nice things about me.
-Well, I-I... -Not nice.
I haven't said not nice things about you, Mr. President.
Most of the time, I just repeat your words, man.
Not true, Travis.
-You're really nasty to me. -It's Trevor.
Totally unfair. And I'm a nice guy.
I'm one of the best guys. I'm the nicest.
I'm nicely on top of bigly
in an angel food cake.
But this is a show, Travis.
This isn't just a show.
-This is fake news. Fake news. -Yeah, but that's the point.
We're a... We're a comedy show, Mr. President.
You see that, folks? Do you see this?
He admitted it.
I broke him like Mitt Romney.
I broke him like a dog.
Like a dog. Like a dog.
Like... a dog.
(laughter)
And that's why I'm here.
I want to push back on the lies and the slander, okay?
There's a beautiful word.
It's called "counterpoint." It's unbelievable.
And I'm gonna make a counterpoint right there.
-(laughter) -I-I...
I don't think that's how it works.
It's not about a counter, and anyway...
-Um, all right. -(laughter)
Mr. President, if you want to have a discussion,
I do have a question for you.
The other day you tweeted, "Eventually
"but at a later date so we can get started early,
"Mexico will be paying, in some form,
for the badly-needed border wall."
Everyone wants to know, what did you mean by "in some form"?
Totally and completely easy.
It's not complicated at all.
This is easy stuff, folks. Totally easy.
We can tax them. They don't have to pay with money.
We can tax them. We can take...
Do you love the little Coca-Colas,
Mexican Cokes, with the sugar in them?
And Mexico's beating us. They have the sugar in the Coke.
They got the sugar in the Coke.
We can do it. Little adobe huts.
I don't know. We'll figure something out, okay?
They're killing us.
Mr. President, like, I really hate to push you on this,
but it doesn't seem like
Mexico's ever gonna pay for the wall.
Well, then you know what we need to do?
And I'm gonna tell you what we need to do,
and this is incredible.
We're gonna bring millions upon millions of Mexicans
into the United States and let them-- let them--
do the low-paying jobs that Americans won't do.
And then we're gonna save so much money.
And we're gonna save so much money.
And then we can use that to pay for the wall!
Who's gonna pay for the wall?
-AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Mexico is. -There you go. They know.
-(laughter) -I... I don't think they know.
I just think they're parroting what you say.
Mr. President, you know what? I thank you for being here,
but I have to carry on and finish what I'm doing.
Plus, I'm sure you're very busy as well, so, um...
-No, I got nothing to do. -(laughter)
-I was gonna sleep under the desk. -(laughter)
All right, I'm just going to get back to this. Sorry.
Um, anyway, without funding for the wall,
the president is still scrambling for a victory.
No scramble. No scramble.
You're the scrambled eggs with bacon on the side!
(laughter)
Which is why today,
the president unveiled a brand-new goal.
MAN:
and trying to deliver on another campaign pledge,
slashing the corporate tax rate from 35 to 15%.
-Isn't that genius, Trevor? -Oh, geez. -(laughter)
My God, I have pillows with a higher thread count.
-(laughter) -I... I...
Okay. Um...
I'm sorry. How...? You know what, Mr. Pres... could you...?
-Let me in! -(laughter)
Let me in. I'm like a vampire.
-You have to invite me into the desk. -Oh.
That's not what we heard...
Anyway, uh, I... I don't understand this, Mr. President.
Like, how does lowering a corporate tax help anyone
except the corporations?
All right, okay, think of corporations as people.
-Which they're not. -And the government as a waiter.
-Which it's not. -We're tipping 35%.
We should be tipping 15%,
and even that is generous when you consider tax.
Well, I've heard that you don't tip at all.
See, now there you go again. Fake news.
I tip all the time, everybody. I tip everywhere.
Sometimes I don't even leave the money for the bill.
-I just leave the tip. -(laughter)
Just the tip. Just the tip.
And I'll leave it peeking out,
the tip just peeking out from underneath.
And I'll put the tip everywhere.
And... China is underneath.
We know Gyna's underneath the world.
And we need to tip Gyna. Put the tip in Gyna.
Tip in Gyna. Tip in Gyna.
And we all know how that works out.
-We all know how that works out. -(applause)
Well, um, I hate to say this, Mr. President,
but we've run out of time, so...
Okay, I don't need your time, all right?
I have my own show, and it's a huge hit.
Tremendous ratings, and it starts this Thursday
right here on the failing Comedy Central.
Travis, you've made a terrible mess here,
and I alone can fix it.
We're gonna make Comedy Central great again.
The president of the United States, everyone!
Watch
this Thursday at 11:30