- I got a bad face.
Can you see it?
It's like an asshole face, that's what I got.
I look like all the presidents except the current president
and the one before that, that's what I look like.
(audience laughs)
Like I show up at a party and people are like,
"Ah, taxes!"
And they remember they have to work on Monday.
I also look like a bully from all the '80s movies,
that's what I look like.
Look like I'm gonna challenge you to a ski race.
Or cheat in a karate tournament.
These are things my face looks like.
I'm anti-bully though, I don't like bullies.
I think bullies are why we have all these school shootings.
Well I think it's the guns, but nobody wants
to talk about that.
So it's the bullies.
If I was a teacher, I'd be on bully watch.
If I saw some jock flicking some quiet kids ear,
I'd go up to him I'd be like, "Hey, Brent."
They're all named Brent.
(audience laughs)
I'd be like, "You wanna knock it off?
"I don't know if you've been watching the news or not, but,
"if you keep it up, he's gonna kill all of us, okay?"
(audience laughs)
"I don't wanna die, I make $29,000 a year.
"He can get a gun that like was meant to kill Bin Laden,
"I can't get health insurance, all right?
"Knock it the fuck off."
(audience laughs)
Then I'd go up to the quiet kid and I'd be like,
"Hey bud,
"has anybody ever told you you're like
"my favorite student here?
"If you decide to ever do anything like super messed up,
"just remember how cool we were, right?
"Fuck Brent though, I do not like him, he's an asshole.
"Somebody should kill him on a weekend, on a weekend."
(audience laughs)
I love immigrants.
I do, I think,
like I love Spanish, I really do, I love Spanish.
I've been trying to learn Spanish for like 25 years.
And I'm getting muy cerca, I'm getting muy muy cerca.
And if you don't know what that means,
it means very cerca and.
(audience laughs)
No but there's people in America
that get mad at hearing Spanish.
I do this all over the country and you'll hear people
and they'll be like, "I don't wanna hear Spanish
"in America!"
Which is weird, but it's really weird in the southwest.
Because all the towns have Spanish names.
So you hear a guy be like, "I don't wanna hear Spanish
"in San Manuel de Allende."
(audience laughs)
And you're like, "That's Spanish.
"You just did Spanish, sir."
Love immigrants, think immigrants are the best part
of this country, I do.
(audience cheers)
I think there should be way more,
I think there should be way more.
Here's how I think immigration should work.
I think if you wanna move to America, you should be able to.
All you have to do is challenge an American
for their citizenship.
(audience laughs)
Yeah.
I don't know if you've seen some of these Americans,
but I'm trying to make some trades.
(audience laughs)
I'm trying to put together a championship year.
(audience laughs)
I'm sober, I'm sober that's cool.
You guys wanna know what it's like?
It's like going to a 3D movie
and you don't get to wear the glasses,
that's what it's like.
Everybody's like, "Are you seeing this?"
And you're like, "No, no I'm not."
(audience laughs)
I used to smoke a lot of weed,
they're decriminalizing weed now, New York.
You're not gonna be a criminal anymore.
You're just gonna be a pothead.
I used to be a pothead, I used to smoke weed all day
every day and I beat weed, I won.
My prize is I'm 37 and I have roommates,
so kind of a shitty prize.
(audience laughs)
It's hard to quit weed because nobody's gonna ever tell you
that you have a weed problem, you know what I mean?
Nobody's ever gonna be like,
"Dude, you gotta get your life together."
They're just gonna be like, "Gary lives with his mom
"and he's 40, it's crazy dude."
Your rock bottoms are way different.
My rock bottom with alcohol, very obvious.
Like, sixth arrest, I tried to fight the cops.
I didn't have pants on.
I was like, "I gotta get my life together.
"I gotta get some pants if I'm ever gonna
"defeat these cops."
(audience laughs)
Your rock bottom with weed is just like one day
you eat all the Parmesan cheese.
(audience laughs)
And you're like, "I gotta get my life together
"and get more Parmesan cheese, this is delicious."
It's hard not to get high now for me
because they've like, there's all these states where
it's legal and people are just putting it in random stuff.
I have to be careful.
Like I'll go to a friend's house to eat,
and they'll rush in and they'll be like,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
"you didn't eat any of the ketchup did you?
"The ketchup has weed in it, man.
"You didn't pet the dog did you?
"The dog is weed."
(upbeat music)