- Every time I create a video or talk about narcissism,
I always have people in the comments asking,
"Wait, maybe I'm a narcissist."
Today we're gonna dig into, are you a narcissist?
What are the traits, and how can you know
if this is something you're struggling with?
(offbeat inspiring music)
If you're new here and you'd like to subscribe,
we would love to have you.
I'm Kati Morton,
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist,
and I talk about all things mental health related,
whether it's narcissism, eating disorders,
depression, anxiety, and everything in between.
Hopefully you'll learn something new
and have some helpful tips that you can apply
to your life today.
When it comes to narcissism,
it's important to know that someone
who is a narcissist has what's called
narcissistic personality disorder.
And I have an older video I will link below.
I'll walk you through all the diagnostic criteria
because it's important to know
that people can have narcissistic traits
without having full blown narcissistic personality disorder.
Just like the same way that I can have some symptoms
of anxiety, let's say, without having a diagnosis
of generalized anxiety disorder, right?
We can have some of the traits,
but not have the full blown disorder.
So today I'm gonna walk you through some
of the most common traits of a narcissist
so you can see if any
of it lines up with what you're going through
or maybe someone in your life is going through.
And if you think any of these traits apply to you,
it's really important to see a professional
to get properly diagnosed.
Don't think of this video
as a way to diagnose or undiagnose yourself.
It's really important
that you see a professional to get proper treatment.
The first trait
of someone who's a narcissist is superiority.
And this pretty much means
that they think that they do things better,
they are better than everybody else around them.
And if you happen to do something they don't approve
of or point out something in their life,
let's say you walk into their house,
and you're like, "Oh, I think that could be a blue wall
instead of that, they will burn it down.
They can talk trash about you.
They can tell other people about how bad you are.
They can unleash rage on you,
anything to kind of make you go away or look,
like discredit you, look less serious,
so that they can continue upholding this facade
of superiority.
The next trait is entitlement,
which I feel like roles nicely off of superiority.
But people with narcissistic tendencies will feel entitled
to your respect, whether or not they've earned it.
They'll also feel entitled
to an apology because you're completely in the wrong.
They're not in the wrong at all.
They feel entitled to maybe a raise
or a better position, or to your seat on a plane.
Someone with narcissistic tendencies will feel this sense
of entitlement throughout their entire lives.
The third trait, most common, is need for attention.
I'm gonna reference my notes
'cause I don't wanna forget any of this.
Weddings, other people's birthdays, any big successes
for people that are in the narcissist's life
will be incredibly difficult for them
and they will do anything they can to turn
that attention onto them
because they can struggle to not be the full focus
of a day or an event.
When someone who's a narcissist doesn't get
the center of attention, they can pick a fight,
they can talk over the person who's,
let's say it's their birthday
and they're gonna give a toast,
they're gonna stand up at the same time
and try to talk over them to get the attention back.
They might put somebody down.
They can start a fight
with other people or cause some other kind of drama,
anything to shift the focus towards them
and away from the person who's supposed to be
the center of attention.
The next trait
that a narcissist can have is a need for control.
And the reason for this intense need
is because they want to keep this facade up, right,
of being perfect and superior.
And if they don't have full control, they can't do that.
And so they'll use a lot of different forms of manipulation.
One of those being gas lighting, right?
You're not remembering it correctly.
That's not what happened.
Or love bombing,
when they shower us with attention and affection,
they can make it confusing.
We can think, you know,
but they are a great person and they do these things
as a way to get us to do what they want.
And if that doesn't work, then they bring
in what a lot of people online call the flying monkeys,
which is essentially people who participate
in their smear campaigns.
These will be kind of what I would call casual people
in their lives that haven't realized who they are yet,
but they will listen to their side,
agree with them and then participate
in shaming and blaming other people for the issue.
And why do people do this?
It's because people
with narcissistic tendencies are really fragile, right?
It's often born out of trauma.
And so we put up this fake facade to kind
of protect that squishy inside part.
And so if things aren't playing out the way that we want,
it can feel outta control,
and that can be scary, that could reveal
that soft inside, right?
And so we'll manipulate
and try to control in order to keep up
that facade so that we feel safe and okay.
Another important trait is a complete lack
of boundaries.
Again, because a narcissist is gonna need a lot
of control and wants to have everything just perfect,
they'll struggle to see where we end and they begin.
And this can happen a lot when our parent is a narcissist
and we're the child of them,
they can feel like we are just an extension of them.
We're not independent.
Anything we do is representative
or shows poorly or well on them, right?
And they'll want to get in on
and turn the attention to them
when we have a success and they'll want
to disown us, call us disrespectful and all sorts
of names when we do something they don't want.
And so this lack of boundaries makes it really difficult
to be in a relationship with a narcissist
because again, there's no independence there.
And if you try to uphold boundaries
or put them into place, they will usually lash out,
throw a tantrum, or at the very least push back against them
and act like you never had that conversation
with them in the first place.
Another key trait is that they never take responsibility.
Someone who's a narcissist is incapable
of offering a true apology.
If something doesn't go as planned,
they're never gonna take ownership over that.
They're always looking outside of themselves for kind
of scapegoats or other ways that they can blame and shame,
and displace any of the responsibility that they truly have,
because if they had to admit that they did something wrong,
that whole facade that I've been talking
about will crumble to the ground.
The next trait is lack of empathy.
And this one is incredibly difficult
for people to understand, because it's hard
for those of us with empathy to imagine someone without it.
Empathy is the ability to feel for someone else.
It's like if you watch somebody trip and hurt themselves
or drop their stuff on the sidewalk next to you,
someone who has empathy would be like,
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry, let me help you."
And they would assist
because they can imagine what that would feel like,
or watch a TV show or the news segments,
especially in the last two years,
the news have been incredibly difficult.
You can watch the news and cry
'cause you can feel for those people.
Someone with narcissistic tendencies or someone
with narcissistic personality disorder doesn't feel
like that.
They're actually incapable of feeling empathy
or putting themselves in someone else's shoes.
And instead what they do is they tend to assume
or expect us to think and feel just like them.
And when we don't, they can get really upset and lash out.
And a final trait I'm gonna talk about today,
but I'm sure there are tons more,
feel free to leave those in the comments.
But this trait is splitting.
Now I've talked about splitting
in relation to BPD, or borderline personality disorder.
Splitting is when we believe people are all good or all bad.
It's a very much like all or nothing black
and white way of thinking.
But this also happens
in NPD or people with narcissistic traits.
We can think that if someone does something
that's just a slight,
let's say someone pointed out something we didn't do well
and we are the one with the narcissistic tendencies,
we can automatically assume that person is the worst.
They don't belong in our life, they're not good enough.
They should never have been around us and we can shame
and blame, or we can get other people in our life.
Remember those flying monkeys?
We can get them to shame and blame them,
to prove that we are better and they're all bad.
Or we can have people that we put on pedestals.
Often newer people
in a narcissist's life will be like these amazing people.
They'll think that everything is great,
everything they do is amazing
because, again, no boundaries, right?
They're so closely connected to us
that if we think that person is successful,
maybe they're like kind of a celebrity
in some ways or very important in their work,
maybe the structure of their work or whatever,
we can look to them and that connection and think,
well that's just because of me, right?
And so I'm connected to that person,
so we can put them as all good or all bad.
If you still wonder, am I a narcissist,
or is that person in my life a narcissist?
Here are a quick few questions
to help you maybe answer that.
Number one,
does the thought of being a narcissist make you feel bad
for those around you?
Think about it.
Yes or no.
Number two,
are you concerned about how others feel?
Would it bother you if you knew that you upset someone?
Number three, are you quick to apologize
when you've hurt someone else's feelings?
Number four,
does too much attention make you nervous or anxious?
Hmm, if you answered yes to any of these
it's most likely that you are not a narcissist.
I mean, think about what we just talked about.
That means you show empathy,
you apologize quickly, and you don't like attention.
It's not likely.
But here are a few more questions that consider
if you're still having a tough time.
Number one, do you see your friends
or children as extensions of you?
Like, are they representing you and living out your life?
Hmm.
Number two, do you often think that other people
aren't good enough to associate with you?
Number three, do you struggle to apologize or often think
that any disagreement, it's someone else's fault?
And number four, do you struggle to see things
from someone else's perspective,
or is it hard to imagine how someone else might be feeling
as a result of what just happened now?
If you answered yes to any of these questions,
it is possible
that you might have some narcissistic tendencies.
Again, it's really important that we see a professional
and get properly assessed
so that we can make sure that's what's going on.
But those are some things that kind
of line up with some of those traits.
Overall, if you're watching this video
and you are genuinely concerned
as to whether you're a narcissist or not,
chances are you're not.
I find there's this incredible overlap with a lot
of people who have a lot of empathy
for others and this concern about being a narcissist.
And I think it's just because we feel so much
and we hear things that might kind of resonate.
We're like, maybe that is me, oh my God.
But you have to remember,
a narcissist can't put themselves in someone else's shoes,
they don't have empathy.
They're not concerned about how other people feel.
They wouldn't be worried about being a narcissist.
Honestly, if you told them they were,
they'd probably just blame you
for it and say you're remembering things differently.
So just kind of consider some of those traits and symptoms.
Maybe rewind back and watch them through again,
because chances are you're not.
But I hope this was helpful
and assuaged any fears or concerns you had about this.
Thank you so much for watching and I'll see you next time.
(offbeat uplifting music)