- So you probably remember the last time
that you were at a coffee shop.
You ordered your favorite spicy iced chai
with almond milk, of course, and you're patiently waiting
for the barista to set the beautiful product
in front of you so that you can grab it and go.
When it finally does, you carefully grab it
and walk it over to that little station
with all the sugars and the napkins
and all that extra fun stuff that you put in your coffee.
All you need is a straw.
You cannot wait to get it because you just
wanna stick it in the drink and take your first sip.
It's all you can think about.
You carry it over, you know exactly what you're about to do,
you're laser-focused on getting that straw.
But it turns out there's somebody else at that station
as well, also prepping their caffeine choice of the day,
putting a little bit of sugar in their coffee
followed by a little bit of cream.
You set down your drink and just as you're about
to reach for it, you realize you're standing
a little too close to that other person
at the station next to you.
You realize that your excitement could very well
affect their coffee, but without so much as
brushing their arm or tapping the sugar packet on accident,
you still decide to shift your body a little bit
to the opposite side and give them some space,
and to further make sense of this thing that you've done
to make them feel better, you feel your lips part
and suddenly you hear yourself say "I'm sorry."
(distorted) I'm sorry.
The person that you're talking to comes out
of their coffee prepping trance and looks at you
kinda funny like they've never noticed you before
in their life because guess what?
They've never noticed you before in their life
and in order to make you feel better about this apology
that you threw their way, they say "you're good."
And all's well that ends well, right?
Except, why did that happen?
Why did you need to apologize, and really,
who was that apology for?
I've been realizing a lot more lately
that I notice my friends apologizing and I'm always
saying like why are you apologizing,
like look at the situation as it actually is
and you definitely didn't need to say you're sorry
and we also have this talk with employees
that we work with at Aftermarq, you know,
you can say sorry because you feel like
if something went wrong, you can take the responsibility
but what if it's not your responsibility?
Then why'd you say sorry and what else could be said?
Does anything need to be said?
And I am probably one of the worst of the offenders
which is why I'm like how am I so hyperaware
of everybody else apologizing, but I can't seem
to figure it out for myself?
We don't need to be sorry because it turns out,
we're not actually sorry.
This word, the word in the English language
that has defined making an apology, sorry,
has started to become a filler word,
and it kinda sucks that it's being used in this way
because it's also something that carries
an immense amount of responsibility
when used properly.
But we, and by we, I probably mean the fabulous women
in the room, have been trying to express
how emotionally aware and accommodating we can be,
so we started integrating the word sorry
in order to demonstrate that point.
The kicker is that we not only feel sorry, most of the time
but we also feel that we are sorry because we owe
an explanation at some point in the day
or many points in the day.
And that's because nobody really bothered to explain to us
that the happiness and the fairness of the world
is not a responsibility that rests on our shoulders,
and so we apologize.
This word is so overused in the wrong situations
that when it is being used in the correct ones,
we sometimes don't even hear that it happened.
Have you ever been watching a reality show
and they're in this like huge fight still
after like four episodes, and it's because
somebody said you never apologized for that terrible thing
you did so you can't actually be that upset
about it because you didn't say you were sorry,
and the person's like actually I apologized right away,
and the producers cut to the black and white footage
of the moment where they actually did apologize right away
and the person that's upset and a victim of this storyline
looks like an idiot to the rest of the world
but in the moment just gets to throw up their arms
and be upset and look still like the victim?
- I deserve an apology because I've been a good friend.
- But in all actuality, we know that the person
did apologize because it has been documented,
and this is all because the word sorry is used
in so many different passings throughout the day
that the moments it really counts, we don't even hear it.
See, reality shows can offer a valuable lesson sometimes.
Can we just stop?
We are more creative than this, we have a larger vocabulary
than this, we are more self-aware than this.
We are not doormats.
The root issue is that we feel like we constantly
have to make an explanation for the things that we need,
that we want, and that happen throughout the day,
and we actually don't, and the first explanation
we need to remove completely is the shortest
and the easiest one, and is when we just say sorry
for no reason.
Let's be honest with each other here, leave a comment below
if you can remember the last time you said you were sorry
and walked away thinking why?
Why am I sorry again?
Why did that word leave my mouth?
Leave that below.
So in this video, I wanna share seven examples
of I'm sorry that we can officially let go of
and what we can do instead.
(calm electronic music)
Good morning, good life, welcome back to AmyTV
where we come together to help you go after
the life that you want.
So there was a 2010 study in Psychological Science
that examined the differences between men and women
and how they apologize.
It turns out both apologized, 81% of the time
when they felt that the offenses merited an apology,
but women reported many more offenses.
And we were also more likely to report
being a victim of wrongdoing.
I almost didn't wanna say that part
but I felt like that would be conveniently
withholding information, and we need to make a note of this.
This all comes down to score keeping.
Score keeping does nothing for anybody.
We apologize, we overapologize because we feel
like we know when it's right to do that
and then we also let everyone know when they
have screwed up with us.
My husband can absolutely attest to this, I'm excellent,
absolutely excellent at it.
Now the good thing though, so we need to talk about
a few of these examples of saying sorry
that we don't need to do and maybe we'll start thinking
about other offenses a little bit differently,
add some stoicism to the way we think,
and have a little bit more of an even-keel happy day.
Number one, sorry to bother you.
You can probably think of a time where maybe
you walked into your boss's office and you were like
sorry to bother you and then went into a topic, right?
But why did you have to say sorry?
I mean, maybe they are in the middle of something,
but if you're just gonna roll into whatever you have to say
like are you that sorry you're bothering them,
not really sure about that.
I also feel that this phrase has gotten to a level
of just passive aggression now.
It's like sorry to bother you, like are you, are you?
This one sometimes come from people who like
text me and I don't text them back right away
and I'm just like oh, sorry, sorry.
I was doing other things and they're like oh,
sorry to bother you, like look at how many sorrys
just happened and it's obviously not that anybody is sorry.
Maybe what we should've said to your boss instead
is is this a good time?
Pause for a response.
Or excuse me for a moment, pause for response.
Or just a flat-out good question.
Am I interrupting something?
Number two, sorry for brushing your body
to somebody who should not have their bodies
brushed on you for some reason or just being
in close quarters and kind of having like
an awkward moment with them.
If this is a very spacious area and you're sitting
a little bit too close to someone or standing
too close to someone purely on accident,
then maybe you just say excuse me.
But also if it's just the context of the environment,
why do you need to say anything at all?
Kind of just make sure you show that you're aware
of the space around you and the people around you
and make adjustments as needed, but nobody
needs to apologize if the environment just is what it is.
Now if you straight-up like elbow somebody
'cause you're trying to get out of the way,
yeah, you should apologize for that.
Number three, sorry for not getting back
to you more quickly, I already mentioned this one earlier
because it is just so natural to say it.
I find myself accidentally starting emails like this
all the time and I'm not sorry.
I absolutely am not because I have such a strict rule
in my own business and personal life
of how email plays a role, when it plays a role,
when I plan to check it, and when I plan
to get back to people, but I'll start an email
that maybe went a little bit too long unanswered
because other things were absolutely more important
and I'll reply with sorry this took so long.
Why, if you're not sorry, why are you sorry?
Right off the bat why are you offering a sorry,
right off the bat?
They have to accept an apology with their first interaction
with you in a week of not hearing back from you.
Same thing with phone calls, same thing with texts.
I think the biggest problem is with texts
because family, friends, just anybody
who has your phone number assumes that you're gonna
get back to them immediately because you texted,
they texted you rather than some other form.
No need to apologize even if somebody's saying like
did you get it, did you get it, did you get my message,
did you get my email, did you get,
like those people have a whole nother set of issues
that you definitely don't need to apologize for.
Just respond to the situation or start a conversation
if you feel like that's the ball that's in your court,
but if you apologize for how long it took
to get back to somebody, you're insinuating
that that is not normal activity for you,
which you know, you could decide that that's
the right thing for you or not, but also that you plan
to get back to them more regularly
and they can expect that, so they could maybe
hold your feet to the fire a little bit sooner
or a little bit faster next time.
Number four, sorry I couldn't be there for you.
This is a really great example of something to not write
in the bridal shower card that you're sending
to a bride to be.
If you couldn't go, it's not about you anyway,
so why are you apologizing?
Just because you were invited somewhere
does not mean you actually have to go there.
Now I actually try to go to these things
as much as I possibly can for the people
who are the most important in my life,
but if somebody invites me to something like a baby shower,
a bridal shower, any kind of party, birthday party,
anything and I can't make it but they do
play a role in my life and I'm like wow,
that's so cool they invited me, how awesome,
you know, you can always do something nice for them.
Maybe you can't make it to the actual occasion
but you can still send a gift, you can still
find some other way to show them your appreciation
and show them the love that they deserve for that occasion.
In the card that's going to the party
that you can't be at, just say something about them.
I hope this is the most beautiful occasion for you,
I'm wishing you the absolute best
in your upcoming adventures.
If you're talking to them after the fact
and you weren't there and there's sort of
this elephant in the conversation like I couldn't make it,
all you have to say is was it everything you hoped for,
did you have a good time?
You'll notice that the word in the sentence
that is the most present is you, and not I.
Number five, saying sorry before asking
for some kind of clarification.
If you're in school, your professor just explained something
and you feel like your heart is racing
'cause you don't get it and you know it's gonna be
on the final and you're like I need to know
what he just said, now I have to actually talk
because nobody's asking, did everybody else get it
and I didn't, and you raise your hand and you say
sorry, could you go over that one more time?
You don't need to say sorry.
Lemme tell you why.
One, everybody else was sleeping, didn't get it either,
they're gonna get a C on the final if that.
Two, you are paying that person a great deal of money
to do this job, so if you're there, in class,
showing up, doing the work, and you need an explanation,
why do you need to apologize first?
Your apology came in the form of a tuition check,
and they were not sorry they got that.
Women in the workplace do this too much,
you know, responding to emails we do this quite a bit,
just ask for the clarification.
If the worst case scenario is you've got
a really mean professor or a boss that's kind of pissed
that you didn't quite pick up what he's putting down,
it's okay, 'cause guess what?
They're supposed to do a better job at training you
and if they've gotten you nowhere near all the way there,
then they're not gonna be happy with the result later on,
whether you don't get the work done properly
or you don't pass the test, so they're gonna get mad
at you and guess what?
It's probably because of the problems they have at home
or the mail they got today or the fact
that their boss is breathing down their neck, too.
Do your best and apologize when it's absolutely necessary.
Number six is an interesting one,
saying sorry for anything that might occur
before something cool that's going on.
So let's say you're having a party,
and you live in a building that's basically
like Fort Knox, super hard for people to get into,
super hard to find parking to, super my life, okay?
And saying I'm so sorry, you probably had trouble
finding the place, I'm so sorry, there's a lot going on
downtown right now and it was probably a mess
to get down here, I'm so sorry, they have to be
out of parking, this is unbelievable, there are riots,
I'm so sorry, but welcome to my party
where I'm about to give you free food, free booze,
and I've invited you because you're one of
my dearest friends and I like spending time with you
outside of the workplace.
Or maybe something really awesome is happening
and the person that you meet up with to do
the awesome thing is like sorry for the flurry of emails
before we got to this point but man, hey, we got here.
Why, what is this filler conversation we're having?
Like literally what is it?
There are gonna be moments that happen,
there are gonna be uncomfortable moments that happen,
there are gonna be like ooh, hope that's going okay
moments that happen.
People, if they've grown up, they've had
some life experiences.
They may have had a hard time parking before,
they may have gotten a flurry of emails
for something way less cool before,
and they're gonna be okay this time around too.
You do not need to apologize, it is not how you should
kick off the cool thing that's going on
or even if it's not a cool thing.
You know what I'm talking about, it's this like
maybe we can fill in an apologetic conversation
to relate to each other?
Let's relate to each other at a higher level, shall we?
Instead say something like hey, how are you doing?
I'm so glad you're here, or hey,
I hope you had a great time.
Set out the feeling you want people to feel.
Starting with the apology because you think
it's the only thing that you've got isn't worth it.
And number seven, by far the reining champion
of the crappy apology world: sorry I'm late.
To me, this phrase and I have to also be good at this
because I get so, I get like (hyperventilates)
if I'm late, I just freak.
I just, I'm not happy.
But saying sorry I'm late at this point in the game
is more of like a performance line.
You're fashionably late, you're saying sorry I'm late,
you're not sorry you're late and you were late on purpose.
Like let's be honest.
It's not even worth saying anymore
because if it's a performance, if you're feeling good
about it, cool, but either way, even if you are
actually sorry you're late, it doesn't actually
do anything for the person who may or may not,
who knows, be genuinely pissed off that you're late.
Again, we wanna take the I out of the sentence
and find a way to put you in it.
Make it about somebody else.
I had a hard time parking, I had a hard time with traffic,
I can't believe how crazy it is down here, I'm late,
or thank you for being patient with me.
Actually if somebody were fashionably late
and they said that to me, I would be much more like
oh, you're very welcome.
And if this is like the mother of all moments
that you should not have been late for
and then you were late for it, you definitely need
a better one than all of this.
Like you gotta sit down and you gotta say
your time is worth so much more than what was
just demonstrated, that's not going to happen again
and I want you to know that.
That person needs to know this is not real life for me
but at the same time, real life happens.
You can be late, you can be late.
This is life, but how you present yourself
and how you go on is what will be
a direct reflection of you.
All right, I wanna hear from you.
What is another pointless, unnecessary version
of saying sorry that you can think of
or that you've heard recently,
and what would you say instead?
Leave that in the comments below.
If this was a relatable one for you,
I'd love to hear your favorite part
on my latest Instagram photo.
Click the link in the description below
to pop over there and let me know in the comments.
While you're down there, if you'd like
some additional details for going after your best life,
pick up my free audio training
and that's the Seven Essential Details
for Going After the Life That You Want.
Not only will you get this audiogram
but you'll get some exclusive content from me
and giveaways and all that kind of fun stuff
when you're on my email list, so check that out
below as well.
That's all for today, thank you so much for tuning in,
I appreciate it, as always make sure you subscribe
for good vibes, kiss the ones you love,
and go after the life that you want.
Cheers.
(calm electronic music)
Lucy's getting upset with me
because it's so warm, 'cause I had to turn the air off.
Sorry, Lucy!
(laughs)
We don't like audio problems around here,
just kidding, I'm not sorry 'cause we don't like
audio problems around here, you're gonna be fine.
It's only been 20 minutes.
Like all my hairs are falling off onto my arms.
That's how you know I've had a ponytail on
for way too many days.
What do you guys think of this new setup?
I am feeling it over here.
I just didn't feel like going back to the old spot
and it's different, what do you think?