OH MY FUCKING GOD I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS LET’S JUST GET STARTED.
SOMBRA, you magnificent piece of shit, I love you.
Blizzard, what even IS this amazingness?
A Mexican hackivist revolutionary ninja badass with amazing hair, I just can’t even.
And with powers like an EMP pulse, invisibility, teleportation, and super hacking, how can
I resist digging my SCIENCE! paws into her?
But you guys know what I’m up to by now, don’t you?
I slap together some lore I skimmed from the wikis, stamp some arbitrarily complex-looking
formulas like this on the screen that 90% of you don’t even know what they are anyway,
shout “NO GOD DAMN SENSE” a few times, and KABOOM!
INSTANT VIDEO.
But, you see, while I was calculating the inverse-square law for electromagnetic pulses
that are strong enough to disrupt electronics, which most likely would kill the person located
at the center of the blast, by the way, my eyebrow twitched.
And while I was trying to figure out whether or not Sombra’s invisibility was due to
a combination of cameras and projectors that simultaneously display what’s behind her
while recording what’s in front, or if it’s actually due to some sort of bending of light
using a complex array of nanobots and mirrors, compressed gasses, or god damned gravity itself,
my brain short-circuited.
You see, while there are plenty of things to look at with Sombra from a SCIENCE!
Perspective, when you look behind the scenes, between the cracks, and the writing that’s
upside down, and written in a secret code and laced throughout the lore of Overwatch,
you realize that the entire world of Overwatch is harboring a massive, terrifying secret,
and Sombra?
Sombra is the goddamn key that can blow the whole thing wide open.
While I usually pride myself on being a consummate SCIENTIST, sometimes certain truths trump
that role.
Sometimes, there are things that are more important than deducing whether or not the
individual projectiles flung by some made-up space gun have any real merit.
And that day is this day.
Today, we leave SCIENCE! at the door and crack the case of Overwatch’s biggest conspiracy.
It’s hard to figure out where exactly to start, so let’s just start at the beginning.
Boom, sometime in the near future, robots called Omnics are created by a company called
Omnia to do everything humans don’t wanna do.
Tada: a new servant class is born.
Sometime after that, the robots rebelled because of course they did, and they just tore shit up.
Overwatch was formed out of the best of the best humanity had to offer from around the
globe, and they beat the shit out of the Omnics.
Then, some shit went down in their headquarters, they got into a huge fight, and Overwatch
was disbanded because of scandalous scandals.
Scandalous scandals? Fuck...
My "I just had a newborn" exhaustion is really seeping into this video isn't it? Oh well. Where was I? Oh, right!
Fast forward to the future, and some shady shit is going down.
Omnics have returned with a vengeance, and Overwatch has been secretly called back into
action.
BUT there’s also the terrorist organization Talon, sporting former Overwatch members like
Reaper and Widowmaker.
And also Sombra.
Oh hey, look, it’s the person who’s the topic of the video.
Hey gurl, how’s it going?
OH GOD THE PARENTING EXHAUSTION IS BACK.
Sombra is a hacker who was essentially a nobody until she discovered ~something~ that put
her life in danger--more on that later.
She’s a member of Talon, but based on her animated short, there’s more to her goals
that simply whatever-the-fuck Talon’s goals actually are.
She’s allied with Talon, but she’s clearly got her own motivations.
But what are they?
Normally I’d string you along with some drama, but I’m exhausted, and the pieces
are complicated, and I’m just out of spoons right now, so strap yourselves in, and get
ready for some high-octane, super-condensed lore-slash-theorizing.
No need to add water to this concentrate, we’re on a one way trip to FLAVORTOWN.
OH GOD MY BRAIN DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE.
Sombra went into hiding and changed her name after discovering evidence of a secret conspiracy.
She reappeared as a member of Talon, but you’ll notice that she doesn’t give a shit what
Talon’s actually doing.
Sombra has ulterior motives that supersede any petty granfalloon.
Sombra has a single-minded focus on her wampeter, and nothing can deter her.
This is clearly illustrated by her actions in the animated short, where instead of assassinating
the target of Talon’s mission, she instead uses the opportunity to gain leverage over
an important Russian figure of power.
She laughs this off as being a trivial power grab, but there’s more to it than meets the eye.
Like Sombra herself, her goals and intentions are wrapped up in complicated layers and fancy clothes.
So just what is Sombra after, and what does her character ultimately reveal about the
core conflict of Overwatch’s world?
Well, in order to answer that, we’re going to have to look someplace really fucking strange:
her in-game mechanics.
The key to understanding Sombra, her mission, and the stakes of the entire Overwatch world
lies in Sombra’s key mechanics.
Sombra, at her heart, is just a hacker, and a damned good one.
So tell me: how is it she can hack Soldier 76’s legs so that he can’t run?
Or Roadhog’s hook chain?
I’m not sure there’s a single hacker in the world who can stop me from running without
a well-placed lead-pipe?
Believe it or not, this ability, this ability of Sombra to hack everything under the sun
is the final piece of the puzzle we need to put the picture together and understand exactly
what everyone is fighting for and about, and what the real, dark danger lurking in the
shadows actually is.
In Sombra’s short, we see that Omnics are secretly allied with anti-omnic weapons developers
and are giving them technology.
Technology FROM omnics to FIGHT OMNICS.
That’d be like if I started handing out anti-YouTuber spray.
What’s going on here?
And what does Sombra have to do with it, and what does it have to do with the fight that
broke out in Overwatch headquarters years ago that lead to the disbanding of the team?
Easy: everyone, the omnics, the humans, and the in-between, are being manipulated and
controlled by a secret cabal of government officials, high-level AI, and corporate fat
cats.
And how are they being controlled?
Technology.
You see, Sombra can hack absolutely everybody for the exact same reason Ana is capable of
healing Omnics and Humans alike: the lines between human and inhuman are beginning to
blur in the world of Overwatch.
I mean, look at Genji’s Darth Vader body, McCree’s robot parts, and even Soldier 76’s
superhuman endurance.
These people aren’t the best-of-the-best because of Radioactive spider bites; these
people are barely human.
They’re mostly androids who have integrated with augmentation to the point where it’s
unclear whether they’re more machine or if they're more animal.
And because of this, they’re easy prey to the secret cabal of bastards to manipulate.
They control the technology, and therefore they control the world of both Omnics and
Humans alike.
Their ultimate goal is currently unclear, but it’s obvious that it’s within their
best interest that the world remain in a state of conflict and that no organizations get
too powerful, which is exactly why they orchestrated the collapse of Overwatch to begin with.
However, it’s clear that some folk are catching wise.
Omnics and humans are clearly starting to form a quiet counter-resistance; Sombra was
just one of very few to realize just how deep this rabbit hole goes.
So, in fact, when she confronts the Russian leader in her own office and refuses to kill
her, she’s not actually looking for leverage to get money or power; she’s identifying
her allies.
This woman, clearly, knows what’s going on.
She, and Sombra, have figured out what nobody has, not Talon, not Overwatch: the real enemies
aren’t the Omincs.
The real enemy is what they can’t see; a secret cabal of evil motherfuckers who want
nothing more than to control the world for their own gain, until inevitably the entire
plot of The Matrix happens and the world collapses.
I guess that means that Sombra’s Neo.
Or Morpheus.
I don’t know.
Fucking Christ I need sleep.
Sincerely, Austin
PS
I love my beard.
It's sexy, and it makes me look manly-as-hell.
But beards are a lot of work to maintain.
Don't think that's true? “my beard is fine and I don't have to do anything?"
well, I'm sorry to inform you, friend, but you're gross.
If your beard “doesn't need maintenance” that just means the people in your life are
too nice to tell you how disgusting you are.
Austin's Protips for Beard care:
TRIM, EXFOLIATE, WASH, MOISTURIZE
If you're not practicing good Beard hygiene, that's not a beard, it's just one giant fuzzy
zit on your face.
And you know what?
That's okay.
We can't all always keep at 100% all the time.
Look at me: my baby finally came after a three-day labor and 5 days out of my house and my beard looks like crap.
And when it gets that bad, it's better to just start over.
That's where dollar shave club has me covered.
I got home with our baby in my arms and my razors and shave butter waiting for me at
my door.
With a new baby in the household, I don’t have time to deal with the hassle of a drugstore
and the battle for razors under lock and key - I get them delivered right to my door, for
a fraction of the price I used to pay and NONE of the hassle.
Now they have you covered too to - get a one month membership of any razor for a buck.
Just go to dollarshaveclub.com/shoddycast
SERIOUSLY, a dollar.
Free Shipping and no commitments, cancel anytime.
One buck to take care of your beard like me, or shave your face baby face smooth like my….baby.
This is your discover why the millions and millions of members, like me, lover DollarShaveClub.
Seriously.
Any razor...one month...FOR ONE DOLLAR!
1-1-1, that's some lucky stuff and remember: dollarshaveclub.com/shoddycast
Free Shipping and no commitments.
Let's all be less disgusting and more devilishly handsome together!